***DAILY DOSE OF WEIRD NEWS – FREE TO AIR! (Need to receive this earlier than when it’s posted? Get FTP access and receive a fully-produced version FREE with a customized tag specifically for your station or show! Contact me with your ONAIRprep username for details!)
AND NOW… ON WITH THE SHOW!
PRINTER FRIENDLY VERSION: 20160926
WELCOME TO THE SHOW!
Wasn’t sure I’d still be here for the show today. About an hour ago I put instant coffee in the microwave and briefly ended up in 1985.
BIBLE VERSE OF THE DAY
“Whatever situation’s I face, I will start, continue, and finish them with God’s Word.” –Revelation 1:8
Let not my heart be drawn to what is evil, to take part in wicked deeds with men who are evildoers; let me not eat of their delicacies. —Psalm 141:4
My dear children, I write this to you so that you will not sin. But if anybody does sin, we have one who speaks to the Father in our defense — Jesus Christ the Righteous One. — 1 John 2:1
HEARTLIGHT DAILY VERSE, PRAYER & THOUGHT
He answered me, “The sin of the house of Israel and Judah is exceedingly great; the land is full of bloodshed and the city is full of injustice. They say, ‘The LORD has forsaken the land; the LORD does not see.'” — Ezekiel 9:9
Thought: In times of evil and adversity, God’s people can lose sight of the Father’s “great and precious promises.” God has faithfully kept these promises through the ages. This past faithfulness is our reminder that we can trust his promise of the salvation we will fully experience with him one day. Even in our darkest night, God has not forsaken us. He sees and knows what we do and how we feel. Quite often, however, the LORD is watching to see how we will live in tough times. He wants us to show that we will be faithful during these times. He wants us to see that he can be trusted and that he still is at work in our world and in our lives. So let’s be faithful, trusting that the God who preserved Israel and brought through Israel the promised Messiah will also preserve and bless us!
Prayer: In my times of darkest struggle or of loftiest joy, dear LORD, please help me to be found faithful to you and to your will. In Jesus’ name I pray. Amen.
The Thoughts and Prayers for Today’s Verse are written by Phil Ware. You can email questions or comments to firstname.lastname@example.org.
“BIRTHDAY VERSE” OF THE DAY
The chapter and verse corresponds to the month and the day!
1 Corinthians 9:26 NIV = Therefore I do not run like a man running aimlessly; I do not fight like a man beating the air.
TODAY IS MONDAY – SEPTEMBER 26, 2016
(NOTE: Some holidays may be duplicated due to various calendars reporting conflicting dates)
WEIRD, WACKY, STRANGE, ZANY, ODD, BIZARRE, QUIRKY, UNUSUAL HOLIDAYS!
THERE ARE ONLY 95 SHOPPING DAYS UNTIL CHRISTMAS.
This is DOG SCOUTS OF AMERICA DAY. ***And they can earn their “Humanities” badge by helping little old poodles across the street. (Don’t buy their cookies though – they taste like dog biscuits.)
Today is DEATH BY POTATO DAY. On this day in 1820 Daniel Boone died at age 85. His favorite dish was baked sweet potatoes. He ate too many and died of indigestion. ***But hey, he died happy!
Today is SHAMU DAY. The first surviving killer whale born in captivity was born at Orlando’s Sea World on September 26, 1985. ***You’d think going around and around in a circle non-stop would be a boring life for a whale, but it doesn’t seem to bother NASCAR drivers at all.
This is NATIONAL FARM ANIMALS AWARENESS WEEK. ***Actually, “awareness” is a bit of a stretch. A recent Gallup Poll of barnyard fowl showed that only three chickens in ten could name the President of the United States. You can’t call that “awareness.”
TODAY IS ALSO. . .
Family Day – Be Involved. Stay Involved.
Johnny Appleseed Day
National Dumpling Day
Shamu the Whale Day
COMING UP NEXT
TUESDAY, SEPTEMBER 27
Ancestor Appreciation Day
National Women Road Warrior Day
World Tourism Day
WEDNESDAY, SEPTEMBER 28
Fish Tank Floorshow Night
National Good Neighbor Day
World Rabies Day
National Women’s Health & Fitness Day
THURSDAY, SEPTEMBER 29
National Biscotti Day
National Attend Your Grandchild’s Birth Day
FRIDAY, SEPTEMBER 30
Vegan Baking Day
SATURDAY, OCTOBER 01
CD Player Day
Cephalopod Awareness Day
Fire Pup Day
Frugal Fun Day
International Day of Older Persons
Model T Day
National Book It! Day
Vegan Baking Day
World Card Making Day
World Vegetarian Day
SUNDAY, OCTOBER 02
Country Inn Bed & Breakfast Day
Guardian Angels Day
International African Diaspora Day
International Blessings of the Fishing Fleet Day
Islamic New Year
National Custodial Workers Day
Phileas Fogg’s Wager Day
World Communion Day
World Farm Animals Day
MONDAY, OCTOBER 03
Child Health Day
Day of Unity
World Day of Bullying Prevention (Blue Shirt Day)
World Habitat Day
ON THIS DAY
1789: Thomas Jefferson was appointed America’s first Secretary of State.
