September 27, 2016: Tuesday ONAIRprep

***DAILY DOSE OF WEIRD NEWS – FREE TO AIR! (Need to receive this earlier than when it’s posted? Get FTP access and receive a fully-produced version FREE with a customized tag specifically for your station or show! Contact me with your ONAIRprep username for details!)

AND NOW… ON WITH THE SHOW!

PRINTER FRIENDLY VERSION: 20160927

WELCOME TO THE SHOW!

I don’t feel that great this morning. We went out for Tex-Mex last night – I’m thinking I should have skipped the guacamole sundae.

BIBLE VERSE OF THE DAY

“He who is slow to anger is better than the mighty, and he who rules his spirit than he who takes a city.” –Proverbs 16:32

Do not withhold good from those who deserve it, when it is in your power to act. –Proverbs 3:27

We know him who said, “It is mine to avenge; I will repay,” and again, “The Lord will judge his people.” It is a dreadful thing to fall into the hands of the living God. — Hebrews 10:30-31

HEARTLIGHT DAILY VERSE, PRAYER & THOUGHT

(From VerseOfTheDay.com)

The fear of the LORD is the beginning of wisdom, and knowledge of the Holy One is understanding. — Proverbs 9:10

Thought: There are many fields of academic pursuit that are noble and beneficial, but true wisdom and the highest understanding can be found in only one place — a reverential knowledge of God!

Prayer: Lord God, Holy Savior of Israel and my Abba Father, thank you for the grace of prayer. Thank you for your steadfastness and faithfulness. Thank you for your mercy and justice. I place my life and my future in your hands to be used for you glory. In Jesus’ name I pray. Amen.

The Thoughts and Prayers for Today’s Verse are written by Phil Ware. You can email questions or comments to phil@heartlight.org.

BIRTHDAY VERSE” OF THE DAY

The chapter and verse corresponds to the month and the day!

Nehemiah 9:27 NIV = So you handed them over to their enemies, who oppressed them. But when they were oppressed they cried out to you. From heaven you heard them, and in your great compassion you gave them deliverers, who rescued them from the hand of their enemies.

TODAY IS TUESDAY – SEPTEMBER 27, 2016

(NOTE: Some holidays may be duplicated due to various calendars reporting conflicting dates)
WEIRD, WACKY, STRANGE, ZANY, ODD, BIZARRE, QUIRKY, UNUSUAL HOLIDAYS!
THERE ARE ONLY
94 SHOPPING DAYS UNTIL CHRISTMAS.

Today is FIRE PREVENTION DAY, the anniversary of the Great Chicago Fire in 1871, when legend says Mrs. O’Leary’s cow kicked over a lantern. Over 98,000 people were left homeless by the fire.

PERMANENT WAVE DAY. In 1906, hairdresser Karl Nessler introduced the “permanent wave” at his salon in London.  ***MARLAR: Today it’s usually called simply a “permanent” – while a permanent wave is reserved for beauty queens in Thanksgiving parades.

Today is LOVABLE LAWYERS DAY. ***MARLAR: It’s one of those holidays that expect you to believe in beings that don’t really exist.

TODAY IS ALSO. . .

Ancestor Appreciation Day

Google’s Birthday

National Voter Registration Day

National Women Road Warrior Day

World Tourism Day

COMING UP NEXT

WEDNESDAY, SEPTEMBER 28

Banned Websites Awareness Day

Fish Tank Floorshow Night

National Drink Beer Day

National Good Neighbor Day

International Right To Know Day

World Rabies Day

National Women’s Health & Fitness Day

THURSDAY, SEPTEMBER 29

MAGS Day

Mutation Day

National Biscotti Day

National Attend Your Grandchild’s Birth Day

International Coffee Day

VFW Day

World Heart Day

FRIDAY, SEPTEMBER 30

Ask a Stupid Question Day

Blasphemy Day

Hug a Vegetarian Day

International Translation Day

National Mulled Cider Day

Save The Koala Day

Support Purple For Platelets Day

Vegan Baking Day

SATURDAY, OCTOBER 01

CD Player Day

Cephalopod Awareness Day

Fire Pup Day

Frugal Fun Day

International Day of Older Persons

Inter-American Water Day

International Music Day

Model T Day

National Book It! Day

National Lace Day

National Walk your Dog Day

Vegan Baking Day

World Card Making Day

World Vegetarian Day

SUNDAY, OCTOBER 02

Change a Light Day

Country Inn Bed & Breakfast Day

Guardian Angels Day

Intergeneration Day

International African Diaspora Day

International Blessings of the Fishing Fleet Day

International Day of Non-Violence

Islamic New Year

National Custodial Workers Day

Phileas Fogg’s Wager Day

Rosh Hashanah

World Communion Day

World Farm Animals Day

MONDAY, OCTOBER 03

Child Health Day

Day of Unity

Techie’s Day

World Day of Architecture

World Day of Bullying Prevention (Blue Shirt Day)

World Habitat Day

TUESDAY, OCTOBER 04

Blessing of the Animals Day (Blessing of the Pets Day / World Pet Day)

Improve Your Office Day

Kanelbullens Day (Cinnamon Roll Day)

National Taco Day

National Ship In a Bottle Day

Ten-Four Day

Vodka Day

World Animal Day

ON THIS DAY

1960: In his last major-league at bat, Red Sox legend Ted Williams hit a 420-foot home run.

