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PRINTER FRIENDLY VERSION: 20150927
WELCOME TO THE SHOW!
I don’t feel that great this morning. We went out for Tex-Mex last night – I’m thinking I should have skipped the guacamole sundae.
BIBLE VERSE OF THE DAY
“He who is slow to anger is better than the mighty, and he who rules his spirit than he who takes a city.” –Proverbs 16:32
Do not withhold good from those who deserve it, when it is in your power to act. –Proverbs 3:27
HEARTLIGHT DAILY VERSE, PRAYER & THOUGHT
We know him who said, “It is mine to avenge; I will repay,” and again, “The Lord will judge his people.” It is a dreadful thing to fall into the hands of the living God. — Hebrews 10:30-31
Thought: God hates injustice, unfairness, brutality and abuse. In a world where the greedy, the murdering, the thieving, the raping, the mugging… get away with their shameless and despicable behavior, God is the ultimate assurance that justice will be done and the wicked will not triumph. While those who love and serve Jesus’ expect his return with anticipation and joy, those who are evil and vile will find out what a dreadful thing it is to fall into God’s hands.
Prayer: Holy and Righteous God, my Heavenly Father, I am both uncomfortable and comforted to know that you will bring justice on those who have violently abused the innocent, weak, helpless, underprivileged, and infirm. I hate to see anyone lost. I hate even worse when evil people harm those who are good and kind and godly. Give me the courage to stand in between the evil of my world and those on whom it preys. Because of his grace and victory over sin and death, I pray in the holy name of Jesus. Amen.
“BIRTHDAY VERSE” OF THE DAY
The chapter and verse corresponds to the month and the day!
Nehemiah 9:27 NIV = So you handed them over to their enemies, who oppressed them. But when they were oppressed they cried out to you. From heaven you heard them, and in your great compassion you gave them deliverers, who rescued them from the hand of their enemies.
TODAY IS SUNDAY – SEPTEMBER 27, 2015
(NOTE: Some holidays may be duplicated due to various calendars reporting conflicting dates)
WEIRD, WACKY, STRANGE, ZANY, ODD, BIZARRE, QUIRKY, UNUSUAL HOLIDAYS!
THERE ARE ONLY 89 SHOPPING DAYS UNTIL CHRISTMAS.
Today is FIRE PREVENTION DAY, the anniversary of the Great Chicago Fire in 1871, when legend says Mrs. O’Leary’s cow kicked over a lantern. Over 98,000 people were left homeless by the fire.
PERMANENT WAVE DAY. In 1906, hairdresser Karl Nessler introduced the “permanent wave” at his salon in London. ***MARLAR: Today it’s usually called simply a “permanent” – while a permanent wave is reserved for beauty queens in Thanksgiving parades.
Today is LOVABLE LAWYERS DAY. ***MARLAR: It’s one of those holidays that expect you to believe in beings that don’t really exist.
TODAY IS ALSO. . .
Ancestor Appreciation Day
Gold Star Mother’s Day
World Tourism Day
COMING UP NEXT
(Note: Just because holiday is listed here it does not mean we are endorsing it.)
MONDAY SEPTEMBER 28
Family Day – Be Involved, Stay Involved
Fish Tank Floorshow Night
National Good Neighbor Day
World Rabies Day
TUESDAY, SEPTEMBER 29
National Biscotti Day
National Attend Your Grandchild’s Birth Day
WEDNESDAY, SEPTEMBER 30
National Women’s Health & Fitness Day
THURSDAY, OCTOBER 01
CD Player Day
Fire Pup Day
International Day of Older Persons
Model T Day
National Book It! Day
World Vegetarian Day
FRIDAY, OCTOBER 02
Guardian Angels Day
International Day of Non-Violence
National Custodial Workers Day
Phileas Fogg’s Wager Day
World Farm Animals Day
Lee’s National Denim Day
National Diversity Day
SATURDAY, OCTOBER 03
Cephalopod Awareness Day
Inter-American Water Day
World Card Making Day
SUNDAY, OCTOBER 04
Blessing of The Animals Day (Blessing of the Pets Day/World Pet Day)
Improve Your Office Day
National Shop in a Bottle Day
International Blessings of the Fishing Fleet Day
Country Inn Bed & Breakfast Day
International African Diaspora Day
World Communion Day
SUNDAY, OCTOBER 05
Child Health Day
World Day of Bullying Prevention / Blue Shirt Day
World Habitat Day
ON THIS DAY
1960: In his last major-league at bat, Red Sox legend Ted Williams hit a 420-foot home run.
1968: Anson, Texas, secretary Jeannie C. Riley hit #1 on the Billboard Country Music Chart with “Harper Valley P.T.A.” The Tom T. Hall song became the top single of 1968.
1988: The U.S. issued a patent (#4,777,680) to Lirida Paz of Elizabeth, New Jersey, for the Musical Potty Chair, a device that automatically plays music when a child-trainee successfully utilizes it. ***MARLAR: It never really caught on though, as children became conditioned to it, and would suddenly need to use the bathroom every time someone turned on the radio.
1991: A llama conference in Hagerstown, Maryland, included a seminar entitled “Till Death Us Do Part,” offering tips on how to handle the loss of a beloved llama. More than 200 llama lovers attended the conference.
1991: Ropin’ the Wind by Garth Brooks became the first country music album to debut at #1 on Billboard’s pop album chart.