1914: The Federal Trade Commission was established.
1820: Daniel Boone died at age 85. His favorite dish was baked sweet potatoes. He ate too many and died of indigestion.
1950: United Nations troops recaptured Seoul, the capital of South Korea, from the North Koreans.
1956: It was Elvis Presley Day in his hometown of Tupelo, Mississippi.
1957: The musical “West Side Story” opened on Broadway.
1960: Richard M. Nixon and John F. Kennedy took part in the first televised presidential debate.
1962: “The Beverly Hillbillies” debuted on CBS-TV, starring Buddy Ebsen, Irene Ryan, Donna Douglas, and Max Baer Jr. The show lasted nine seasons. The theme, “The Ballad of Jed Clampett,” was recorded by Lester Flatt & Earl Scruggs. (audio clip)
1969: “The Brady Bunch” premiered on ABC-TV. (audio clip)
1975: “The Rocky Horror Picture Show” premiered in Westwood, California. It’s probably still playing somewhere. The cult classic starred Tim Curry, Susan Sarandon, and Barry Bostwick.
1981: Houston’s Nolan Ryan pitched his 5th no hitter, shutting down the Dodgers 5-0.
1986: Bobby Ewing returned from the dead to take a shower on “Dallas” in one of television’s more or less memorable episodes. (audio clip)
1986: William H. Rehnquist was sworn as the 16th chief justice of the Supreme Court.
1994: Jury selection began in Los Angeles for the double murder trial of O.J. Simpson. One year later to the day, the prosecution began closing arguments. He was acquitted of both charges.
2002: A 39-year-old man ordered a limousine to pick him up at a hotel in Moline, Illinois after he robbed a bank there. Unfortunately for the robber, his driver was a retired police officer, who tipped off police that a suspicious passenger had just paid $335 in cash for a ride to Chicago. State troopers arrested the suspect at a nearby truck stop.
2002: In Belo Horizonte, Brazil, an escaped prisoner flagged down a bus to make his getaway only to find it was full of policemen looking for him. Sergio Vilas Boas escaped from a police station and stopped the first bus he saw. Boas was arrested originally for carrying three handguns at a soccer match.
2005: U.S. Army PFC Lynndie England, seen in widely distributed photos with inmates at Iraq`s Abu Ghraib prison, was convicted at Fort Hood, Texas, of conspiracy and prisoner abuse. Two days later, the military court sentenced her to three years in prison.
TODAY IN CHRISTIAN HISTORY
1460: Pope Pius II assembles European leaders, then delivers a three-hour sermon to inspire them to launch a new crusade against the Turks. The speech works, but then another speaker, Cardinal Bessarion, adds a three-hour sermon of his own. After six hours of preaching, the European princes lose all interest in the cause; they never mount the called-for crusade.
1897: Charles C. Overton, a Sunday school superintendent at Brighton Chapel, Staten Island, spontaneously promotes the idea of a Christian flag. The Rally Day speaker hadn’t shown up, so Overton gave an extemporaneous address on Christian meanings for the elements of the American flag. The red, white, and blue cross flag Overton later helped devise was first sewn around 1907 and continues to be used in some churches.
HOLLYWOOD, SPORTS AND CELEBRITY FIGURE BIRTHDAYS
- Actor (Passion of the Christ, Frequency, Thin Red Line, “Person of Interest”) Jim Caviezel, 48
- actress (Mary Ingalls on “Little House on the Prairie”) Melissa Sue Anderson 54 (audio clip)
- Actress (Terminator movies, Dante’s Peak, “Beauty & The Beast” TV show) Linda Hamilton, 60
- Game show host (“The Weakest Link”) Anne Robinson, 72
(Music Artist Birthdays From SongFacts.com)
1898 : George Gershwin
1901 : Ted Weems
1918 : John “The Cool” Zacherle
1925 : Marty Robbins
1926 : Julie London
1931 : George Chambers (The Chambers Brothers)
1941 : Joe Bauer (The Youngbloods)
1947 : Lynn Anderson
1948 : Olivia Newton-John
1948 : Stuart Tosh (The Alan Parsons Project)
1954 : Craig Chaquico (Jefferson Airplane)
1954 : Cesar Rosas (Los Lobos)
1955 : Carlene Carter
1962 : Tracey Thorn (Everything But The Girl)
1965 : Cindy Herron (En Vogue)
1972 : Shawn Stockman (Boyz II Men)
1981 : Christina Milian
SECRETS OF THE UNIVERSE
Why do we say that a crazy person is “loco?”
First, let’s clear up some confusion. This is not related to the old railroad slang word, which was simply short for locomotive. If you think they’re the same, you don’t know one end from another. Crazy railroad people aren’t loco, they just have a loose caboose. But I digress. The word “loco” comes from a weed found in the Southwest. This plant, a narcotic, is actually called the locoweed and it drove cattle nuts when they ate it. It became a synonym for craziness in the West in the 1840s and came into widespread use about four decades later. Did you ever see a bull run amok? Crazy, man.
CHRISTIAN ARTIST NEWS
This is just a tiny sample of the 5-6 pages of material you could be receiving three days a week from ChristianRadioShowPrepServices.com!