1968: Anson, Texas, secretary Jeannie C. Riley hit #1 on the Billboard Country Music Chart with “Harper Valley P.T.A.” The Tom T. Hall song became the top single of 1968.

1988: The U.S. issued a patent (#4,777,680) to Lirida Paz of Elizabeth, New Jersey, for the Musical Potty Chair, a device that automatically plays music when a child-trainee successfully utilizes it.  ***MARLAR: It never really caught on though, as children became conditioned to it, and would suddenly need to use the bathroom every time someone turned on the radio.

1991: A llama conference in Hagerstown, Maryland, included a seminar entitled “Till Death Us Do Part,” offering tips on how to handle the loss of a beloved llama. More than 200 llama lovers attended the conference.

1991: Ropin’ the Wind by Garth Brooks became the first country music album to debut at #1 on Billboard’s pop album chart.

1996: During their wedding at Spokane’s First Presbyterian Church, Craig and Jill Looper’s vow-sealing kiss set off the fire alarm. Or maybe it was an electrical problem. None of the 350 guests was injured, but the wedding cake was ruined. The couple signed their license on the hood of a fire truck.

1996: Baltimore Oriole Roberto Alomar was suspended five games for spitting in the face of umpire John Hirschbeck during an argument over a called third strike.

1999: The so-called “Iron Police Chief” known for commanding Albania’s toughest local police force was ordered back to school for failing a Police Academy exam. Chief Edmond Koseni said he’d been too busy cleaning up Elbasan to cram for the test.

TODAY IN CHRISTIAN HISTORY

1704: A statute was enacted by the colony of Maryland, giving ministers the right to impose divorce on “unholy couples.”

1774: Anglican clergyman and hymn writer John Newton wrote in a letter: ‘We are always equally in danger in ourselves and always equally safe under the shadow of His wings.’

1808: Andover Theological Seminary first opened in Massachusetts, under sponsorship of the Congregational Church.

1895: At a convention in Atlanta, three Baptist groups merged to form the National Baptist Convention. It is today the largest African-American denomination in America and the world.

1934: The first issue of “The Sword of the Lord” was published. Founded by Baptist evangelist John R. Rice, 39, it became the largest independent Christian weekly for years, and was recognized by liberals as the “voice of fundamentalism.”

HOLLYWOOD, SPORTS AND CELEBRITY FIGURE BIRTHDAYS

  • actress/comedienne (“SNL,” Mystery Men, The Truth About Cats & Dogs) Janeane Garofalo 52

  • Singer/actor (The Hardy Boys) Shaun Cassidy, 58

    actor (The Firm, Cocoon) Wilford Brimley 82

BEE-BOP BIRTHDAYS

(Music Artist Birthdays From SongFacts.com)

1898 : Vincent Youmans

1941 : Don Nix (Booker T. & The MGs)

1944 : Randy Bachman (The Guess Who, Bachman-Turner Overdrive)

1947 : Meat Loaf; Born Marvin Lee Aday

1952 : Robbie Shakespeare

1953 : Greg Ham (Men At Work)

1958 : Shaun Cassidy

1966 : Stephan Jenkins (Third Eye Blind)

1970 : Mark Calderon (Color Me Badd)

1982 : Lil Wayne

1984 : Avril Lavigne

SECRETS OF THE UNIVERSE

Why do we call it a piggy bank? What ever made us decide that a ceramic pig was the perfect thing to store our money in anyway?

Dogs bury bones. Squirrels gather nuts to last through the winter. Camels store food and water so they can travel many days across deserts. But do pigs save anything? Pigs store nothing. They bury nothing. They store nothing. So why do we save our coins in a piggy bank? Because someone made a mistake. During The Middle Ages, in about the fifteenth century, metal was expensive and seldom used for household wares. Instead, dishes and pots were made of an economical clay called pygg. Whenever housewives could save an extra coin, they dropped it into one of their clay jars. They called this their pygg bank or their piggy bank. Over the next two hundred to three hundred years, people forgot that “pygg” referred to the earthenware material. In the nineteenth century when English potters received requests for piggy banks, they produced banks shaped like a pig. Of course, the pigs appealed to the customers and delighted the children.

CHRISTIAN ARTIST NEWS

This is just a tiny sample of the 5-6 pages of material you could be receiving three days a week from ChristianRadioShowPrepServices.com!