1996: During their wedding at Spokane’s First Presbyterian Church, Craig and Jill Looper’s vow-sealing kiss set off the fire alarm. Or maybe it was an electrical problem. None of the 350 guests was injured, but the wedding cake was ruined. The couple signed their license on the hood of a fire truck.
1996: Baltimore Oriole Roberto Alomar was suspended five games for spitting in the face of umpire John Hirschbeck during an argument over a called third strike.
1999: The so-called “Iron Police Chief” known for commanding Albania’s toughest local police force was ordered back to school for failing a Police Academy exam. Chief Edmond Koseni said he’d been too busy cleaning up Elbasan to cram for the test.
TODAY IN CHRISTIAN HISTORY
1704: A statute was enacted by the colony of Maryland, giving ministers the right to impose divorce on “unholy couples.”
1774: Anglican clergyman and hymn writer John Newton wrote in a letter: ‘We are always equally in danger in ourselves and always equally safe under the shadow of His wings.’
1808: Andover Theological Seminary first opened in Massachusetts, under sponsorship of the Congregational Church.
1895: At a convention in Atlanta, three Baptist groups merged to form the National Baptist Convention. It is today the largest African-American denomination in America and the world.
1934: The first issue of “The Sword of the Lord” was published. Founded by Baptist evangelist John R. Rice, 39, it became the largest independent Christian weekly for years, and was recognized by liberals as the “voice of fundamentalism.”
HOLLYWOOD, SPORTS AND CELEBRITY FIGURE BIRTHDAYS
- actress/comedienne (“SNL,” Mystery Men, The Truth About Cats & Dogs) Janeane Garofalo 51
- Singer/actor (The Hardy Boys) Shaun Cassidy, 57
- actor (The Firm, Cocoon) Wilford Brimley 81
(Music Artist Birthdays From SongFacts.com)
1898 : Vincent Youmans
1941 : Don Nix (Booker T. & The MGs)
1947 : Meat Loaf; Born Marvin Lee Aday
1952 : Robbie Shakespeare
1953 : Greg Ham (Men At Work)
1958 : Shaun Cassidy
1966 : Stephan Jenkins (Third Eye Blind)
1970 : Mark Calderon (Color Me Badd)
1982 : Lil Wayne
1984 : Avril Lavigne
SECRETS OF THE UNIVERSE
Why do we call it a piggy bank? What ever made us decide that a ceramic pig was the perfect thing to store our money in anyway?
Dogs bury bones. Squirrels gather nuts to last through the winter. Camels store food and water so they can travel many days across deserts. But do pigs save anything? Pigs store nothing. They bury nothing. They store nothing. So why do we save our coins in a piggy bank? Because someone made a mistake. During The Middle Ages, in about the fifteenth century, metal was expensive and seldom used for household wares. Instead, dishes and pots were made of an economical clay called pygg. Whenever housewives could save an extra coin, they dropped it into one of their clay jars. They called this their pygg bank or their piggy bank. Over the next two hundred to three hundred years, people forgot that “pygg” referred to the earthenware material. In the nineteenth century when English potters received requests for piggy banks, they produced banks shaped like a pig. Of course, the pigs appealed to the customers and delighted the children.
CHRISTIAN ARTIST NEWS
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Selah’s Todd Smith was taking his life into his own hands this week. He tweeted: Even in the Columbus, Ohio airport wear it proudly! Attached was a picture of his Michigan Wolverines t-shirt.
Jamie Grace has a unique way of dealing with lame pickup lines. She shared this week: when dudes have lame pickup lines I don’t run, I start talking about how much I love being in ministry. So sad how quickly THEY run.
Kutless member James Mead is a self described 2015 hippy. He tweeted: I wear Birkenstocks and mix my own beard oils.
Christian comedian Chonda Pierce is out with the official trailer for her movie debut titled Laughing in the dark. Chonda says the movie is as real as it gets, giving an honest look at her life. It will be in theaters for one night, on October 27. https://www.facebook.com/video.php?v=10153066684181316
Jonny Diaz had some good news and some not so good news this week. He tweeted: Great news – I have a praying mom. Not so great news – She’s apparently discovered emojis.
Natalie Grant says her Tuesday involved both bleach and green juice. She shared: One natural. One not. Both necessary. The bleach was for her hair while she drank the green juice.
Just how good is Blanca’s music? One fan tweeted: Blanca is making Calculus 3 almost bearable.
Mercyme’s Bart Millard says diabetes sucks. He shared: My 13 yr old was diagnosed with type 1 diabetes at age 2. In other words, he’s had roughly 20,000 shots in his life so far.
Hawk Nelson member Daniel Biro was able to pass the bands latest CD onto a world leader this week. Daniel shared that he handed the band’s album Diamonds to the Canadian Prime Minister, Stephen Harper, and he accepted it.