Dan Bremnes recently kicked off a tour in Ontario, Canada. Prior to the beginning of the tour, Dan recorded a question and answer time on the Compassion facebook page. http://ow.ly/j2cU304uINU
Building 429’s Jason Roy was live on Facebook for a live Question and Answer time this week. Check it out for tour updates and more about Building 429. http://ow.ly/m4ix304uJ67
A rough flight for Randy Phillips of Phillips, Craig and Dean. The pastor and Trio member arrived at Atlanta late due to an empty beverage cart on a previous flight. He ran through the airport only to find that his next flight have left 5 minutes early, causing him to miss it.
What Does “Love Amplified” Look Like? Josh Wilson released a video telling how, for him, it looked like reaching out after floods hit the town of Nashville. https://youtu.be/yy5Q-r12kmo
Casting Crowns this week started a new series called FAN:BAND. It features a fan question with a band member answering. Question number one….Who is the biggest Prankster in Casting Crowns? Check out the video to see if you guessed it! http://ow.ly/m2dD304uItO
Casting Crowns frontman Mark Hall opened up about his battle with cancer and the important theme behind the new record. According to the Christianpost Interview, Casting Crowns’ eighth studio album is focused on leading people to God with honest songs that feature an upbeat and fresh sound. In March 2015, Doctors successfully removed a cancerous growth on Mark Hall’s right kidney and the frontman admits that the experience changed his life forever. The Georgia native admitted that even though he’s a public person, being on stage and being a pastor, he wasn’t used to being taken care of. Hall said: “Now, when I sing even old songs of ours, when I sing ‘Praise You Through The Storm’ — I always knew what it was about because I wrote it for friends going through cancer, but now having been in it, it’s a whole new world.” http://ow.ly/n6mF304vohe
He may have been beat at golf by TobyMac but it sounds like Audio Adrenaline front man Adam Agee still came away the winner this week. Adam posted: TobyMac still hooked me up with some of his new merchandise. Adam posted a picture showing off his brand new TobyMac hat. https://twitter.com/i/web/status/778760677221474304
The Afters front man Josh Havens was featured on the blog Authentic Manhood this week. In his article titled See God in the Dark, Josh shared the story of a God appearance in a cafe in Holland after the daughter of the band’s sound man died at birth. Read the entire story at http://ow.ly/6CXe304r8AV.
Earlier this week Meredith Andrews posted a picture of she and her husband dressed in 70s garb. Thursday she shared more. Meredith said: We are the worship band in a movie called Case for Christ, out this coming Easter.
For a second time in less than a year, the Newsboys have been forced to cancel concerts in Canada. In April the band attempted to cross the border to perform at Church on the Queensway. At that time front man Michael Tait was told that he had a 9-year old traffic violation on his record and because of it, they were not going to allow him entry. After 3 months, hundreds of hours of legal work, and an extensive financial investment, Michael this week flew to Toronto to attempt re-entry, this time with an 80-page document supporting his request for clearance. Unfortunately, the border agents refused to accept his explanations, and once again denied him entrance. The decision forced the band to cancel their Thursday night show in Toronto. http://ow.ly/L8Ij304vome
(No news on the weekends. As on ONAIRprep subscriber, you can get a fully-produced, customized version of the Daily Dose of Weird News FREE with a station or show specific tag! Email email@example.com for details!)
NEW NEWS KICKERS…
Voters are in an increasingly frustrated and unhappy mood, driven to their choices more often by dislike of the opposing candidate than admiration for their own. According to an LA Times report, Nearly 6 in 10 voters described themselves as frustrated by this year’s campaign. Those results are according to newly released data from the nonpartisan Pew Research Center and it’s up from just under half earlier in the summer. More than half called themselves disgusted. Only about 1 in 4 voters reported positive feelings about the election. ***But they’re in the basket of deplorables.
In a survey, 35% of us admitted to crying during the Olympics. ***In most cases just because our favorite TV shows had been preempted.
A report says the fear of a Donald Trump presidency has caused the Canadian Dollar to drop in value. ***Even Canadians are now upset when they are given back change that contains a Canadian penny.
There was a rumor going around that Eva Mendes and Ryan Gosling have been secretly married. Now, they deny it. ***And Brad Pitt is refusing to comment.
NEWS KICKER EVERGREENS…
Figures released by the Earth Policy Institute say that there is enough wind energy in North Dakota, Kansas and Texas to meet power needs of the entire country. ***MARLAR: Or couldn’t they just grab the hot air from Washington D.C.?
Scientists say the American bumblebee is disappearing from the Midwest. ***The good news is that picnics are up 75%.
Scientists have done laser scans on two life masks, made from plaster casts of Lincoln’s face, and it turns out that the left side of Lincoln’s face is smaller than the right. ***MARLAR: This is just weird – I’d think of all the politicians who WOULDN’T be two-faced it would be Lincoln.
The hottest new health fad in India is people simply laughing at each other. People claim that the laughing helps them feel less stressed and relieves everyday ailments. In fact, membership of early morning laughter clubs in the Indian city of Pune is booming with two new clubs forming in a matter of two weeks. Most clubs run sessions from six in the morning with breathing exercises, calisthenics and then 15 minutes of laughter. Their members are convinced the laughter is making an impact on their physical and mental well-being. ***MARLAR: So if you feel better from listening to my show, now you know why. If you don’t feel better after listening to my show… now you know why.
CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD TODAY’S EPISODE… “Colorblind”
DAILY COMEDY CLIP
CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD TODAY’S EPISODE… Mike Williams, “Grape Nuts/Chunky Monkey”
AS THE JUNGLE TURNS – WEEKDAY VERSION
CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD MONDAY’S EPISODE
OPEN: When last we left the jungle, all of the animals were frantically trying to sell all of their possessions so they could run away from the jungle to escape a giant-footed creature that nobody has really even seen yet – just footprints. And the sales were so great, that everyone bought everyone else’s stuff, so now all of the animals have just as much stuff as they started with! Except one animal… who’s still working on his sign!
CLOSE: I’m sure Millard is just kidding about that. That is one smart skunk! Tune in again next time for more of our story, as FancyMonkey.com, (Show Name), and (Station Call Letters) bring you As the Jungle Turns!
AS THE JUNGLE TURNS – SATURDAY/SUNDAY VERSION
CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD THE EPISODE FOR THE WEEKEND OF OCTOBER 01/02
OPEN: And now, FancyMonkey.com, (Show Name), and (Station Call Letters) bring you As the Jungle Turns! Last time, the jungle animals were terrified and began to panic after coming across something they’d never seen before in the jungle – they found five giant footprints to a terrible, awful, disgusting, ugly, smelly, terrifying creature! Maybe. Unfortunately, nobody’s really seen the creature itself.
CLOSE: Maybe Nozzles is right… we really don’t know what made the footprints – or even if they’re real! Right now we’re just scared of stuff we’re imagining! Just imagine what will happen next… As the Jungle Turns!
***You may simulcast “As the Jungle Turns” on the Internet stream of your live broadcast only. Any other Internet use of “As the Jungle Turns” in whole or part including podcasting of your live broadcast is a violation of copyright law. Thank you for your cooperation on this vitally important issue. If you have any questions, please e-mail us and ask about “Jungle Jam & Friends the Radio Show” usage.
MOMENT OF DUH
An emergency 911 dispatcher in Astoria, Oregon tells a caller that a fire is not an emergency!
A woman called 9-1-1 shortly after 10 p.m. on Oct. 3 to alert the emergency dispatcher to what appeared to be a fire on the south side of Youngs Bay, but was told by the operator that what she was seeing was likely just the play of light in the rain and fog. The following was recorded in the 9-1-1 call:
Caller: “I see a fire, I’m sure it’s already been reported, but I live on Sonora, on the hill in Astoria. I’m looking over Youngs Bay River… “
Dispatcher: “Yeah, it’s kind of foggy and raining out. Sometimes that happens…”
Dispatcher: “…yeah, it’s not a fire.”
Caller: “Really? It looks like a fire on the other side of the river.”
Dispatcher: “Yeah, it’s not a fire. It’s fog.”
The report was only taken seriously when a second call came in 10 minutes later. It seems that the “fog” was accompanied by bright orange flames and a lot of black smoke.
TOP TEN PERKS OF BEING PERKY
10. You never have to hear concerned individuals remark, “Gee, you look tired! Are you feeling okay?”
9. You can annoy people yet be too cute to slap.
8. You actually have a viable reason to use the word “effervescent.”
7. You have plenty of energy to dodge the things your irritated co-workers throw at you.
6. You need no experience, sense, or IQ to be hired at any airport.
5. All the people who hate you for being perky tend to be too lazy to actually cause you any harm.
4. You can save thousands a year on caffeinated beverages.
3. All awkward silences are now filled with interesting and informative stories about your cat and significant other.
2. You are able to find a bright side to everybody hating you for always looking on the bright side
1. Why gee whillakers, it’s just so much fun!”
THE FILES OF LAW & DISORDER
A story that Colonel Sanders would not be pleased about.
FILE #1: Ignoring a possible nasty case of bird flu, 37-year-old John Morahan, of Saratoga Springs, Florida is accused of putting a roasted chicken in his pants in an effort to steal it. When the store manager approached Morahan about the chicken, Morahan bit the manager on the forearm. No word on whether that tasted like chicken, but Morahan was charged with petit larceny, second-degree assault, and second-degree robbery. ***MARLAR: And now he’s a JAIL BIRD.
FILE #2: Floyd Brown picked the wrong place to rob, because he had no idea what he was getting himself into when he decided to rob an Anchorage, Alaska, Holiday Inn. Brown walked up to the hotel clerk at the front desk — pretended to have a gun — and demanded all the money in the cash register. Meanwhile, Mike Collins, a hotel guest who was near the front desk ready to check out, snuck away to get help from a nearby conference room. Unbeknownst to the robber, the Holiday Inn was in the middle of hosting a two-week police training conference. Within seconds there were 30 cops there to apprehend the would-be criminal. Next time, maybe he’ll pay attention to the big banner in the lobby welcoming the police!