Audio Adrenaline weren’t going to let a little thing like transportation troubles keep them from their concert. Frontman Adam Agee posted over the weekend that they had a broken fan belt and a blown trailer tire but he said it wasn’t going to stop them for making it to their concert in Oklahoma.

Casting Crowns Megan Garrett and Chris Huffman were both at the same concert but their favorite memories of the show vary widely. Following the Casting Crowns stop in Phoenix, Arizona Megan posted: My favorite part…The guy in the back head banging while I tenderly sang “Just Another Birthday”. At the same time, Chris posted: Great times today in Phoenix! A married couple started slow dancing in front of me during Broken Together. Seriously, that was a cool moment for me during the show tonight. I was tearing up watching them during that song.

After a stop at Chipotle, Tenth Avenue North guitarist Ruben Juarez said that texting while driving wasn’t the issue. He said his problem was fighting the urge to dip chips and guacamole while driving.

A big night for Selah over the weekend. Todd Smith posted: Tonight Selah gets to mark off a big bucket list item! Singing at the Grand Ole Opry for the first time in our 20 year career!

A new project from Phil Wickham is coming soon. Phil recently announced that Children Of God – Acoustic Sessions is in the works. He says the project will include solo versions of all the songs from the record plus some new ones recorded live in a single take.

Kutless member James Mead and his son hosted four boys for a sleepover this weekend. James posted: only one broken lamp. Not bad.

Danny Gokey is admitting defeat, kind of. Danny and his wife Layicet had a coloring contest on Instagram over the weekend and Layicet “crushed” Danny. See their pictures at https://www.instagram.com/p/BKwm3qajZPM/.

The Switchfoot song Float was featured at part of ABC’s evening college football game over the weekend. The song was part of the UCLA/Stanford game.

An observation from Cloverton’s Lance Stafford: Literally EVERYTHING looks like a snake when you find two snake skins in your garage.

Mercyme’s Mike Scheuchzer might have just made a big mistake. He posted a short video show his kids having a great time with a drum set in his living room and said…what have I done???? https://www.instagram.com/p/BKtFtXvjSG3/

NEWS KICKERS

(No news on the weekends. As on ONAIRprep subscriber, you can get a fully-produced, customized version of the Daily Dose of Weird News FREE with a station or show specific tag! Email darren@onairprep.com for details!)

NEW NEWS KICKERS…

I envy people in Minnesota, Vermont, Virginia, and South Dakota.  Earl voting begins for these states this coming Friday.  ***Meaning they can get this whole presidential election thing over with and not have to worry about watching the rest of the debates or arguing with friends on Facebook.

A new campaign by Feeding America and the dairy company Land O’Lakes may drastically reduce the amount of pictures of food you see on your Instagram feed. According to Relevant Magazine, The Delete to Feed campaign wants to “turn your food posts into real meals” for the millions of Americans who go hungry every year. As they explain, “Instagram is full of food posts, but millions of Americans go hungry each year … Let’s delete hunger one photo at a time.” The way it works is, you connect your Instagram to the website, choose the food pictures and then delete them. For each deleted picture, Land O’Lakes will donate 11 meals to people in need. The goal is 2.75 million meals donated.  ***Wait a minute… you have the capability of donating meals just because I delete a photo?  How does this miraculous financial magic work?  Money suddenly shoots out of your computer every time someone deletes a food photo?  Or do you already have the ability to donate this food, but you’re holding back from feeding these starving children so you can create a promotion to make your organization look good?  What’s the case here, Feeding America, hmm?

Burglars broke into the training facilities of a Cyprus soccer team and made off with 70 pairs of cleats — every shoe the team owned — from the locker room. ***The team managers said it was a SOLE-less crime, and the culprits are real HEELS.

Karl Smith has taken the witness stand in a Cook County, Illinois court and confessed to a murder that his twin brother has been in jail for since 2003. Smith claims a recent religious conversion led him to the confession that he previously never had the strength to admit. Problem is prosecutors say it’s a little too convenient. It seems Mr. Smith also just exhausted his own final appeal for a 99-year prison sentence for a 2008 home invasion so prosecutors say he’s got nothing to lose by confessing. Meanwhile, his confession doesn’t exactly jive with eyewitness accounts of the crime. Family members admit both brothers went by the street name “Twin” and dressed alike and often pretended to be each other. A judge will decide if his brother will get a new trial. His mother says, “He wouldn’t lie about that.”  *** “Murder and robbery, sure… but my boy would never LIE!”

NEWS KICKER EVERGREENS…

Even worse than Facebook, the worse thing for your relationship is lack of sleep. A study suggests that lack of sleep tends to prioritize ourselves over our partner and become complete jerks. We forget the little things, like saying “thank you.” The study, out of UC Berkeley, found that if “you slept like a baby, but your partner didn’t, you’ll probably both end up grouchy.”  ***MARLAR: At my house I just tell Mrs. Cranky Pants that she needs a nappy-poo.

