September 29, 2015: Tuesday ONAIRprep

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PRINTER FRIENDLY VERSION: 20150929

 

 

WELCOME TO THE SHOW!

I was planning on not being on the air today.  I was going to use the time to clean up the control room.  But then I got to thinking: if it was clean it might not work.  So here I am.

 

 

BIBLE VERSE OF THE DAY

“Get all the advice and instruction you can, and be wise the rest of your life.” –Proverbs 4:11-12 (NLT)

 

Of what use is money in the hand of a fool, since he has no desire to get wisdom? –Proverbs 17:16

 

You were once darkness, but now you are light in the Lord. — Ephesians 5:8

 

 

HEARTLIGHT DAILY VERSE, PRAYER & THOUGHT

This is what the LORD says to the house of Israel: “Seek me and live; do not seek Bethel, do not go to Gilgal, do not journey to Beersheba.” — Amos 5:4-5

 

Thought: Do you “go to church”? I hope not! Now don’t get me wrong; I’m not advocating you skip worship and fellowship this Sunday! We’re told not to forsake gathering together as believers (Hebrews 10:25). But when we assemble as a body of believers, we’re gathering together for encouragement and meeting with God. We’re not GOING to church; we ARE the church! (The New Testament never used the word church to refer to a building!) God warned his people in Old Testament times that simply going to the places of worship was worthless. Instead, they needed to seek him! I believe that is exactly what God would have us do. And as we seek him together, we get to share fellowship, comfort, and encouragement with each other.

 

Prayer: Holy and loving Father, as I face the struggles of this week, it is comforting to know that I am never away from your love. At the same time, I love those special moments when I meet with other Christians and your presence is powerful and real. I know you are always with us when we gather together, but sometimes my heart or my circumstance or the situations going on in our church family derail my awareness of your presence. This week, dear Father, I pray for our worship assembly to be vibrant and powerful. I pray for your presence to be palpably near. I pray that you will be honored by what my brothers and sisters and I do to encourage each other and praise you. Please use this day to draw us near to you. In Jesus’ name I pray. Amen.

 

The Thoughts and Prayers for Today’s Verse are written by Phil Ware. You can email questions or comments to phil@heartlight.org.

 

 

BIRTHDAY VERSE” OF THE DAY

The chapter and verse corresponds to the month and the day!

Matthew 9:29 NIV = Then he touched their eyes and said, “According to your faith will it be done to you”;

 

 

TODAY IS TUESDAY – SEPTEMBER 29, 2015

(NOTE: Some holidays may be duplicated due to various calendars reporting conflicting dates)
WEIRD, WACKY, STRANGE, ZANY, ODD, BIZARRE, QUIRKY, UNUSUAL HOLIDAYS!
THERE ARE ONLY 87 SHOPPING DAYS UNTIL CHRISTMAS.  

 

Today is MONKEY BARS DAY, a day to go to the park and see if you can still do your old tricks.  ***MARLAR: The only trick I could do on the monkey bars was falling down… I was pretty good at it though.

 

Today is ATTEND YOUR GRANDCHILD’S BIRTHDAY DAY.  ***MARLAR: But then, that only works if your grandchild is being born today, doesn’t it?  Kind of a niche-market for a holiday, don’t you think?

 

Today is MAKE A LIST OF THE TOP TEN HAPPIEST DAYS OF YOUR LIFE DAY. ***MARLAR: Sadly, I couldn’t come up with ten.  I was fine with my life yesterday, but now suddenly I’ve realized that I’m totally miserable and that my life stinks – I can’t even come up with ten happy days.  I am so depressed now. Hope you have a nice day though.

 

 

TODAY IS ALSO. . .

MAGS Day

Mutation Day

National Biscotti Day

National Attend Your Grandchild’s Birth Day

International Coffee Day

VFW Day

 

 

COMING UP NEXT

(Note: Just because holiday is listed here it does not mean we are endorsing it.)

WEDNESDAY, SEPTEMBER 30

Ask a Stupid Question Day

Banned Websites Awareness Day

Blasphemy Day

International Translation Day

National Mulled Cider Day

National Women’s Health & Fitness Day

 

THURSDAY, OCTOBER 01

CD Player Day

Fire Pup Day

International Day of Older Persons

International Music Day

Model T Day

National Book It! Day

National Lace Day

World Vegetarian Day

National Walk Your Dog Day

 

FRIDAY, OCTOBER 02

Weird Darkness Day

Guardian Angels Day

International Day of Non-Violence

National Custodial Workers Day

Phileas Fogg’s Wager Day

World Farm Animals Day

Lee’s National Denim Day

National Diversity Day

World Smile Day

 