FILE #3: For most thief’s, getting through the door is the main obstacle on the way to a robbery. But for David Lee Johnson, the doors were just the main thing! Police have arrested Johnson in connection for a six-week robbing spree of 19 antique doors from people’s houses. Police finally caught the man while he was trying to sell the doors to a nearby antique store. The doors were valued between $500 and $2,000 apiece. Police Sergeant Ed Tomba said that after the arrest, “We haven’t had a door stolen since. Knock on wood.” Sounds like an open and shut case.
STRANGE LAW: In South Dakota it’s illegal to lie down and fall asleep in a cheese factory.
THIS IS YOUR BRAIN ON DRUGS
A mayor decides it’d be a great idea to pay the homeless with illegal drugs in order to work!
Andrew Uitvlugt, a candidate in the mayoral race in Kelowna, B.C., wants to deal with the city’s drug-addicted homeless people. And “deal” is the absolute correct word to describe what candidate Uitvlugt wants to do, because he says crack could be used as a reward or incentive to motivate people to do constructive work in the city, like picking up garbage. That’s “Crack” as in Cocaine. Once they’ve done their duties, he figures the addicts will feel so good about themselves, they may not need the crack. ***MARLAR: Let’s recap, shall we? This mayoral candidate wants to use illegal drugs as in incentive to get drug addicts to do work – and then hopes that the feeling of a good day’s work will encourage the drug-addicts to not do drugs despite the fact that they’ve been working all day for the sole purpose of obtaining those illegal drugs. It sounds to me like maybe the mayoral candidate has been use his own incentives.
Does anyone do great farm animal noises? Call in and give us your best!
BIBLE BRAIN BUSTER!
QUESTION: Who was the first metal craftsman in the Bible?
ANSWER: Tubal-Cain (Genesis 4:22)
QUESTION: The average baby will spend 2.2 hours a day doing what?
TRUE OR FALSE
Pay attention! If our next player doesn’t answer all ten T/F questions correctly we start all over from question #1! First person to answer question #10 correctly is our winner!
1. The main purpose for the gold earrings once worn by pirates and sailors was to pay for their burials. (True)
2. Electric eels can deliver shocks up to 550 volts. (True)
3. A group of finches is called a covey (False – it’s a “charm.”)
4. One-time ruler of Egypt, Mohammed Ali, once created two infantry regiments made up entirely of one-eyed soldiers. (True – not the boxer though!)
5. President Ulysses S. Grant was the first President to display fireworks at the White House. (False – it was John Adams.)
6. “Pogonology” is the study of mathmatical shapes. (False – it’s the study of beards.)
7. Iranian women competed in the Olympics for the first time at the 2008 Beijing Games. (False – but it hasn’t been long. Their first time was in 1995 in Atlanta.)
8. “Corduroy” comes from the French, “cord du roi,” or “cloth of the king.” (True)
9. In the Czech Republic, peas are thrown at brides and grooms rather than rice. (True)
10. Typically, a $1 bill lasts only 18 months in circulation. (True. Also, $5 bills last two years, $10 bills last three years, $20 bills last four years, and $50 and $100 bills make it about nine years.)
TABLOID MATCH GAME
You have to match the blank in the tabloid headline with the word or phrase that has been removed!
________ BODIES FOUND IN HIMALAYAS (ALIEN)
American and Nepalese authorities have recovered the bodies of six aliens ship from an ice pack near the summit of a Himalayan mountain peak.
A UFO expert, Dr. John Malley, made the discovery, with his team from the U.N. Panel on Extraterrestrials. Dr. Malley charges that the governments of both countries are conspiring to keep the discovery secret for fear of causing a global panic if all the facts are made public.
The pictures he took of the bodies were seized by Nepalese authorities – with American government officials in the room!
“They took the photos and they have seized the bodies of the aliens. They also took the eight fragments of a Gootan spaceship – but they don’t want us to know anything about it,” said Henri Degois, president of a Paris-based watchdog group Scientists for Truth in UFO Reporting, which accompanied Dr. Malley in his exploration of the alien site.
“The cover-up is not only in excusable, it is outright criminal,” said Degois.
THE WAY TOO EARLY IN THE MORNING TO UNDERSTAND THE PUNCHLINE EVEN AFTER TWO CUPS OF COFFEE JOKE OF THE DAY
Three women die together in an accident and go to heaven.
When they get there, St. Peter says, “We only have one rule here in heaven: don’t step on the ducks!”
So they enter heaven, and sure enough, there are ducks all over the place. It is almost impossible not to step on a duck, and although they try their best to avoid them, the first woman accidentally steps on one.
Along comes St. Peter with the ugliest man she ever saw.
St. Peter chains them together and says, “Your punishment for stepping on a duck is to spend eternity chained to this ugly man!”
The next day, the second woman steps accidentally on a duck and along comes St. Peter, who doesn’t miss a thing. With him is another extremely ugly man. He chains them together with the same admonishment as for the first woman.
The third woman has observed all this and, not wanting to be chained for all eternity to an ugly man, is very, VERY careful where she steps.
She manages to go months without stepping on any ducks, but one day St. Peter comes up to her with the most handsome man she has ever laid eyes on … very tall, long eyelashes, muscular, and thin.
St. Peter chains them together without saying a word.
The woman remarks, “I wonder what I did to deserve being chained to you for all of eternity?”