Motorists who use cell phones while driving are more likely to engage in additional dangerous behaviors such as speeding, driving drowsy, driving without a safety belt and sending texts or emails, according to a survey conducted by the AAA Foundation for Traffic Safety. Additionally, more than two-thirds (69 percent) of licensed drivers reported talking on a cell phone while driving within the last month despite the fact that nearly nine-in-ten respondents (89 percent) believe other drivers using cell phones are a threat to their personal safety.  ***MARLAR: In other words, “when I use my cell phone while driving, I’m careful and cautious –but when others do it they are complete morons and should be banned from being behind the wheel of anything that goes faster than a Big Wheel.”

The CDC would like to remind us that kissing our pet chickens can spread salmonella.  *** So brush you teeth before you kiss them so they don’t catch it from you.

Two recent studies show Facebook can make you feel socially isolated and miserable because seeing friends’ happy pictures triggers feelings of envy. One in three people feel worse after visiting the site and their ‘general dissatisfaction’ with life decreases. Positive images of friends enjoying holidays, commenting on their happy lives or simply posting pet pictures were enough to trigger feelings of jealousy.  ***MARLAR: And that’s exactly why I POKE those people.

WONDER WOMAN

CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD TODAY’S EPISODE… “Before Sliced Bread”

DAILY COMEDY CLIP

CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD TODAY’S EPISODE… Michelle Krajecki, “Sensible Shoes”

AS THE JUNGLE TURNS – WEEKDAY VERSION

CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD TUESDAY’S EPISODE


OPEN: And now, FancyMonkey.com, (Show Name), and (Station Call Letters) bring you As the Jungle Turns! Last time, all of the animals were trying to sell all of their belongings to move out of the jungle and get away from a giant-footed monster, but they all bought other people’s belongings… all except Racquet the Skunk. He’s just giving stuff away! For FREE! Why do you think that is?

CLOSE: Could that be it? Could the giant-footed creature really just be a huge practical joke? Is there really no danger at all? Find out next time, As the Jungle Turns!

AS THE JUNGLE TURNS – SATURDAY/SUNDAY VERSION

CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD THE EPISODE FOR THE WEEKEND OF OCTOBER 01/02

OPEN: And now, FancyMonkey.com, (Show Name), and (Station Call Letters) bring you As the Jungle Turns! Last time, the jungle animals were terrified and began to panic after coming across something they’d never seen before in the jungle – they found five giant footprints to a terrible, awful, disgusting, ugly, smelly, terrifying creature! Maybe. Unfortunately, nobody’s really seen the creature itself.

CLOSE: Maybe Nozzles is right… we really don’t know what made the footprints – or even if they’re real! Right now we’re just scared of stuff we’re imagining! Just imagine what will happen next… As the Jungle Turns!

***You may simulcast “As the Jungle Turns” on the Internet stream of your live broadcast only. Any other Internet use of “As the Jungle Turns” in whole or part including podcasting of your live broadcast is a violation of copyright law. Thank you for your cooperation on this vitally important issue. If you have any questions, please e-mail us and ask about “Jungle Jam & Friends the Radio Show” usage.

MOMENT OF DUH

Want to find out how a restaurant handles complaints? One college professor found out… the hard way!
A Columbia University business school professor put 240 New York City restaurants into a panic by sending all 240 a letter, on Columbia University stationary, falsely claiming he had gotten food poisoning by eating at their restaurant. He said he suffered ”extended nausea, vomiting, diarrhea and abdominal cramps” from a meal eaten with his wife during their wedding anniversary. Why did he do this? He wanted to study how they handle complaints. Now he has learned how they handle complaints about him. For after combing through their charge records and reservation records, many came to finally realize it was a hoax, and the school received numerous complaints about the letter. Columbia University apologized to all the restaurants for the ”egregious error in judgment by a junior faculty member” that was ”part of an ill-conceived research project.” The professor’s future at the University, they say, is unclear at the moment.

TOP TEN

TOP TEN THINGS YOU DON’T WANT TO HEAR WHILE IN SURGERY

10. Better save that. We’ll need it for the autopsy.

9. Bo! Bo! Come back with that. Bad dog!

8. Wait a minute, if this is his spleen, then what’s that?

7. Oops! Hey, has anyone ever survived from 500 ml of this stuff before?

6. “Ya know, there’s big money in kidneys -and this guy’s got two of ’em.”

5. Could you stop that thing from beating; it’s throwing off my concentration.

4. That’s cool. Now can you make his leg twitch by pressing that one?!

3. OK, now take a picture from this angle. This is truly a freak of nature.

2. Don’t worry. I think it is sharp enough.

1. Oh no! Page 47 of the manual is missing!

THE FILES OF LAW & DISORDER

Pretending to be someone else doesn’t help one criminal.