SATURDAY, OCTOBER 03

Cephalopod Awareness Day

Inter-American Water Day

World Card Making Day

 

SUNDAY, OCTOBER 04

Blessing of The Animals Day (Blessing of the Pets Day/World Pet Day)

Improve Your Office Day

Kanelbullens Dog

National Taco Day

National Shop in a Bottle Day

Ten-Four Day

Vodka Day

World Animal Day

International Blessings of the Fishing Fleet Day

Change a Light Day

Country Inn Bed & Breakfast Day

Intergeneration Day

International African Diaspora Day

World Communion Day

 

MONDAY, OCTOBER 05

Child Health Day

Day of Unity

International Day of No Prostitution

Techie’s Day

World Day of Architecture

World Day of Bullying Prevention / Blue Shirt Day

World Habitat Day

World Teachers Day

 

TUESDAY, OCTOBER 06

Ecological Debt Day

Jackie Mayer Rehab Day

Mad Hatter Day

American Libraries Day

 

 

ON THIS DAY

1950: Bell Laboratories introduced the first telephone answering machine. ***MARLAR: It was the last time anyone in the country ever answered their phone without screening calls.

 

1963: The TV comedy “My Favorite Martian” premiered on CBS. (

)

 

1986: The sitcom, “Designing Women,” premiered on CBS. (

)

 

1989: Actress Zsa Zsa Gabor was convicted of slapping a police officer and driving without a valid license in Beverly Hills, California.

 

1990: The best-selling non-fiction book was Millies Book by White House First Dog Millie Bush, as barked to First Lady Barbara Bush.

 

1993: The comedy “Grace Under Fire,” starring Brett Butler, debuted on ABC-TV. (

)

 

1996: The Nintendo 64 video game system debuted in America. It had been selling in Japan for three months.

 

1999: A Norwegian consortium ordered a giant 648-foot luxury condominium ship, with apartments to start at $2 million for 1,100 square feet.The $262-million ship was expected to be completed by December 2001. Residents of some 200 units would be able to see the world without ever leaving home. ***MARLAR: Of course, there is a cheaper solution for the ordinary man… it’s called the Discovery Channel.

 

2003: Adventurer David Hempleman-Adams became the first person to cross the Atlantic solo in an open wicker basket balloon, landing in England after surviving hail and snow. After lifting off from New Brunswick in Canada, the balloonist endured more than 84 hours of cold and sleep deprivation in a 5-by-7-foot wicker basket.

 

2003: President Bush signed legislation to ratify the Federal Trade Commission’s authority to set up a national do-not-call list for telemarketers. ***MARLAR: Looks like he’s got his legacy.

 

 

TODAY IN CHRISTIAN HISTORY

1413: Archbishop Arundel condemned Sir John Oldcastle, a follower of John Wycliffe, of heresy. He was given 40 days to recant, during which he escaped and hid in Wales. He remained hidden for a year, until the offer of a large reward prompted someone to betray him. He was then captured and roasted to death.

 

1978: Three weeks after being elected, Pope John Paul I dies while reading a devotional in bed.

 

 

HOLLYWOOD, SPORTS AND CELEBRITY FIGURE BIRTHDAYS

  • actress (Mary Warner on “ER”, April Skouris on “The 4400”) Natasha Gregson Wagner 45 (
    )
  • actress (Vicki Stubing on “The Love Boat”) Jill Whelan 49 (
    )
  • TV host Bryant Gumbel 67
  • actress (Abbott and Costello Go To Mars) Anita Ekberg 84

 

 

BEE-BOP BIRTHDAYS

(Music Artist Birthdays From SongFacts.com)

1935 : Jerry Lee Lewis

1942 : Jean-Luc Ponty

1944 : Tommy Boyce (Boyce & Hart)

1944 : Mike Post

1944 : Tommy Tate

1944 : Anne Briggs

1947 : Peter Hope-Evans (Medicine Head)

1948 : Mike Pinera (Iron Butterfly)

1948 : Mark Farner (Grand Funk)

1963 : Les Claypool (Primus, Sausage)

1968 : Brad Smith (Blind Melon)

 

 

SECRETS OF THE UNIVERSE

What’s the origin of the phrase, “dead as a doornail?”
“Dead as a doornail” first appeared in English Around 1350 A.D. Shakespeare used the phrase in several of his plays. The best theory about “doornail” notes that until the nineteenth century, metal nails were both expensive and rarely used. Metal nails were used in the construction of doors, but were usually driven straight through the door and then bent over on the other side, which made them impossible to remove. Such nails were called “dead” in carpentry jargon, at the time, because they could not loosen and work themselves free.

 

 

CHRISTIAN ARTIST NEWS

Do you like the Christian Artist News you see below? It’s just a tiny sample of the 5-6 pages of material you could be receive every weekday… and it’s FREE! Become one of their subscribers at ChristianRadioShowPrepServices.com!