The guy says, “I don’t know about you, but I stepped on a duck!”
My sister was bemoaning the fact that she had procrastinated cleaning and organizing her house for a long time. Since she was planning to entertain, she felt a lot of pressure to get moving. That afternoon she phoned, sounding glum.
“I went to the bookstore,” she explained. “And I bought a book on how to get organized. I was all fired up, and decided to clean out all the shelves in the living room. While I was working, I found the same darn book. I had bought it a couple of years ago. . .
Mrs. Jones called the doctor’s office and was met with this response by the secretary. “This is Dr. Whitman’s office. What would you like to talk about?”
Mrs. Jones was disturbed by this response and replied sarcastically, “I want to order a hamburger with fries. For goodness’s sake, why would I call a doctor if I didn’t feel sick? I’m very sick. I need to see the doctor.”
“Fine,” replied the secretary, “I can make an appointment for you. Let me see, ahhhh yes, I have an appointment one week from next Friday.”
“Great,” said Mrs. Jones, “I’ll have my mortician drop me off then!”
If you were to rub garlic on the heel of your foot, it would be absorbed by the pores and eventually show up on your breath. ***Of course, there are much more enjoyable ways to get bad breath, but they call cause smelly feet.
Jail inmates in Pasco County, Florida are complaining about having to wear the black-and-white-striped uniforms on outside work details. One man said the new prisoner uniforms made them “look like convicts.” ***Kudos to the fashion designers! Well done!
“An abstract noun,” the teacher said, “is something you can think of, but you can’t touch it. Can you give me an example of one?”
“Sure,” a teenage boy replied. “My father’s new car.”
IT MUST BE TRUE BECAUSE I HEARD IT ON THE RADIO!
“Resumania” is a term coined by Mr. Robert Half, founder of RHI Consulting’s parent company, to describe the unintentional bloopers that often appear on job candidates’ resumes, job applications and cover letters. Here’s some examples:
- “I perform my job with effortless efficiency, effectiveness, efficacy, and expertise.” (And an eye on the “e” section of the dictionary, evidently.)
- “Insufficient writing skills, thought processes have slowed down some. If I am not one of the best, I will look for another opportunity.” (No problem …)
- “Seek challenges that test my mind and body, since the two are usually inseparable.” (Glad to hear it.)
- “My compensation should be at least equal to my age.” (And bonuses “tied to” his shoe size?)
- “I am very detail-oreinted.” (With the possible exception of spelling)
- “I can play well with others.” (We’ll be sure to tell your mommy.)
- “Married, eight children. Prefer frequent travel.” (A new twist on work-family balance.)
- “Objection: To utilize my skills in sales.” (Have you considered law school?)
- “My salary requirement is $34 per year.” (They say money isn’t everything.)
- “Served as assistant sore manager.” (Ouch.)
- “Work history: Bum. Abandoned belongings and led nomadic lifestyle.” (So you’re willing to travel?)
- “Previous experience: Self-employed – a fiasco.” (Definitely to the point.)
- “I vow to fulfill the goals of the company as long as I live.” (And they say loyalty is hard to come by.)
- “Reason for leaving last job: Pushed aside so the vice president’s girlfriend could steal my job.” (We’re glad you’re not bitter.)
Do you know how powerful your prayers are?
They flow out of your mouth and they go out and find anybody that you want to pray for, wherever they are. It doesn’t matter who or where they are, God doesn’t even have to have their address, and He already knows it. It’s the power of the Spirit of God, and nothing can limit the power of the Spirit of God. It’s the Elixir of Heaven! It doesn’t matter what you pray for, it is just absolutely marvelous! Every one of you has power! It’s sad that we don’t pray more for people, because there are so many people we could pray for and help. Don’t you think you should pray for them? When you think about someone, you can send out a little prayer, just like a tracer. But a thought about someone or something is not a prayer; a thought is just like an employee who’s standing there waiting for a command, an order. And if he just stands there and waits, he’ll never get anything done. A thought is only the beginning of a prayer. When you pray a prayer in Jesus’ name, it runs just like a messenger. That’s the difference. Just thinking about them is not going to do it. You have to put feet to your prayer and send it and say, “Oh God, please help them, in Jesus’ name. I love them and I want you to help them!” You have to send the messenger. You have to pray the prayer. There is so much that you will never know that you didn’t accomplish because you didn’t pray. When you think about someone that you love, or someone that you feel sorry for or that you know needs help, it’s God by His Holy Spirit who is putting that thought in your mind. It’s just like a telephone call! You’re like the telephone exchange, and God sends the main call from His Spirit to your mind. But it’s up to you to make the connection, to send it on to the party that needs to receive it. But if you only think about them and then you just cut if off, it’s like you’re turning the phone off on God! It’s like God’s trying to make a phone call and He gives you the number and wants you to put it through. You’re the operator. God is the One whose calling, but He tries to put it through you because He wants to show you what love really is.
— Johan Lourens from South Africa
DRIVE TIME DEVOTIONAL
WHEN IT’S HARD TO PRAY
Read: Romans 8:26-27
There is not a word on my tongue, but behold, O Lord, You know it altogether. —Psalm 139:4
The Bible tells us that God knows our every thought and every word on our tongue (Psalm 139:1-4). And when we don’t know what to pray for, the Holy Spirit “makes intercession for us with groanings which cannot be uttered” (Romans 8:26).