FILE#1: In Yantis, Texas, Jesse Turner was burglarizing a home when the brother of the homeowner drove by and noticed the front door was open and an unfamiliar car was in the driveway. When he stopped, Jesse came to the door and pretended to be a friend of the family. Knowing that wasn’t true, the man acted like he thought Jesse was his sister’s new boyfriend and said he wanted to meet him, offering to shake his hand. When Jesse came over to him, he grabbed his hand, twisted it behind his back and held him down until a neighbor came over and helped out by giving him some rope to tie him up.

FILE #2: A hungry criminal broke into a bakery and found some cakes that were to his liking. So much to his liking that he ate 42 of them. Maybe he should have stopped at 41 because he suffered such severe indigestion that he couldn’t even move. Security guards heard moaning coming from the kitchen and called the cops who arrested our overeating idiot criminal.

FILE #3: A San Francisco man recently jogged into the Geary Street Safeway grocery store at a brisk pace. The man jogged around the store grabbing a canned ham, and several other items. Without breaking pace, the man shot through an unoccupied checkout line and jogged out the door. With the checkout clerk and several other bag boys in pursuit, the jogger ran across nearby Webster Street. He looked back over his shoulder shouting, “You’ll never catch me!” And at that very instant, a car hit him! He was rushed to a nearby hospital and treated for only minor injuries.

STRANGE LAW: In Massachusetts, state legislation forbids dueling with water pistols.

THIS IS YOUR BRAIN ON DRUGS

For a criminal, Jose Antonios Campos-Cloute chose a strange time to be honest.
While trying to smuggle drugs into Australia, Jose had a momentary lapse of honest behavior while filling out the in-flight customs card while on the plane. He inexplicably admitted “yes” to carrying prohibited goods. The 53-year-old Spanish man answered “no” to every question on his customs card – except the one that asked if he was bringing into Australia anything banned, such as illicit drugs. He pled guilty to one charge of importing a prohibited substance.

PHONER PHUN

Do you still have your teddy bear? Do you still sleep with it? How old is “too old” to sleep with a teddy bear? (A recent survey showed that 1 in 5 single adult men still sleep with a teddy bear!)

BIBLE BRAIN BUSTER!

QUESTION: In Exodus what does the Bible say manna tasted like?

ANSWER: Wafers with honey (Exodus 16:31)

QUESTION IMPOSSIBLE

QUESTION: It has 87 diamonds and has been owned by more people than any piece of jewelry.  What is it?
ANSWER: A deck of cards

TRUE OR FALSE

Pay attention! If our next player doesn’t answer all ten T/F questions correctly we start all over from question #1! First person to answer question #10 correctly is our winner!

1. Ketchup originated in China. (True)

2. Bowling premiered as a full-medal Olympic sport at the 1992 Olympic Games in Barcelona. (False – that was badminton.)

3. There are 691 drinking fountains in the Pentagon. (True)

4. The first major league baseball game played at night was at Wrigley Field on May 25th, 1935. (False. It was May 25th, 1935 – but at Cincinnati’s Crosley Field, not Wrigley Field in Chicago)

5. The Apollo 13 crew were the last men on the moon. (False – it as Apollo 17, and Apollo 13 never made it to the moon)

6. In 1984, San Diego Padre Steve Garvey became the first “first baseman” to finish the season with a perfect fielding average. (True)

7. The peak season for raspberry production is July to September. (True)

8. There are 24 properties that can be built upon in the game of Monopoly. (False, there are only 22)

9. Caterpillars have around 2000 muscles in their body. (True)

10. The king of diamonds on playing cards is the only king without a moustache. (False – that would be the king of diamonds)

TABLOID MATCH GAME

You have to match the blank in the tabloid headline with the word or phrase that has been removed!

(NONE TODAY, SORRY.)

THE WAY TOO EARLY IN THE MORNING TO UNDERSTAND THE PUNCHLINE EVEN AFTER TWO CUPS OF COFFEE JOKE OF THE DAY 

JOKE #1

The little old couple walked slowly into McDonald’s on a cold winter evening. They looked out of place amid the young families and young couples. Some of the customers looked admiringly at them.
You could tell what the admirers were thinking.
“Look, there is a couple who has been through a lot together, probably for 60 years or more!”
The little old man walked right up to the cash register, placed his order with no hesitation and then paid for their meal. The couple took a table near the back wall and started taking food off of the tray. There was one hamburger, one order of french fries and one drink.
The little old man unwrapped the plain hamburger and carefully cut it in half. He placed one half in front of his wife. Then he carefully counted out the french fries, divided them in two piles and neatly placed one pile in front of his wife. He took a sip of the drink, his wife took a sip and then set the cup down between them.
As the man began to eat his few bites of hamburger, the crowd began to get restless. Again you could tell what they were thinking.
“That poor old couple. All they can afford is one meal for the two of them.”
As the man began to eat his french fries one young man stood and came over to the old couple’s table. He politely offered to buy another meal for the old couple to eat. The old man replied that they were just fine. They were used to sharing everything.
Then the crowd noticed that the little old lady hadn’t eaten a bite. She just sat there watching her husband eat and occasionally taking turns sipping the drink. Again the young man came over and begged them to let him buy them something to eat. The man again explained that no, they were used to sharing everything together.
As the little old man finished eating and was wiping his face neatly with a napkin, the young man could stand it no longer. Again he came over to their table and offered to buy some food. After being politely refused again, he finally asked a question of the little old lady.
“Ma’am, why aren’t you eating? You said that you share everything. What is it that you are waiting for?”
She answered, “I’m waiting for him to finish with the false teeth.”