 

Casting Crowns Megan Garrett is looking forward to her new resurrection body. She said that’s mainly because of the non jacked-up knees that she’ll have. Megan says she’s looking forward to glory knees.

 

Newsboys drummer Duncan Phillips says his kids have the best Granddaddy! Duncan says he has fully restored a Model A Ford and his kids got to go cruising in it this weekend

https://twitter.com/DuncanPhillips/status/646475422801227776/photo/1

 

Natalie Grant says her youngest daughter Sadie is a fashionista. She shared a picture of Sadie all dressed up and added: That moment you realize you want your four year old’s outfit for yourself.

 

Matthew West played a surprise performance for the kids at Park Christian School in Moorehead, Minnesota late last week. Matthew shared: These kids tragically lost two fellow students this year. This morning we all sang “Strong Enough” and gave thanks to God.

 

Natalie Grant was asking for prayer over the weekend. She tweeted: Having a little surgery this morning. No word on the type surgery but it sounds like it was a success. Later on Natalie issued a followup post: Thank you for your prayers. I’m now home, safe, medicated, resting and receiving the best TLC one could ask for. I’m also thanking the Lord for the gift of modern medicine and skilled doctors.

 

 

WEIRD & WACKY

Motorist sets lighter to spider at gas station, burns pump
CENTER LINE, Mich. (AP) — A man with an apparent case of arachnophobia caused a fire at a suburban Detroit gas pump by putting a lighter to what he says was a spider near his fuel door. HASH(0x1414fb0) The motorist can be heard on the surveillance video at the Center Line station asking: “Is…

 

Marijuana bundle drops from sky, slams into family’s carport
Maya Donnelly awoke to what sounded like thunder in the early morning hours, but dismissed it as a typical monsoon storm and went back to sleep. Later that morning, she looked in the carport at her home in Nogales, near the U.S.-Mexico border, and saw pieces of wood on the ground. She found a bulky…
Seminary puts pope-inspired beer on tap for Francis’ stay    photo
PHILADELPHIA (AP) — It started out as a lark inspired by the frenzy over Pope Francis’ visit to Philadelphia: a limited-run beer for the local bars with a playful name and a label showing the pontiff raising a gold-hued goblet of the stuff. Holy Wooder, a powerful Belgian-style tripel, was…
Ohio man plans to jump rope Akron marathon for world record
AKRON, Ohio (AP) — An Ohio runner plans to jump rope the Akron marathon in his quest for a Guinness world record. David Livingston of Wooster has been training for several months for the attempt, which involves continually swinging the rope over the 26.2-mile course. HASH(0x13d7ad0)…
Police: Man throws fit at McDonald’s over botched order
CARLSBAD, N.M. (AP) — A McDonald’s customer in New Mexico was not loving it when employees mistakenly put pickles on his order. Police in Carlsbad say officers had to squash a public disturbance at the fast-food restaurant after the customer began harassing employees over the mistake. Workers…
Giant pumpkin stolen from South Dakota yard in ‘brazen’ move
SPEARFISH, S.D. (AP) — Matthew Murraine wants to know who swiped his 100-pound pumpkin. Murraine has been growing a type of large pumpkin at his home in Spearfish, South Dakota, this summer. Last Friday, someone stole the largest one in a heist Murraine believes was carefully planned….
Escaped tarantula grounds plane near Baltimore
LINTHICUM, Md. (AP) — A tarantula that escaped in the cargo hold of a passenger flight from Maryland’s BWI airport to Atlanta grounded the plane before it could take off and sent passengers onto another flight. Brian Kruse, spokesman for Delta Air Lines, tells The Baltimore Sun…
Weather service accidentally sends Connecticut tsunami alert
HARTFORD, Conn. (AP) — The Connecticut shoreline was briefly under a tsunami warning before the National Weather Service disclosed the alert had been sent by mistake during a routine monthly test. The Weather Service’s office in New York sent the warning Thursday morning to its radio and…
Sheriff apologizes to lawyers asked to remove bras at jail
PORTLAND, Maine (AP) — A sheriff apologized Thursday to a pair of female lawyers who were told they needed to take off their underwire bras at jail to avoid setting off the metal detector if they wanted to talk to their incarcerated clients. Cumberland County Sheriff Kevin Joyce said he…
Iranian in UK tries to get sent home but is in UK legally
LONDON (AP) — Tens of thousands of people fleeing warfare and poverty are trying to enter Europe but at least one Iranian man who has made his home in Britain seems desperate to leave. Manchester Police say Arash Aria turned himself in Monday, claiming to be in Britain illegally, but after…
Congressman grabs drinking glass used by pope, takes sip
PHILADELPHIA (AP) — Pope Francis wasn’t the only person to drink from the glass of water he used during his speech to Congress. An enterprising Democratic congressman from Philadelphia also took a sip. HASH(0x13d1410) Brady said he took it to his office and had a drink. So did his wife,…