These biblical truths assure us that we can have communication with God even without a word being spoken, because He knows the intentions and desires of our heart. What a comfort when we are perplexed or in deep distress! We don’t have to worry if we can’t find the words to express our thoughts and feelings. We don’t have to feel embarrassed if sometimes our sentences break off half-finished. God knows what we were going to say. We don’t have to feel guilty if our thoughts wander and we have to struggle to keep our minds focused on the Lord.
And for that matter, we don’t have to worry about a proper posture in prayer. If we are elderly or arthritic and can’t kneel, that’s okay. What God cares about is the posture of our heart.
What a wonderful God! No matter how much you falter and stumble in your praying, He hears you. His heart of infinite love responds to the needs and emotions of your own inarticulate heart. So keep on praying! —Vernon Grounds
Prayer is the soul’s sincere desire,
Unuttered or expressed,
The motion of a hidden fire
That trembles in the breast. —Montgomery
Prayer does not require eloquence but earnestness.
STOP THAT RACKET!
One of the hottest selling CD’s in New Zealand is also one of the most annoying too! It’s 64 minutes of loud lawnmower noise.
The astro-turf covered CD of lawnmower noise is the brainchild of Geoff Marsland. Marsland said he came up with the CD as a way of combating noisy inconsiderate neighbors in apartment buildings. “If your neighbors have a party Saturday night fairly late … what you do is you get up at seven o’clock in the morning, put the hour of lawn mowing sound on and go out to a cafe,” Wellington said. The album is his second. He previously sold around 4,200 copies of an album of urban noise such as a car alarm sounding off, a revving motorcycle, and three minutes of a baby crying. ***MARLAR: Hey, if you want to annoy someone with a CD, just record my show, take out the songs, and make a CD of me talking for 64 minutes. My wife tells me that’s enough to drive anyone nutzoid.
LIFE… LIVE IT
A new study finds that parents who use baby powder, lotion or shampoo on their infants may be exposing them to controversial chemicals with some nasty side effects.
…The chemicals are called phthalates and in testing of 163 babies with an average age of 13 months, seven or more types of phthalates were found in their systems. Previous studies have linked the chemicals to reproductive abnormalities, allergies and eczema. They warn that unborn children and infants are especially vulnerable to these chemicals. Incidentally, babies don’t need lotions since it’s the one time in your life that your skin is perfect. If your baby does have a patch of dry skin, use petroleum jelly, which doesn’t absorb into the system so much.
JUST FOR FUN
As if advertising in the grocery store isn’t straight forward enough, soon you’ll be seeing ads floating right in the middle of the aisles!
Attention shoppers! You may soon see images of advertised products floating in mid-air at the supermarket! The images come from an appliance the size of a vending machine, and it projects still or moving images about 16 inches (40cm) in size which the human eye perceives as floating in mid-air. According to Holomedia, the makers of the device, “Preliminary studies showed that these images achieve a faster and more lasting memory imprint.” In other words… they’re more likely to make you buy something than traditional advertising. ***MARLAR: Great… like I don’t have enough hallucinations already when thinking of food.
THINGS PEOPLE DON’T THINK WHEN THEY SEE A CHRISTIAN SYMBOL ON YOUR CAR
Look! Let’s stop that car and ask those folks how we can become Christians.
Don’t worry, Billy, those people are Christians. They must have a good reason for driving 90 miles an hour.
What a joy to be sharing the highway with another car of Spirit-filled brothers and sisters.
Isn’t it wonderful how God blessed that Christian couple with a brand-new BMW?
Dad, how come people who drive like that don’t get thrown in jail? Can we get a bumper sticker like that, too?
Stay clear of those folks, Martha. If they get raptured, that car’s gonna be all over the road!
Oh, look! That Christian woman is getting a chance to share Jesus with a police officer.
No, that’s not garbage their throwing out of their windows, Bert. It’s probably gospel tracts for the road workers.
Oh boy, we’re in trouble now! We just rear-ended one of God’s cars.
Quick, Alice, honk the horn or they won’t know that we love Jesus!
MORE SHOW PREP STUFF…
ELEPHANT KIDNAPS WOMAN
A female tourist visiting a Ugandan game park ignored warnings to stay away from a male elephant. She got too close while trying to snap a picture, and the precocious pachyderm picked her up in his trunk and ran into the bushes. Wildlife officials have launched an intensive search for the missing woman. ***MARLAR: The only good thing about an elephant kidnapping you… chances are the ransom will only be peanuts.