WEIRD & WACKY
|Iranian in UK tries to get sent home but is in UK legally
LONDON (AP) — Tens of thousands of people fleeing warfare and poverty are trying to enter Europe but at least one Iranian man who has made his home in Britain seems desperate to leave. Manchester Police say Arash Aria turned himself in Monday, claiming to be in Britain illegally, but after…
|Man feared dead on eastern Pennsylvania highway was napping
WIND GAP, Pa. (AP) — State police say a man feared dead along an eastern Pennsylvania highway was just napping. HASH(0x1416dd0) But troopers who responded say they found the man was homeless and merely sleeping. They woke him up and he left the area without incident. Police say the man was…
|Prisoner uses bed sheets in escape, falls when knot slips
LOUISVILLE, Ky. (AP) — Two inmates at a Louisville, Kentucky, jail could have used a course in knot-tying when authorities say they plotted an escape using bed sheets. Officials say the men escaped to the roof of a minimum-security building Monday night and used a rope made of bed sheets to…
|Pennsylvania reporter working story finds missing boys
STATE COLLEGE, Pa. (AP) — A newspaper reporter found two missing boys — who it turns out were just skipping school — after he was sent to cover their disappearance in central Pennsylvania. Centre Daily Times reporter Shawn Annarelli says the brothers, age 7 and 9, were supposed to…
|Bear hit with tranquilizer dart runs into pond, drowns
DAYTON, Nev. (AP) — Efforts to corral a black bear at a Nevada golf course came to a grim end when wildlife officials tranquilized the animal and it ran into a pond and drowned. Nevada Department of Wildlife spokesman Chris Healy says the 300-pound male bear was wandering Monday evening…
|PETA sues to give monkey the copyright of selfie photos photo
A macaque monkey who took now-famous selfie photographs should be declared the copyright owner of the photos, rather than the nature photographer who positioned the camera, animal-rights activists contend in a novel lawsuit filed Tuesday. The suit was filed in federal court in San Francisco by…
|Sheriff: Lawyers can keep bras on while entering Maine jail
PORTLAND, Maine (AP) — Jail workers went too far in telling female lawyers they’d have to remove their underwire bras if they wanted to meet with clients, a sheriff said. At least two attorneys say they were told they’d have to remove their bras when entering the Cumberland County Jail…
|Man who says ‘evil twin’ robbed stores gets over 60 years
ALLENTOWN, Pa. (AP) — A man who claimed at trial that his “evil twin” robbed 10 gas stations, convenience and beer stores in eastern Pennsylvania must spend at least 60 years in prison. HASH(0x140cec0) A jury last month convicted Felton in the 10 robberies in the Lehigh Valley, all of which…
|$1 million lottery ticket found among woman’s old mail
KENTWOOD, Mich. (AP) — A Michigan woman who won a $1 million lottery prize didn’t know about it for months, after leaving the ticket in a pile of mail. Lottery officials say Linda Tuttle of Kentwood stepped forward Tuesday with a winning ticket from the May 26 Mega Millions drawing. Tuttle…
|Cops: Chocolate factory worker makes bomb threat to be fired
ST. ALBANS, Vt. (AP) — Police say a Vermont chocolate factory worker hated his job and wanted to get fired, so he did the first thing that came to mind: He called in a bomb threat. Police say 22-year-old Kristofer Pregent stole a co-worker’s cellphone and made the false threat under a…
|Father, son use net to capture exotic bird in New Hampshire
BOW, N.H. (AP) — An emu that had been loose and wandering around New Hampshire for more than a week has been caught. Maria Colby, a bird specialist who operates Wings of the Dawn Wildlife Sanctuary in Henniker, says a father and son captured the large, flightless bird in Bow Sunday afternoon….
HEALTH & FITNESS
|Clinton aims to tackle out-of-pocket health care costs photo
WASHINGTON (AP) — Hillary Rodham Clinton proposed a series of steps on Wednesday to lessen the burden of out-of-pocket medical bills for Americans covered by President Barack Obama’s health care law. The Democratic presidential candidate said she would require plans to provide three sick…
|Company says will cut price of drug after accused gouging
SAN FRANCISCO (AP) — The company that sparked an angry backlash after it raised the price of a drug for treating a deadly parasitic infection by more than 5,000 percent says it will roll back some of the increase. Turing Pharmaceuticals CEO Martin Shkreli told ABC News on Tuesday that the new…
|UN Ebola response now planned to continue into 2016
DAKAR, Senegal (AP) — The United Nations is now planning for its Ebola response to last into mid-2016, suggesting the battle against the virus that has killed more than 11,000 people won’t be over by year-end, according to a report Wednesday. The news comes as health officials struggle to…
|Spain court backs ruling for German firm in thalidomide case
MADRID (AP) — Spain’s Supreme Court has upheld a lower court ruling that a German pharmaceutical company does not have to pay compensation to 22 Spaniards who blame their disabilities on the drug thalidomide. The court said Wednesday that it upheld a Madrid provincial tribunal’s acceptance…
|Kansas doctor, wife face new sentencing in overdose deaths photo
WICHITA, Kan. (AP) — The Kansas physician and his wife were convicted of a shocking crime: running a moneymaking conspiracy at a clinic that prosecutors have linked to 68 drug overdose deaths. Yet Dr. Stephen Schneider and his wife, Linda, contend they also helped people with chronic pain at…
|Thickening haze dampens swing of Singapore festivities photo
SINGAPORE (AP) — A thickening, smoky haze cast a shadow over festivities in Singapore on Thursday, as Muslims headed to mosques to celebrate the culmination of the annual hajj pilgrimage and Chinese readied for a traditional harvest festival. As many Singaporeans stayed at home for the public…
|Study: Diagnosis wrong too often, urgent improvement needed photo