JOKE #2

Little Emily, the minister’s daughter, ran into the house, crying as though her heart would break.

“What’s wrong, dear?” asked the pastor.

“My doll! Billy broke it!” she sobbed.

“How did he break it, Emily?”

“I hit him over the head with it.”

JOKE #3

At the airport for a business trip, I settled down to wait for the boarding announcement at Gate 35. Then I heard the voice on the public address system saying, “We apologize for the inconvenience, but Delta Flight 570 will board from Gate 41.”

So my family picked up our luggage and carried it over to Gate 41. Not ten minutes later the public address voice told us that Flight 570 would in fact be boarding from Gate 35.

So again we gathered our carry-on luggage and returned to the original gate. Just as we were settling down, the public address voice spoke again: “Thank you for participating in Delta’s physical fitness program.”

USELESS FACTS

On average people fear spiders more than they do death. ***MARLAR: Which kind of makes sense.  After all, when was the last time you heard of the Grim Reaper getting in someone’s hair?

Charles Dickens wrote (and slept) facing north, aligning himself with the poles of the earth. ***MARLAR: Who knew Charles Dickens was Polish?

FEATURED FUNNIES

MY KNEE HURTS
An old man limped into the doctor’s office and said, “Doctor, my knee hurts so bad, I can hardly walk!”
The doctor slowly eyed him from head to toe, paused and then said, “Sir, how old are you?”
“I’m 98,” the man announced proudly.
The doctor just sighed, and looked at him again. Finally he said, “Sir, I’m sorry. I mean, just look at you. You are almost one hundred years old, and you’re complaining that your knee hurts?
Well, what did you expect?”
The old man said, “Well, my other knee is 98 years old too, and it doesn’t hurt!”

IT MUST BE TRUE BECAUSE I HEARD IT ON THE RADIO!

Can you take a tax deduction for your child if your child has been kidnapped?
U.S. tax law allows for deductions and credits for parents with children. But the parents of a child who was kidnapped were not sure what to do on last year’s taxes, so they asked the Internal Revenue Service for guidance. They noted they still hold out hope that their child is alive, and are maintaining the child’s bedroom and spending money on a search. The IRS has told the unidentified couple that yes; they may take a deduction for the child — but only in the year that the child was abducted. After that, the deduction is denied until the child is returned. The most disturbing element of this story: the fact that the IRS is so focused on taking your money that they’ve even thought in advance about how to get it if your kid is kidnapped.

INSPIRATIONAL INSPIRATION

There was an atheist couple who had a child. The couple never told their daughter anything about the Lord. One night when the little girl was 5 years old, the parents fought with each other and the dad shot the Mom, right in front of the child. Then, the dad shot himself. The little girl watched it all. She then was sent to a foster home. The foster mother was a Christian and took the child to church.

On the first day of Sunday School, the foster mother told the teacher that the girl had never heard of Jesus, and to have patience with her. The teacher held up a picture of Jesus and said, “Does anyone know who this is?”

The little girl said, “I do, that’s the man who was holding me the night my parents died.”

DRIVE TIME DEVOTIONAL

I think that I shall never see
A church that’s all it ought to be;
A church whose members never stray
Beyond the straight and narrow way;
A church whose members always sing
And flock to church when bells ring.
Such perfect churches there may be,
But none of them are known to me.
But still we’ll work and pray and plan
To make our own the best we can.

Remember that God almighty intends for us to fellowship together and build each other up in the body of Christ. Also remember that “iron sharpens iron”.

Not forsaking the assembling of ourselves together, as the manner of some is; but exhorting one another: and so much the more, as ye see the day approaching.” –Hebrews 10:25

LEFTOVERS

SECRET RECIPE
What’s the strangest place you’ve seen someone have a wedding reception? 
Newlyweds Jason and Nina Payne treated their guests to a reception at Kentucky Fried Chicken.  The wedding party tucked into a no-frills breakfast of crispy chicken wings, drumsticks, fries and cola.  Nina said that she and her husband just wanted to do something different.  The groom raised a toast with a fizzy cola and the store manager agreed that it may be the “oddest thing” thing that he’s ever seen.  ***MARLAR: But that was before the cake made of gizzards was rolled in.

LIFE… LIVE IT

Are firstborns really Smarter?