OTHER STUFF I WANT TO CRAM INTO TODAY’S PREP
An ancient biblical scroll that was reduced to a charred lump in a fire that destroyed a Jewish community in AD 600 has been virtually “unfurled” and read for the first time. According to Christian Today.com, The scroll was one of several “charred lumps of what appeared to be animal skin”. It turned out to be the earliest example of the Book of Leviticus ever discovered, dating from around 400 BC. The En-Gedi scroll was shelved until pioneering work at Kentucky University’s computer science department, in collaboration with the Dead Sea Scrolls project in Jerusalem, came up with a digital way to unwrap and read the scroll using latest visualization techniques in computer science. http://ow.ly/omCk304uPcg
Seng Li was the first believer in her family. According to Open Doors Youth, she was 15-years-old and at school where she first heard the Gospel and chose to believe in Jesus. She shared her newfound faith with her mother and two brothers who also became Christians. However, her father was not very happy about it, especially when they tried to witness to him. Her father was then a leader in their clan’s animistic rituals of tribal worship. In fact, he threatened to beat up his family because of their conversions. Nevertheless, the four of them faithfully prayed for his heart to open up to Jesus until he finally believed. Now, Seng Li and her whole family are Christians. It has been more than a year since that happened, and Seng Li is now in church leadership training. http://bit.ly/2cDYDEc
Here’s a reason not to flop in front of the flat screen: Less TV may make you happier. Researchers at the University of Maryland found that unhappy people watched about 20% more television than very happy people. It’s not whether more TV leads to unhappiness or if happiness leads to less tube time, but either way, it’s a great reason to hit the “off” button and read a book, go for a walk or meet friends.
When Mackenzie Fraiser included a slide with one of her favorite Bible verses in a power point presentation, her teacher told her to remove it. And, according to Focus on the Family, the sixth grader isn’t the only student who has been told they have to censor themselves at school. Other teachers and school officials also mistakenly believe that they are obligated to shut down any mention of faith in the classroom. In response, Focus is sponsoring its third annual “Bring Your Bible to School Day” on Thursday, Oct. 6. This nationwide free-speech event for students is designed to remind students of their First Amendment rights – and to empower them to exercise those rights. Last year about 155,000 students from all 50 states took a stand for their faith by celebrating their religious freedom and sharing God’s hope with their friends. http://bit.ly/2cCW2KI
AND I LEAVE YOU WITH THIS THOUGHT
“If law school is so hard to get through… how come there are so many lawyers?” –Calvin Trillin
THE TICKET Movie Reviews with MARIE ASNER
Marie Asner has been reviewing films for over 30 years. Her outlets include radio, print and Internet. For more in-depth movie reviews of the following films, visit www.Tollbooth.org. Ratings from 1 (Low) to 5 (High).
SEPTEMBER 23, 2016…
The Magnificent Seven—Here comes another remake of this classic western. Denzel Washington plays the leader of this group of mercenaries with Chris Pratt as his right hand gun. It is the familiar story of a group of gunslingers who protect a defenseless town from the bad guys. Also in the cast are Ethan Hawke and Haley Bennett. The original film with William Holden came out in 1960 and that was adapted from “Seven Samuari” by Akira Kurosawa. “The Magnificent Seven” is rated R. Rating of 3 for fans.
Storks—In this animated film, what to do when your boss (the Head Stork) decides you shouldn’t deliver babies anymore, but you still have one child left. Such is the dilemma of Andy Samberg as the lone stork and Kelsey Grammar as his boss. Katie Crown is also in the cast. “Storks” is rated PG. No rating.
The Dressmaker—Rosalie Ham wrote quite a novel about a dressmaker and it is a story of good luck and bad luck. Kate Winslet takes on this role of a woman who has sewing skills and decides to open a dress shop in the far reaches of Australia, thus giving woman there a chance at fashionable attire. Bold move. Also in the cast is Liam Hemsworth. “The Dressmaker” is rated PG 13. Rating of 2 for Kate Winslet fans.
The Hollars—John Krasinski (“The Office”) writes and directs this film about a man going to visit his family and finding they are still as dysfunctional as usual. The cast includes Sharito Copley, Anna Kendrick and Charlie Day. “The Hollars” is rated PG 13. No rating.
Beauty And The Beast—Here is, yet again, another re-telling of the famed story of a handsome man turned into a beast, and trying to find someone to love him so he can turn back. The stars are Vincent Cassel and Lea Seydoux. No music here. “Beauty And The Beast” is rated PG-13. No rating.
Dough (opening in select cities)—Jonathan Pryce (“Game of Thrones”) is the Jewish baker, Nat, who tries to keep his business going by avoiding a greedy real estate developer. When he takes on a young assistant from Dakar (Jerome Holder), things look bright. Or are they? Also in the cast is Natasha Gordon. “Dough” is rated PG 13. Rating of 2 for bread-making fans.
SEPTEMBER 30, 2016…
Miss Peregrine’s Home For Peculiar Children is based on the famous novel (first of several books in the series) about special “gifted” children who are sometimes hunted for their abilities.
Deepwater Horizon and the film concerns the oil spill that was top news for months and months.
Masterminds follows a true story about armored car drivers who want to do a robbery. Stars Kristin Wiig and Owen Wilson.
Denial stars Rachel Weisz in a real life court case about the Holocaust.
(new opening date) Masterminds is about two armored truck drivers, one of which is Zach Galifianakis. A comedy.
The Queen of Katwa is about a young woman from Uganda who becomes a chess champion. True story.
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Darren Marlar credits all non-original material to the author whenever possible. All other material is original, used with permission, or author unknown. We welcome all comments, questions, and suggestions. Darren can be reached via his website at www.DarrenMarlar.com.