WASHINGTON (AP) — Most people will experience at least one wrong or delayed diagnosis at some point in their lives, a blind spot in modern medicine that can have devastating consequences, says a new report that calls for urgent changes across health care. Getting the right diagnosis, at the…
|Some tips for patients to reduce odds of being misdiagnosed
The Institute of Medicine says patient input is critical as health providers try to figure out the right diagnosis. Here are tips from the IOM’s report Tuesday, adapted from the National Patient Safety Foundation and the Society to Improve Diagnosis in Medicine: —Don’t hesitate to ask…
|Txt msgs may lead to broad heart-linked benefits, study says
CHICAGO (AP) — Txt msgs may b gud 4U. That’s the message in a study that suggests just four monthly text messages might spur health improvements for heart patients. The simple, heart-related advice led to substantial changes in blood pressure, cholesterol and physical activity levels,…
|State obesity rates hold steady; 30 pct or more in 22 states
NEW YORK (AP) — New government data shows that in most states, the rate of adult obesity is not moving. Results from a telephone survey show obesity rates stayed about the same in 45 states last year. There were small increases in Kansas, Minnesota, New Mexico, Ohio and Utah. Some experts…
|FDA experts to review safety of Essure birth control implant photo
WASHINGTON (AP) — Federal medical experts will take a closer look at a host of problems reported with the birth control implant called Essure, including chronic pain, bleeding, headaches and allergic reactions. The Food and Drug Administration on Monday posted a 90-page review of Essure…
(None on the weekends)
NEW NEWS KICKERS…
NEWS KICKER EVERGREENS…
CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD TODAY’S EPISODE… “Frogs on Toadstools”
DAILY COMEDY CLIP
CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD TODAY’S EPISODE… Brad Stine, “Safe Cars”
AS THE JUNGLE TURNS – WEEKDAY VERSION
CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD MONDAY’S EPISODE
OPEN: And now, FancyMonkey.com, (Show Name), and (Station Call Letters) bring you As the Jungle Turns! Last time, Katie Snuffleson was still feeling no compassion for her brother Marvy’s head cold – but that’s the furthest thing from her mind, because she’s just learned that Razzleflabbin Island has a magical place in the clouds called Candyland – and the tram has arrived to take her there…
CLOSE: Candyland does sound wonderful – and we’ll see exactly HOW wonderful next time, As the Jungle Turns!
AS THE JUNGLE TURNS – SATURDAY/SUNDAY VERSION
CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD THE EPISODE FOR THE WEEKEND OF SEPTEMBER 26/27, 2015
OPEN: And now, FancyMonkey.com, (Show Name), and (Station Call Letters) bring you As the Jungle Turns! Last time, in order to find the ultimate picnic spot for the ultimate picnic, all of the jungle animals went out together to look. Picnic spot after picnic spot have been found – each one even nicer than the next, but it seems that no matter what they find, Gruffy Bear is just never satisfied with it!
CLOSE: Well it’s about time… I would’ve rebelled three picnic spots ago! But what’s going to happen to Gruffy? And what’s going to happen to the perfect picnic? Find out next time – As the Jungle Turns!
***You may simulcast “As the Jungle Turns” on the Internet stream of your live broadcast only. Any other Internet use of As the Jungle Turns in whole or part including podcasting of your live broadcast is a violation of copyright law. Thank you for your cooperation on this vitally important issue. If you have any questions, please e-mail us.
MOMENT OF DUH
Want to find out how a restaurant handles complaints? One college professor found out… the hard way!
A Columbia University business school professor put 240 New York City restaurants into a panic by sending all 240 a letter, on Columbia University stationary, falsely claiming he had gotten food poisoning by eating at their restaurant. He said he suffered ”extended nausea, vomiting, diarrhea and abdominal cramps” from a meal eaten with his wife during their wedding anniversary. Why did he do this? He wanted to study how they handle complaints. Now he has learned how they handle complaints about him. For after combing through their charge records and reservation records, many came to finally realize it was a hoax, and the school received numerous complaints about the letter. Columbia University apologized to all the restaurants for the ”egregious error in judgment by a junior faculty member” that was ”part of an ill-conceived research project.” The professor’s future at the University, they say, is unclear at the moment.
TOP TEN THINGS YOU DON’T WANT TO HEAR WHILE IN SURGERY
10. Better save that. We’ll need it for the autopsy.
9. Bo! Bo! Come back with that. Bad dog!
8. Wait a minute, if this is his spleen, then what’s that?
7. Oops! Hey, has anyone ever survived from 500 ml of this stuff before?
6. “Ya know, there’s big money in kidneys -and this guy’s got two of ’em.”
5. Could you stop that thing from beating; it’s throwing off my concentration.
4. That’s cool. Now can you make his leg twitch by pressing that one?!
3. OK, now take a picture from this angle. This is truly a freak of nature.
2. Don’t worry. I think it is sharp enough.
1. Oh no! Page 47 of the manual is missing!
THE FILES OF LAW & DISORDER
Pretending to be someone else doesn’t help one criminal.
FILE#1: In Yantis, Texas, Jesse Turner was burglarizing a home when the brother of the homeowner drove by and noticed the front door was open and an unfamiliar car was in the driveway. When he stopped, Jesse came to the door and pretended to be a friend of the family. Knowing that wasn’t true, the man acted like he thought Jesse was his sister’s new boyfriend and said he wanted to meet him, offering to shake his hand. When Jesse came over to him, he grabbed his hand, twisted it behind his back and held him down until a neighbor came over and helped out by giving him some rope to tie him up.