 

 

 

HEALTH & FITNESS

Gene test finds which breast cancer patients can skip chemo    photo
Many women with early-stage breast cancer can skip chemotherapy without hurting their odds of beating the disease — good news from a major study that shows the value of a gene-activity test to gauge each patient’s risk. The test accurately identified a group of women whose cancers are so…

 

Nonprofits seek Supreme Court review of contraceptives case    photo
WASHINGTON (AP) — Religion, birth control and President Barack Obama’s health care overhaul are about to collide at the Supreme Court yet again. Faith-affiliated charities, colleges and hospitals that oppose some or all contraception as immoral are battling the administration over rules that…
Amid VW scandal, polluted Paris asks if time to dump diesel    photo
PARIS (AP) — Guidebooks rarely mention it, but Paris is one of the most polluted cities in the rich world. The Eiffel Tower is periodically shrouded in smog, and there’s one key culprit: France’s disproportionately heavy reliance on diesel fuel. Critics are increasingly questioning the need…
US aims to cut HIV infections in young women in Africa    photo
WASHINGTON (AP) — The Obama administration is announcing a $300 million program to drastically reduce HIV infections in girls and young woman in 10 sub-Saharan African nations hard hit by the virus. Administration officials are aiming for a 25 percent infection reduction in females between…
Fraud case alleges hundreds of surgeries by non-doctor    photo
LOS ANGELES (AP) — The patient was unconscious and ready for surgery, but the doctor was not in. Instead of the Stanford- and Harvard-trained orthopedic surgeon who was supposed to perform the operation, the patient got a physician assistant who would do the cutting while the doctor and other…
Nigeria revels in removal from list of polio-endemic nations    photo
LAGOS, Nigeria (AP) — Nigeria on Saturday celebrated the announcement by the U.N. health agency that polio is no longer endemic in the West African country. The news of Nigeria’s progress, made by the World Health Organization on late Friday, leaves only Pakistan and its war-battered neighbor…
American doctor cured of Ebola continues his work in Liberia    photo
WORCESTER, Mass. (AP) — This time last year, Dr. Rick Sacra was given a second chance at life. On Sept. 25, 2014, the 52-year-old Massachusetts physician had just been discharged from an Omaha, Nebraska, hospital after being treated and cured of Ebola. Sacra had contracted the deadly virus…
Obama makes forceful defense of new development goals    photo
UNITED NATIONS (AP) — President Barack Obama on Sunday committed the U.S. to a new blueprint to eliminate poverty and hunger around the world, telling a global summit that a sweeping new development agenda is “not charity but instead is one of the smartest investments we can make in our own…
Experts question safety of Essure device linked to pain
WASHINGTON (AP) — A 13-year-old birth control implant came under new scrutiny Thursday as federal health experts discussed a host of problems reported by women implanted with the metallic device, including chronic pain, bleeding and fatigue. The Essure implant from German manufacturer Bayer…
Tiny, premature baby survives birth on a cruise ship    photo
SALT LAKE CITY (AP) — A Utah woman who unexpectedly gave birth on a cruise ship months before her due date said she wrapped towels around the 1 1/2-pound boy and kept him alive with the help of medical staff until the ship reached port. Emily Morgan of Ogden said Thursday that doctors didn’t…
Justices could review nonprofits’ contraceptives objection    photo
WASHINGTON (AP) — Religion, birth control and President Barack Obama’s health care overhaul are about to collide at the Supreme Court yet again. Faith-affiliated charities, colleges and hospitals that oppose some or all contraception as immoral are battling the administration over rules that…

 

 

 

NEWS KICKERS

(None on the weekends)

 

NEW NEWS KICKERS…

Two teens dressed as ninjas armed with a machete and expecting an easy robbery at a Pittsburgh convenience store got a shock when a cashier pulled out a sword and started chasing them. Both teens ran away.  ***Bad idea – they should have at least tried a 20-sided die saving throw first.

 

While in Philadelphia over the weekend, Pope Francis attended the World Meeting of Families. The festival was headlined by Mark Wahlberg, who, in between introducing performances by artists including Aretha Franklin, Andrea Boccelli and The Fray, took a moment to ask the pontiff for his forgiveness for his movie “Ted.”  ***To which the Pope replied – “The amount of forgiveness required for that atrocity is beyond my pay grade.”