As if hand-me-downs and the fact that only three baby pictures of you exist, there’s more bad news for younger siblings: A new study suggests that firstborns may have gotten favored status in the brains department as well. Tiffany L. Frank, a doctoral candidate at Adelphi University, recently led a study that suggested birth order makes a difference when it comes to brains and personality. Eldest siblings have higher aptitude and overall ranked intelligence, potentially because they received more attention from their parents, earlier. But there’s an upside for younger siblings – the research found that they’re generally more outgoing and competitive, with higher overall GPAs. The reason? In theory, having received assistance from older siblings and a need to compete for parents’ love and attention. Does this mean our parents have been lying to us every day when they say they love us all “equally”?

JUST FOR FUN

YOU KNOW YOU ARE A TRUE (Illinoisan) WHEN:

  • Vacation means going north or south on I-55 for the weekend.

  • You measure distance in hours.

  • You know several people who have hit a deer more than once.

  • You often switch from heat to AC and back again on the same day.

  • You can drive 65 mph through 2 feet of snow during a raging blizzard, without flinching.

  • You carry jumper cables in your car and your girlfriend knows how to use them.

  • You design your homecoming dress to fit over a snowsuit.

  • You think driving is better in the winter because the potholes are filled with snow.

  • You know all 5 seasons: “almost winter”, “winter”, “still winter”, “road construction” and “It’s Hot”.

  • Your idea of creative landscaping is a statue of a deer next to your blue spruce.

  • “Down south” means Missouri to you.

  • You have more miles on your snow blower than your car.

  • You find 0 degrees a “little chilly”.

  • You actually understand these jokes, and you forward them to all your Illinois friends.

FUN LIST

KIDS SAY

Kids say the funniest things. Some grade school teachers must agree with that, because they keep journals of amusing things their students have written in papers. Here are a few examples:

  • The future of “I give” is “I take.”

  • The inhabitants of Moscow are called Mosquitoes.

  • (Define H2O and CO2.) H2O is hot water and CO2 is cold water.

  • The general direction of the Alps is straight up.

  • A city purifies its water supply by filtering the water then forcing it through an aviator.

  • Most of the houses in France are made of plaster of Paris.

  • The people who followed the Lord were called the 12 opossums.

  • The spinal column is a long bunch of bones. The head sits on the top and you sit on the bottom.

  • We do not raise silk worms in the United States, because we get our silk from rayon. He is a larger worm and gives more silk.

  • One of the main causes of dust is janitors.

  • One by-product of raising cattle is calves.

  • To prevent head colds, use an agonizer to spray into the nose until it drips into the throat.

MORE SHOW PREP STUFF…

THAT’S USING YOUR HEAD

A British woman says she has cured her chronic fatigue by resorting to do-it-yourself brain surgery and drilling a hole in her own head. Heather Perry, 29, performed the ancient technique of “trepanning” the cutting away a section of the scalp and drilling into the skull, to overcome myalgic encephalomyelitis, or ME, which leaves sufferers feeling permanently exhausted. Perry’s bid to rid herself of the inflammation of her brain and spinal cord, by drilling a two-centimeter hole to allow blood to flow more easily around the brain, almost went wrong when she drilled too far and penetrated a membrane protecting her brain tissue. British doctors had refused to help Perry with the ancient procedure, so she flew to the U.S. where she was given medical advice and then did it herself. Perry performed the operation under local anesthetic in front of a mirror and a camera crew. Trepanning was widely used in the Middle Ages to treat severe headaches and madness in the belief it would release evil spirits from the possessed.  ***MARLAR: Doctors said, “You need this kind of surgery like I need a hole in the head.”

OTHER STUFF I WANT TO CRAM INTO TODAY’S PREP

Clipping coupons, for most of us, is a way to put money back into our own pockets, but one Virginia woman is using extreme-couponing tactics for the greater good—by buying groceries on the cheap and feeding the homeless. According to Today.com, Lauren Puryear rounds up Sunday-circular coupons, finds coupons online, and enlists friends and family to scour for deals, too. Then, she and fellow volunteers hit the stores, before work, after work, during lunch breaks to get around the caps limits on certain promotions. Once the stockpile of ingredients is ready, they turn out tasty, healthful meals for the local homeless population. They set up tables and serve the dishes right on the street, to any unsheltered people in need of food—often, 100 to 500 people at a time. http://on.today.com/2dh21UN

September 28 is SEE YOU AT THE POLE.  This year’s theme is “We Cry Out; A Generation Seeking Him.”  For the last 25 years, See You at the Pole has been about one simple act—prayer. SYATP is still about students uniting themselves in prayer before God interceding for their generation.  Tomorrow, September 28, at 7:00 a.m. local time, all around the globe, in every time zone, students will be gathering at their flagpoles, praying for their school, friends, families, churches, communities, staff and students of the school, and the local and federal governments.  Learn more at http://syatp.com/.