FILE #2: A hungry criminal broke into a bakery and found some cakes that were to his liking. So much to his liking that he ate 42 of them. Maybe he should have stopped at 41 because he suffered such severe indigestion that he couldn’t even move. Security guards heard moaning coming from the kitchen and called the cops who arrested our overeating idiot criminal.
FILE #3: A San Francisco man recently jogged into the Geary Street Safeway grocery store at a brisk pace. The man jogged around the store grabbing a canned ham, and several other items. Without breaking pace, the man shot through an unoccupied checkout line and jogged out the door. With the checkout clerk and several other bag boys in pursuit, the jogger ran across nearby Webster Street. He looked back over his shoulder shouting, “You’ll never catch me!” And at that very instant, a car hit him! He was rushed to a nearby hospital and treated for only minor injuries.
STRANGE LAW: In Massachusetts, state legislation forbids dueling with water pistols.
THIS IS YOUR BRAIN ON DRUGS
For a criminal, Jose Antonios Campos-Cloute chose a strange time to be honest.
While trying to smuggle drugs into Australia, Jose had a momentary lapse of honest behavior while filling out the in-flight customs card while on the plane. He inexplicably admitted “yes” to carrying prohibited goods. The 53-year-old Spanish man answered “no” to every question on his customs card – except the one that asked if he was bringing into Australia anything banned, such as illicit drugs. He pled guilty to one charge of importing a prohibited substance.
Do you still have your teddy bear? Do you still sleep with it? How old is “too old” to sleep with a teddy bear? (A recent survey showed that 1 in 5 single adult men still sleep with a teddy bear!)
BIBLE BRAIN BUSTER!
QUESTION: In Exodus what does the Bible say manna tasted like?
ANSWER: Wafers with honey (Exodus 16:31)
QUESTION: It has 87 diamonds and has been owned by more people than any piece of jewelry. What is it?
ANSWER: A deck of cards
TRUE OR FALSE
Pay attention! If our next player doesn’t answer all ten T/F questions correctly we start all over from question #1! First person to answer question #10 correctly is our winner!
- Ketchup originated in China. (True)
- Bowling premiered as a full-medal Olympic sport at the 1992 Olympic Games in Barcelona. (False – that was badminton.)
- There are 691 drinking fountains in the Pentagon. (True)
- The first major league baseball game played at night was at Wrigley Field on May 25th, 1935. (False. It was May 25th, 1935 – but at Cincinnati’s Crosley Field, not Wrigley Field in Chicago)
- The Apollo 13 crew were the last men on the moon. (False – it as Apollo 17, and Apollo 13 never made it to the moon)
- In 1984, San Diego Padre Steve Garvey became the first “first baseman” to finish the season with a perfect fielding average. (True)
- The peak season for raspberry production is July to September. (True)
- There are 24 properties that can be built upon in the game of Monopoly. (False, there are only 22)
- Caterpillars have around 2000 muscles in their body. (True)
- The king of diamonds on playing cards is the only king without a moustache. (False – that would be the king of diamonds)
TABLOID MATCH GAME
You have to match the blank in the tabloid headline with the word or phrase that has been removed!
WARREN BUFFET ARRESTED FOR _____________ (TAX EVASION)
OMAHA, NE – On the eve of President Obama’s “Buffett Tax” – sources say the Oracle of Omaha was arrested for dodging taxes!
In a surprising development, Warren Buffett was reportedly arrested this morning at his Berkshire Hathaway offices in Omaha. Allegedly, he has not only paid less than his secretary in taxes, he hasn’t paid ANY taxes in last ten years. Or maybe it was just an IRS error. It’s not clear.
The IRS has supposedly been going over Bufftett’s tax returns with extra care because President Obama is about to present the the nation with “the Buffett tax”, which raises taxes on millionaires and billionaires.
What they reportedly found was that Buffett’s company has been paying taxes but it’s Chariman, Warren B., has not filed taxes in ten years and before that he was only paying taxes on a rate of 7%, thanks to some very creative accounting and some help from the IRS.
“Warren always liked to hire accountants with great imaginations,” said a person who knows somebody who works at Berkshire Hathaway. ”He used to have them submit a short story or a painting or a musical composition as a test to see if they were creative enough to be his accountant. He loved to hire circus clowns as accountants. They were the best.”
THE WAY TOO EARLY IN THE MORNING TO UNDERSTAND THE PUNCHLINE EVEN AFTER TWO CUPS OF COFFEE JOKE OF THE DAY
The little old couple walked slowly into McDonald’s on a cold winter evening. They looked out of place amid the young families and young couples. Some of the customers looked admiringly at them.
You could tell what the admirers were thinking.
“Look, there is a couple who has been through a lot together, probably for 60 years or more!”
The little old man walked right up to the cash register, placed his order with no hesitation and then paid for their meal. The couple took a table near the back wall and started taking food off of the tray. There was one hamburger, one order of french fries and one drink.
The little old man unwrapped the plain hamburger and carefully cut it in half. He placed one half in front of his wife. Then he carefully counted out the french fries, divided them in two piles and neatly placed one pile in front of his wife. He took a sip of the drink, his wife took a sip and then set the cup down between them.
As the man began to eat his few bites of hamburger, the crowd began to get restless. Again you could tell what they were thinking.
“That poor old couple. All they can afford is one meal for the two of them.”