 

Actress Glenn Close and third husband have gotten a divorce.  ***I can only assume you give Glenn whatever she wants in the divorce for fear of being attacked with a knife and a pot of rabbit stew.

 

In an effort to chase away space aliens, Pennsylvania resident Arthur Brown wrapped his home in tin foil and shines round-the-clock spotlights from his porch. Brown’s actions have left him in an ongoing feud with his neighbors, who are fed up with the 78-year-old’s antics and have taken him to court.  ***Actually, those sound like awesome Halloween decorations to me.

 

Facebook had a brief outage Thursday. This, naturally, caused more than a few people to head over to Twitter to complain and freak out.  ***Remember way back when we didn’t have Facebook?  Nyah… me neither.

 

 

NEWS KICKER EVERGREENS…

A Harvard and University of British Columbia study found that how you spend money is at least as important to happiness as how much you make. They studied 630 Americans and found that those who spent money on other people, even as little as $5 a day for gifts or charity, were measurably happier than those who spent the money on themselves.  ***MARLAR: In fact, instead of buying the complete Stargate SG-1 collection on DVD for myself, I bought it for my wife Robin – and I’m feeling really good about that right now.

 

According to a recent survey on office pet peeves, 32 percent of employees listed “loud talkers” as their biggest annoyance at work. However, 44 percent said using condescending tones were the worst, while 37 percent found public reprimands at work irritating. 34 percent said they hated bosses who micromanage, topping 22 percent who disliked using speakerphones in public areas. ***MARLAR: And 78% said their biggest pet peeve is people making them take dumb surveys about their jobs while they’re trying to get their work done.

 

You can get better at lying with more practice, a recent study suggests.  Researchers found that with a little training, people can learn to tell a lie more automatically and efficiently. It gets easier for folks to repeat the lies and becomes harder for them to differentiate deception from telling the truth.  ***MARLAR: Which explains every single politician to ever have held office.

 

AT&T’s chief medical officer is warning that cellphones can easily spread the flu because they’re one of the few devices that regularly come in close contact with the face.  Dr. Geeta Nayyar is urging people to clean and disinfect their phones regularly, use hands-free headsets and avoid taking out their phones in restrooms.  She says cellphones make a convenient delivery device for viruses because of how often people shake hands, turn doorknobs and use railings before touching their phone.  ***MARLAR: To make sure all of the germs and bacteria are removed from your phone, you can also toss it in the dishwasher for a cycle or two.

 

 

WONDER WOMAN

CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD TODAY’S EPISODE… “Self-Help Groups”

 

 

DAILY COMEDY CLIP

CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD TODAY’S EPISODE… Johnny Roberts, “Football Widow”

 

 

AS THE JUNGLE TURNS – WEEKDAY VERSION

CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD TUESDAY’S EPISODE
OPEN: And now, FancyMonkey.com, (Show Name), and (Station Call Letters) bring you As the Jungle Turns! When last we left the jungle island of Razzleflabbin, Katie Snuffleson has boarded the cloud tram and was off on her way to Candyland – despite the warnings from Olaf and Karl that it could be dangerous if she eats too much candy – as she might fall from the sky! But Katie doesn’t seem all that concerned… at least not yet.

 

CLOSE: Oh boy – too much candy has made Katie too heavy for the clouds to support her any longer! Karl and Olaf warned her this could happen – but did she listen? No. Will Katie survive? Find out next time, As the Jungle Turns!

 

 

AS THE JUNGLE TURNS – SATURDAY/SUNDAY VERSION

CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD THE EPISODE FOR THE WEEKEND OF OCTOBER 03/04, 2015
OPEN: And now, FancyMonkey.com, (Show Name), and (Station Call Letters) bring you As the Jungle Turns! When last we left the jungle, Gruffy Bear insisted on looking at picnic spot after picnic spot after picnic spot in order to find the perfect place to have an ultimate picnic. Unfortunately, he wasn’t listening to anybody else’s opinions, and everyone else is tired, hungry, and they’ve had enough…

 

CLOSE: All of this over finding a nice place for a picnic? Find out what happens next time, As the Jungle Turns!

 

***You may simulcast “As the Jungle Turns” on the Internet stream of your live broadcast only. Any other Internet use of As the Jungle Turns in whole or part including podcasting of your live broadcast is a violation of copyright law. Thank you for your cooperation on this vitally important issue. If you have any questions, please e-mail us.

 

 

MOMENT OF DUH

Imagine needing brain surgery, but then being told that the hospital has a shortage of brain surgeons and your doctor has been suspended for three days due to a “lunchroom incident.” 