New research from the University of California at Irvine says if you smile enough, and see yourself doing it, and share it with friends and family, you may actually make yourself happier. In other words – taking selfies can have a positive effect on your well-being. Reporting in the journal Psychology of Well-Being the research team tracked 41 college students’ moods for a week. The kids were divvied into three groups: those asked to take a selfie every day, those asked to take a daily photo of something that normally makes them happy, and those asked to take a daily photo of something they thought someone else would enjoy and send it to that person. By the end of the month everyone reported improved moods but the highest level of happiness came from the selfie takers. They also became more confident while the people who photographed objects that made them happy became more appreciative, and the people who took photos for others became calmer and more connected. ***So take a selfie each morning with your vitamins.

Need to buy a car soon?  Well, this is the month to do so.  (Gee – I sound like a car commercial don’t I?  Sorry.)  Right now is the best time of the year to buy a new car. Car dealers have been dropping prices on their new cars this September, making it the best month for you to make a move on the model you want. They says September is typically a good month to buy a new car because a lot of new models make their debuts in the fall season. Add that to the fact that auto sales have been softer than expected this year and it leaves consumers in the driver’s seat. Officials say the added pressure to sell means more incentives for consumers in the form of 0% financing for qualified buyers, cash back rebates, and bonus cash.  http://yhoo.it/2diap6e

AND I LEAVE YOU WITH THIS THOUGHT

“My Uncle Pat, he reads the obituaries in the paper every morning. And he can’t understand how people always die in alphabetical order.” –Hal Roach

THE TICKET Movie Reviews with MARIE ASNER

Marie Asner has been reviewing films for over 30 years. Her outlets include radio, print and Internet. For more in-depth movie reviews of the following films, visit www.Tollbooth.org. Ratings from 1 (Low) to 5 (High).

SEPTEMBER 23, 2016…

The Magnificent Seven—Here comes another remake of this classic western.  Denzel Washington plays the leader of this group of mercenaries with Chris Pratt as his right hand gun. It is the familiar story of a group of gunslingers who protect a defenseless town from the bad guys. Also in the cast are Ethan Hawke and Haley Bennett. The original film with William Holden came out in 1960 and that was adapted from “Seven Samuari” by Akira Kurosawa. “The Magnificent Seven” is rated R. Rating of 3 for fans.

Storks—In this animated film, what to do when your boss (the Head Stork) decides you shouldn’t deliver babies anymore, but you still have one child left.  Such is the dilemma of Andy Samberg as the lone stork and Kelsey Grammar as his boss. Katie Crown is also in the cast. “Storks” is rated PG. No rating.

The Dressmaker—Rosalie Ham wrote quite a novel about a dressmaker and it is a story of good luck and bad luck. Kate Winslet takes on this role of a woman who has sewing skills and decides to open a dress shop in the far reaches of Australia, thus giving woman there a chance at fashionable attire. Bold move. Also in the cast is Liam Hemsworth. “The Dressmaker” is rated PG 13. Rating of 2 for Kate Winslet fans.

The Hollars—John Krasinski (“The Office”) writes and directs this film about a man going to visit his family and finding they are still as dysfunctional as usual. The cast includes Sharito Copley, Anna Kendrick and Charlie Day. “The Hollars” is rated PG 13. No rating.

Beauty And The Beast—Here is, yet again, another re-telling of the famed story of a handsome man turned into a beast, and trying to find someone to love him so he can turn back. The stars are Vincent Cassel and Lea Seydoux. No music here. “Beauty And The Beast” is rated PG-13. No rating.

Dough (opening in select cities)—Jonathan Pryce (“Game of Thrones”) is the Jewish baker, Nat, who tries to keep his business going by avoiding a greedy real estate developer. When he takes on a young assistant from Dakar (Jerome Holder), things look bright.  Or are they?  Also in the cast is Natasha Gordon.  “Dough” is rated PG 13. Rating of 2 for bread-making fans.

SEPTEMBER 30, 2016…

Miss Peregrine’s Home For Peculiar Children is based on the famous novel (first of several books in the series) about special “gifted” children who are sometimes hunted for their abilities.

Deepwater Horizon and the film concerns the oil spill that was top news for months and months.

Masterminds follows a true story about armored car drivers who want to do a robbery. Stars Kristin Wiig and Owen Wilson.

Denial stars Rachel Weisz in a real life court case about the Holocaust.

(new opening date) Masterminds is about two armored truck drivers, one of which is  Zach Galifianakis. A comedy.

The Queen of Katwa is about a young woman from Uganda who becomes a chess champion. True story.

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WARNING: Don’t believe anything you read on the Internet or email (including stuff you read here) unless you can confirm it with another source, and/or it is consistent with what you already know to be true. The opinions in this publication are not necessarily those of Darren Marlar, Marlar House Entertainment, OnAirPrep.com, or any company or organization affiliated with aforementioned. (Regardless of how stupid you may think those opinions are. So there – nyah!)

Darren Marlar credits all non-original material to the author whenever possible. All other material is original, used with permission, or author unknown. We welcome all comments, questions, and suggestions. Darren can be reached via his website at www.DarrenMarlar.com.