As the man began to eat his french fries one young man stood and came over to the old couple’s table. He politely offered to buy another meal for the old couple to eat. The old man replied that they were just fine. They were used to sharing everything.
Then the crowd noticed that the little old lady hadn’t eaten a bite. She just sat there watching her husband eat and occasionally taking turns sipping the drink. Again the young man came over and begged them to let him buy them something to eat. The man again explained that no, they were used to sharing everything together.
As the little old man finished eating and was wiping his face neatly with a napkin, the young man could stand it no longer. Again he came over to their table and offered to buy some food. After being politely refused again, he finally asked a question of the little old lady.
“Ma’am, why aren’t you eating? You said that you share everything. What is it that you are waiting for?”
She answered, “I’m waiting for him to finish with the false teeth.”
Little Emily, the minister’s daughter, ran into the house, crying as though her heart would break.
“What’s wrong, dear?” asked the pastor.
“My doll! Billy broke it!” she sobbed.
“How did he break it, Emily?”
“I hit him over the head with it.”
At the airport for a business trip, I settled down to wait for the boarding announcement at Gate 35. Then I heard the voice on the public address system saying, “We apologize for the inconvenience, but Delta Flight 570 will board from Gate 41.”
So my family picked up our luggage and carried it over to Gate 41. Not ten minutes later the public address voice told us that Flight 570 would in fact be boarding from Gate 35.
So again we gathered our carry-on luggage and returned to the original gate. Just as we were settling down, the public address voice spoke again: “Thank you for participating in Delta’s physical fitness program.”
On average people fear spiders more than they do death. ***MARLAR: Which kind of makes sense. After all, when was the last time you heard of the Grim Reaper getting in someone’s hair?
Charles Dickens wrote (and slept) facing north, aligning himself with the poles of the earth. ***MARLAR: Who knew Charles Dickens was Polish?
MY KNEE HURTS
An old man limped into the doctor’s office and said, “Doctor, my knee hurts so bad, I can hardly walk!”
The doctor slowly eyed him from head to toe, paused and then said, “Sir, how old are you?”
“I’m 98,” the man announced proudly.
The doctor just sighed, and looked at him again. Finally he said, “Sir, I’m sorry. I mean, just look at you. You are almost one hundred years old, and you’re complaining that your knee hurts?
Well, what did you expect?”
The old man said, “Well, my other knee is 98 years old too, and it doesn’t hurt!”
IT MUST BE TRUE BECAUSE I HEARD IT ON THE RADIO!
Can you take a tax deduction for your child if your child has been kidnapped?
U.S. tax law allows for deductions and credits for parents with children. But the parents of a child who was kidnapped were not sure what to do on last year’s taxes, so they asked the Internal Revenue Service for guidance. They noted they still hold out hope that their child is alive, and are maintaining the child’s bedroom and spending money on a search. The IRS has told the unidentified couple that yes; they may take a deduction for the child — but only in the year that the child was abducted. After that, the deduction is denied until the child is returned. The most disturbing element of this story: the fact that the IRS is so focused on taking your money that they’ve even thought in advance about how to get it if your kid is kidnapped.
There was an atheist couple who had a child. The couple never told their daughter anything about the Lord. One night when the little girl was 5 years old, the parents fought with each other and the dad shot the Mom, right in front of the child. Then, the dad shot himself. The little girl watched it all. She then was sent to a foster home. The foster mother was a Christian and took the child to church.
On the first day of Sunday School, the foster mother told the teacher that the girl had never heard of Jesus, and to have patience with her. The teacher held up a picture of Jesus and said, “Does anyone know who this is?”
The little girl said, “I do, that’s the man who was holding me the night my parents died.”
DRIVE TIME DEVOTIONAL
I think that I shall never see
A church that’s all it ought to be;
A church whose members never stray
Beyond the straight and narrow way;
A church whose members always sing
And flock to church when bells ring.
Such perfect churches there may be,
But none of them are known to me.
But still we’ll work and pray and plan
To make our own the best we can.
Remember that God almighty intends for us to fellowship together and build each other up in the body of Christ. Also remember that “iron sharpens iron”.
Not forsaking the assembling of ourselves together, as the manner of some is; but exhorting one another: and so much the more, as ye see the day approaching.” –Hebrews 10:25
What’s the strangest place you’ve seen someone have a wedding reception?
Newlyweds Jason and Nina Payne treated their guests to a reception at Kentucky Fried Chicken. The wedding party tucked into a no-frills breakfast of crispy chicken wings, drumsticks, fries and cola. Nina said that she and her husband just wanted to do something different. The groom raised a toast with a fizzy cola and the store manager agreed that it may be the “oddest thing” thing that he’s ever seen. ***MARLAR: But that was before the cake made of gizzards was rolled in.
LIFE… LIVE IT
Are firstborns really Smarter?
As if hand-me-downs and the fact that only three baby pictures of you exist, there’s more bad news for younger siblings: A new study suggests that firstborns may have gotten favored status in the brains department as well. Tiffany L. Frank, a doctoral candidate at Adelphi University, recently led a study that suggested birth order makes a difference when it comes to brains and personality. Eldest siblings have higher aptitude and overall ranked intelligence, potentially because they received more attention from their parents, earlier. But there’s an upside for younger siblings – the research found that they’re generally more outgoing and competitive, with higher overall GPAs. The reason? In theory, having received assistance from older siblings and a need to compete for parents’ love and attention. Does this mean our parents have been lying to us every day when they say they love us all “equally”?