The United Kingdom’s National Health Services (NHS) is having a hard time providing neurosurgery to patients because they don’t have enough surgeons.  On top of that, one of Britain’s leading brain surgeons, Dr. Terence Hope, was suspended for three days recently.  Now… seeing as the need for doctors is so dire, Dr. Hope must have obviously committed some extremely grievance offense in order to be reprimanded in such a way, right?  Wrong.  Here’s why this story is a Moment of Duh.  We have too few surgeons available, and now this one has been suspended from practicing medicine for three days because… are you ready for this?… because he took extra croutons with his soup in the hospital cafeteria.  According to the London Telegraph “…every so often a tale crops up of such flaring, dazzling idiocy that the entire nation is rendered quite breathless by it.”  Well put.

 

 

TOP TEN

TOP TEN TRUTHS AT THE OFFICE

 

  1. A pat on the back is only a few centimeters from a kick in the back side.

 

  1. Don’t be irreplaceable, if you can’t be replaced, you can’t be promoted.

 

  1. The more stuff you put up with, the more stuff you are going to get.

 

  1. After any salary raise, you will have less money at the end of the month than you did before.

 

  1. When the bosses talk about improving productivity, they are never talking about themselves.

 

  1. If you are good, you will be assigned all the work. If you are really good, you will get out of it.

 

  1. You are always doing something marginal when the boss drops by your desk.

 

  1. People who go to conferences are the ones who shouldn’t.

 

  1. There will always be old coke cans rolling on the floor of your car when the boss asks for a ride home from the

office.

 

  1. The last person that quit or was fired will be held responsible for everything that goes wrong.

 

 

THE FILES OF LAW & DISORDER

Here we go again…a customer who spilled coffee on herself has sued The Oasis Truck Stop in Hartland, Michigan!

 

FILE #1: 28 year old Julie Curtis sued the makers of the coffee machine and the makers of the coffee mug as well. Even though the temperature of the coffee was shown to be exactly as it should, in accordance with industry standards, the customer’s lawyer claims that the coffee was still too hot. The case was sent to jury, where they found the defendant’s not guilty of any negligence and awarded zero dollars.

 

FILE #2: A thief robbing a supermarket in Austria left more than just fingerprints at the scene of the crime. He left his teeth! The crook took out his false teeth to eat some food while robbing a supermarket. But while eating, he was startled by the flashlight of a security guard and ran off. He left behind his dentures on the store’s meat counter and they were still there when police arrived. A police spokesman said, “We suspect the dentures were a bad fit and he took them out so he could eat what he wanted.” The thief is still on the loose, but the police hope dental records will help capture him. That’s the tooth, the whole tooth and nothing but the tooth.

 

FILE #3: A Michigan man recently walked into a Flint, Michigan convenience store in a hooded jacket and approached the clerk with a gun and demanded all the money in the cash register. The clerk complied. When the robber returned to his home, police were there waiting. It seems that the jacket the man wore during the holdup was his high school varsity jacket that had his full name and year he graduated inscribed on it.  ***MARLAR: I’m guessing he did NOT graduate with honors.

 

STRANGE LAW: In Charlotte, North Carolina, women must have their bodies covered by at least 16 yards of cloth at all times.

 

 

THIS IS YOUR BRAIN ON DRUGS

Parents of an 18-year-old are suing a drug manufacturer and a drugstore for giving drugs to their son that overdosed. Only problem is, he wasn’t given the drugs by the drugstore – but the parents are suing anyway! 

The parents of an 18-year-old University of Florida student who died after taking an OxyContin pill are suing the drugstore where the pill came from and the drug manufacturer!  One problem though… the boy didn’t get the drug from either one of those places.  The drugs were given to the boy by a friend who had stolen them from the drugstore he worked for.  No matter… the parents are suing both the drug manufacturer and the drug store anyway for apparently, um … for apparently, um … somehow, forcing their son to take the drug from his friend that stole the drugs and then overdose on it?  I don’t know… it must be something like that. I guess. Maybe. Truthfully, I think they’re just looking for a way to make some quick cash.  And isn’t it odd that the friend who stole the drugs and gave them to the kid isn’t being sued? What’s up with that?!?

 

 

PHONER PHUN

Remember when you could look under a coke cap and get a message that you won a prize? Nowadays, you get a code that you have to punch into their web site. What happened to the good ole days of “I’m an instant winner,” or “I’m an instant loser!”? Have you ever won anything from a soda cap?

 

 

BIBLE BRAIN BUSTER!

QUESTION: What happened to the people who accused Moses and Aaron of killing God’s people?
ANSWER: They were killed in a plague

 

 

QUESTION IMPOSSIBLE

QUESTION: What is unusual about Mona Lisa’s eyebrows in the famous Leonardo da Vinci painting?
ANSWER: She has none.

 

 

TRUE OR FALSE

Pay attention! If our next player doesn’t answer all ten T/F questions correctly we start all over from question #1! First person to answer question #10 correctly is our winner!