JUST FOR FUN
YOU KNOW YOU ARE A TRUE (Illinoisan) WHEN:
- Vacation means going north or south on I-55 for the weekend.
- You measure distance in hours.
- You know several people who have hit a deer more than once.
- You often switch from heat to AC and back again on the same day.
- You can drive 65 mph through 2 feet of snow during a raging blizzard, without flinching.
- You carry jumper cables in your car and your girlfriend knows how to use them.
- You design your homecoming dress to fit over a snowsuit.
- You think driving is better in the winter because the potholes are filled with snow.
- You know all 5 seasons: “almost winter”, “winter”, “still winter”, “road construction” and “It’s Hot”.
- Your idea of creative landscaping is a statue of a deer next to your blue spruce.
- “Down south” means Missouri to you.
- You have more miles on your snow blower than your car.
- You find 0 degrees a “little chilly”.
- You actually understand these jokes, and you forward them to all your Illinois friends.
Kids say the funniest things. Some grade school teachers must agree with that, because they keep journals of amusing things their students have written in papers. Here are a few examples:
- The future of “I give” is “I take.”
- The inhabitants of Moscow are called Mosquitoes.
- (Define H2O and CO2.) H2O is hot water and CO2 is cold water.
- The general direction of the Alps is straight up.
- A city purifies its water supply by filtering the water then forcing it through an aviator.
- Most of the houses in France are made of plaster of Paris.
- The people who followed the Lord were called the 12 opossums.
- The spinal column is a long bunch of bones. The head sits on the top and you sit on the bottom.
- We do not raise silk worms in the United States, because we get our silk from rayon. He is a larger worm and gives more silk.
- One of the main causes of dust is janitors.
- One by-product of raising cattle is calves.
- To prevent head colds, use an agonizer to spray into the nose until it drips into the throat.
MORE SHOW PREP STUFF…
THAT’S USING YOUR HEAD
A British woman says she has cured her chronic fatigue by resorting to do-it-yourself brain surgery and drilling a hole in her own head. Heather Perry, 29, performed the ancient technique of “trepanning” the cutting away a section of the scalp and drilling into the skull, to overcome myalgic encephalomyelitis, or ME, which leaves sufferers feeling permanently exhausted. Perry’s bid to rid herself of the inflammation of her brain and spinal cord, by drilling a two-centimeter hole to allow blood to flow more easily around the brain, almost went wrong when she drilled too far and penetrated a membrane protecting her brain tissue. British doctors had refused to help Perry with the ancient procedure, so she flew to the U.S. where she was given medical advice and then did it herself. Perry performed the operation under local anesthetic in front of a mirror and a camera crew. Trepanning was widely used in the Middle Ages to treat severe headaches and madness in the belief it would release evil spirits from the possessed. ***MARLAR: Doctors said, “You need this kind of surgery like I need a hole in the head.”
OTHER STUFF I WANT TO CRAM INTO TODAY’S PREP
Starbucks says you’ll never wait in line again. The mega coffee chain is rolling out its mobile app feature called Mobile Order and Pay nationwide, allowing its customers the ability to preorder and pay for food and beverages before they get to the store, bypassing the line completely. Although the app had a soft launch in Portland in December and other areas of the country earlier this summer, it is now available at more than 7,400 stores in the United States. ***Although I personally won’t be happy until they also offer free delivery.
Tillie the dog is being hailed as a hero for watching over his canine best friend, Phoebe, for a whole week after the two strayed from home and Phoebe fell into a cistern. According to the dogs’ rescuer and owner, the two dogs escaped from their home in Vashon, Washington, when the front door was left ajar on Sept. 7. The ABC News report says The “duo” was lost for a week before a community member reported seeing one of the dogs. An investigation of the area discovered Phoebe stuck in a cistern and Tillie standing just above the cistern watching guard over Phoebe. The dogs were starving and exhausted but otherwise in good health.
Teens who drink energy drinks a lot are more likely to get head injuries than those who don’t consume the highly caffeinated beverages. A new study from Canada found teens who had consumed energy drinks in the past week have increased odds of having a traumatic brain injury. The chance was five times greater than it was for teens who didn’t consume energy drinks at all.
AND I LEAVE YOU WITH THIS THOUGHT
“My Uncle Pat, he reads the obituaries in the paper every morning. And he can’t understand how people always die in alphabetical order.” –Hal Roach
THE WAY WE WORK
(Updated as it comes available. The Way WE Work is written by Mark Elfstrand from 1160Hope.com in Chicago.)
Today is September 21st. Peace Day. More on that in a moment. But to answer the famous question, “Can’t we all just get along?” The answer is no.
Take this recent story headline from Associated Press: “Burger King to McDonalds: Let’s make a McWhopper.” Full page ads in various newspapers carried the message. A one day truce it was called. For the betterment of mankind, of course.
Burger King was attempting to get a cooperative effort with the “Golden Arches” folk to build a unique combination of a Whopper and a Big Mac. But only for a day. Peace Day.
As the AP story goes, “Burger King is tying the publicity stunt to a nonprofit called Peace One Day, which says it promotes Peace Day. The United Nations created the International Day of Peace in 1981 to coincide with its annual opening session in September. It then designated September 21 as the annual ‘day of non-violence and cease-fire’ in 2001.”
Call it a noble act. Call it promotional gimmickry. Ronald McDonald is not interested in such peace efforts. Ronald may smile at the kids, but not at the competition. Their CEO Steve Easterbrook in responding with a “no way” message, belittled the effort of burger war peace compared to “the real pain and suffering of war.” He then added, “P.S., simple phone call will do next time.” Put that in your Whopper and chew on it for a while. C’mon, man!
Well, I’m in a different kind of battle with the fast food giants. One that pleads for simple, friendly customer service and the basics in operating a restaurant. Allow me to share several examples.
At the McDonald’s I frequently stop at on my way home when my wife is out, most employees give me no welcome greeting. When I pick up my food, no “thank you.” At the Wendy’s near my office, the ketchup containers have been empty twice during the lunch hours I visited. And they were out of napkins. Hello…it’s lunch time. At Culver’s drive through, my last three meals came with no napkins. And the latest: on Friday night, my wife had a hankering for KFC grilled chicken. It was during the dinner hours but none was available. They were cooking it. Instead of serving it.
One of my favorites on this list happened a week or so ago taking our granddaughter to IKEA. They served up chicken fingers which yearned for barbecue sauce. Except…there wasn’t any. Inquiring at the counter I was told they’ve been out for a few days. My problem solving went into gear and I suggested that since a Meijer grocery story was two blocks away, maybe they could simply go and buy some until their shipment arrived so as not to disappoint customers. The young woman thought that was a good idea.
Aside from the expected reaction that “Mark, fast food isn’t very good for you anyway” I wish to affirm two companies who seem to get it right the majority of the time. One is Chick Fil A. Their folks go out of their way to make sure I have what I need. And the tireless service motto that they own is, “My pleasure.”
The second high energy, high service minded company is In-N-Out Burger. Mainly located in California, they are a fan favorite and outperform their competitors in serving up burgers and fries. They also are the ones who imprint Bible verse references on their cups and fry containers.
And so it begs the question…how can these two companies do it right so consistently? I believe it is based on a passion for the customer. Yes, you have to have food that people enjoy. All of the fast food companies lay claim to that. But not all can lay claim to placing such emphasis on customer care.
For the record, my father managed several different Perkins restaurants during my growing up years. I worked in all but one. At peak times, customer care can be a real challenge. If it’s your mission, however, you finesse it as needed.
I believe most people want to be treated well. They enjoy being respected when spending their hard earned money for a meal. They respond to people who care.
Jesus of Nazareth advised us this way, “In everything, therefore, treat people the same way you want them to treat you, for this is the Law and the Prophets.” (Luke 7:12 NASB)
Do this, Ronald McDonald, and everyone will enjoy a happy meal.
P.S.: My apologies to any franchise owners or managers who want their employees to serve better.
That’s The Way WE Work.
THE TICKET Movie Reviews with MARIE ASNER
Marie Asner has been reviewing films for over 30 years. Her outlets include radio, print and Internet. For more in-depth movie reviews of the following films, visit www.Tollbooth.org. Ratings from 1 (Low) to 5 (High).
SEPTEMBER 25, 2015…
99 Homes (opening in select cities)–Andrew Garfield is a single Dad and gets chased out of his home because of non-payment. In order to get money, he is hired by a real estate man (Michael Shannon) who doesn’t care how he gets the money owed. Sad situations. Also in the cast is Laura Dern. “99 Homes” is rated R. No rating.
Hotel Transylvania 2—In this animated comedy, the story continues from the first film where a hotel was run for monsters to come and relax. Count Dracula has a daughter and she married and now has a son, the Count’s grandson. Who does the child resemble, the Count (with fangs) or the humans (no fangs). With others monsters about to help (and scare) the Count tries to baby-sit in his dubious way. Adam Sandler is the voice of the Count. “Hotel Transylvania 2” is rated PG. Rating of 3 for fans.
Mississippi Grind—Anything to earn money, that is what happens to Ryan Reynolds and Ben Mendelsohn when they have to gamble on a modern day Mississippi riverboat to get funds. Win some, lose a lot. “Mississippi Grind” is rated R. No rating.
Stonewall (opening in select cities)—This Stonewall refers to the riots of 1969 around the Stonewall Inn in Greenwich Village. Those were unsettling times (something like today) and concern gay rights. The film stars Jeremy Irvine and is directed by Roland Emmerich. “Stonewall” is rated R. No rating.
The Intern—Robert DeNiro is retired and wants to do something interesting, so he applies for a job as a business “intern,” to learn the ropes. Robert dresses in a suit, tie, manners and doesn’t look the part of your usual intern, namely casual clothing. Enter Anne Hathaway who heads a fashion business and is looking for assistance. When the two meet, well, you can guess the surprise in this tongue-in-cheek comedy about ages. “The Intern” is rated PG 13. Rating of 3 for fans.
SEPTEMBER 30, 2015…
The Walk is a harrowing film starring Joseph Gordon-Levitt as French street performer Philippe Petit who walked between the Twin Trade Towers on a wire (tightrope).
OCTOBER 02, 2015…
Freeheld (opening in select cities) Julianne Moore and Ellen Page is about a romance between a woman and a younger woman and what happens when one is ill.
Legend has Emily Browning and Tom Hardy married, though he is a criminal.
The Martian stars Matt Damon as a man thought dead and left behind on Mars. Except he is alive.
*Sicario starring Emily Blunt is now opening Oct. 2
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