 

  1. One of the strange cures for the Black Plague in the 14th century was placing pigs next to the dying person. (True)

 

  1. If you take a penny and double it, and then keep doubling it every day for thirty days, you will wind up with over five million dollars. (True)

 

  1. Abraham Lincoln was the first president to have a phone on his desk in the White House. (False)

 

  1. If you are the typical American man, you own 22 ties. (True)

 

  1. A man’s beard grows about an inch in one month. (False)

 

  1. A mosquito’s favorite aroma is aftershave. (True)

 

  1. Hey give the U.S. Postal Service a break! They do after all handle 40% of all the entire world’s mail. (True)

 

  1. In 1920, the average check at a diner was 15 cents. (False… it was nearly twice that at 28 cents.)

 

  1. More Americans are arrested for shoplifting than any other crime. (False, unfortunately it’s drunk driving!)

 

  1. Right-handed people live an average of nine years longer than left-handed people. (True)

 

 

TABLOID MATCH GAME

You have to match the blank in the tabloid headline with the word or phrase that has been removed!

WORLD’S BIGGEST _______ (BUTT)

DALLAS, TX – Dionne Washington claims to have the biggest butt in the world.

Dionne Washington can’t imagine anything worse than dieting. Her massive bottom is 5ft 3ins across and weighs a whopping 120 pounds – about the same as Lindsay Lohan holding twenty pounds of coke.

Dionne loves her butt.

“I am literally sitting on a fortune,” says Dionne, 35. “My butt must be the widest in the world and it already earns me over $180,00 a year. I used to hate it, but now it’s my fave feature.”

She’s sitting on a goldmine.

She knows how much her bottom weighs because four men lifted her up and flopped it down on a set of industrial scales while holding up the rest of her.  At its widest point, it’s 14ft 9ins around, and she’s on a mission to make it even bigger.

Dionne’s total weight is 425 lbs and at 5ft 4ins tall her Body Mass Index is 85. That’s four times more than an average woman and it puts her at risk of high cholesterol, diabetes and heart problems.

“I’m not concerned,” she insists. “I love my body and wouldn’t change a thing.”

 

 

THE WAY TOO EARLY IN THE MORNING TO UNDERSTAND THE PUNCHLINE EVEN AFTER TWO CUPS OF COFFEE JOKE OF THE DAY

JOKE #1

What is a human resource? Does your organization struggle with the problem of properly fitting people to jobs? Here is a handy hint for ensuring success in job placement. Take the prospective employees you are trying to place and put them in a room with only a table and two chairs. Leave them alone for two hours, without any instruction. At the end of that time, go back and see what they are doing.

  • If they have taken the table apart in that time, put them in Engineering.
  • If they are counting the butts in the ashtray, assign them to Finance.
  • If they are screaming and waving their arms, send them off to Manufacturing
  • If they are talking to the chairs, Personnel is a good spot for them.
  • If they are sleeping, they are Management material.
  • If they don’t even look up when you enter the room, assign them to Security
  • And if they’ve left early, put them in Sales.

 

JOKE #2

Three prisoners were scheduled to be executed. The warden asked them what they wanted to have for their last meal.

“Lasagna,” the first replied. The warden served him his lasagna, then escorted him to his execution.

“I’d like lobster,” the second prisoner said. The warden served him his lobster, then led him to his execution.

The third prisoner said, “I’d like a big bowl of strawberries, topped with whipped cream.”

“Sorry, but strawberries are out of season,” the warden said.

“Ah, that’s ok. I’ll wait!” replied the prisoner.

 

JOKE #3

At a jewelry store, a young man bought an expensive locket as a present for his girlfriend. “Don’t you want her name engraved upon it?” asked the jeweler.

The young man thought for a moment, and then, ever the pragmatic, steadfastly replied, “No, just engrave it: To My One And Only Girl. That way, if we break up and she throws it back to me in anger, I can use it again.”

 

 

USELESS FACTS

“Hoosier” Indiana’s state nickname came from a generic Southern word, meaning bumpkin.  ***MARLAR: They went with “Hoosiers” because the idea of playing against the Indiana “Bumpkins” doesn’t sound all that intimidating.

 

Recent studies show that 3 out of every 100 drivers around you are paying more attention to their cell phones rather than the road. ***MARLAR: If you’re on the road, give us a call and let us know what you think about this!

 

 

FEATURED FUNNIES

Robert, age eight, was the son of strict Presbyterian parents. He was very, very good, worked hard at school, did his chores, and was generally helpful and obedient. But one morning, for some reason, he came down to breakfast in a very nasty mood. When his mother served him prunes, he snarled, “I don’t want prunes,” and he refused to eat them.

His parents were aghast, and his father said, “Robert, you know that the Lord commanded children to honor and obey their parents, and He will punish those who do not.”  But Robert still refused and was angrily sent back to bed, and the prunes were put in the refrigerator.  A few minutes later, a terrible thunderstorm came up with great roars and flashes of lightning. “Ah, wonderful,” said Robert’s mother, “this will teach him a lesson.”

Robert came back down the stairs, went into the kitchen and opened the fridge.  From there, just after another flash and roar, the boy’s voice was heard saying, “Heck of a fuss to make about a few stupid prunes.”

 

 

IT MUST BE TRUE BECAUSE I HEARD IT ON THE RADIO!

POLITICS GOING TO THE DOGS

Can dogs vote?  Yes… but only if they live and work in North Carolina!
(From 2003) The people at the Board of Elections in Cleveland County, North Carolina, are not pleased that Parker Carroll is allowed to vote. Not only is Carroll only 15-years-old, but he’s a dog. The dog is officially registered on the county’s voting rolls. In addition to being able to vote, the dog has also been a write-in-candidate twice for mayor. Members of the board are not happy and are suspicious, considering that the dog’s owner used to be a precinct voting official. Carroll’s owner claims she never registered the animal and that someone else must have done it as a prank. The pooch has yet to vote though, and no one is sure which political party he is affiliated with.

 

 

INSPIRATIONAL INSPIRATION

WISE PARENTS
Ida and David both wanted all their sons to graduate from college. They knew their boys would have to pay their own way since David never made more than $150 a month. Still, they encouraged their sons to achieve all they could. Arthur, however, went directly from high school to a job. Edgar began studying law. When Dwight graduated he didn’t have a goal in mind, so he and Ed made a pact: Dwight would work two years while Ed studied, sending Ed as much as he could, and then they would reverse the arrangement. While working Dwight found an opportunity that appealed to him more than college – West Point.
Both Ida and David were crushed by Dwight’s decision. Ida was deeply convinced that soldiering was wicked. Still, all she ever said to him was, “It is your choice.” David also remained silent, allowing his adult son full freedom to forge his own future.
Yes, Ida and David wisely held their tongues – but they never withheld their applause, especially on the day their son, General Dwight Eisenhower, became President of the United States of America.

 

 

DRIVE TIME DEVOTIONAL

WISDOM IS FROM GOD
“Respect and obey the Lord! This is the beginning of wisdom.” -Proverbs 9:10 CEV
The writer of Proverbs spends a great deal of time teaching about wisdom because wisdom is essential to building simple yet strong living. We could argue that the essentials of life are food on the table, a roof over our head and clothing to wear.
Another might say that we need someone to love, someone who needs us, and something to look forward to. We may have all of these, but if we don’t have the wisdom with which to enjoy them, our life can be unfulfilled.
Wisdom is not something we can be taught. We can’t order it from the store or have our doctor prescribe it for us. Then how is wisdom acquired? The writer of Proverbs tells us to begin by respecting and obeying God. Charles Swindoll writes, “Wisdom comes privately from God as a by-product of right decisions, godly reactions, and the application of spiritual principles to daily circumstances.”
If the executives of certain large corporations had used the wisdom described by the above-cited scripture and Rev. Swindoll, their companies would not be in such trouble and thousands of people would not have lost jobs and investments. Have you decisions to make? Respect and obey God and he will fill you with the wisdom you need.

 

 

LEFTOVERS

NEW LINE OF WORK

Hate standing in lines? Very soon, you could be able to hire someone to do it for you!

Standing around waiting in line may become a thing of the past for people in the United Kingdom that have enough cash. A new service is being launched called Q4U. Now, in the United Kingdom, waiting in line is called queuing… so Q4U actually makes sense. If you hate queuing (waiting in line), then just hire someone else to do it for you! Director Patrick Young said: “Some business or individuals simply don’t have the time to do this, so we give them the chance to pay somebody else to wait in line for them. It makes sense for the customer and it makes sense for our workers, who get paid for just standing around. We’re there for anything that involves standing in line. It could be travel documents, tickets, housing transactions, auctions or anything where people have to wait.” ***MARLAR: What I wouldn’t give to have this service here.  I have to get my driver’s license renewed next month.

 

 

LIFE… LIVE IT

YOU’LL BE COUGHIN’ IN YOUR COFFIN IF YOU SMOKE

Danish scientists report that at least one in four heavy, long-term smokers who do not quit will develop the deadly lung disease chronic obstructive pulmonary disease. That includes chronic bronchitis and emphysema and is a leading cause of death worldwide.  As the lungs are destroyed, signs will begin to show like fatigue, shortness of breath and difficulty breathing.  ***MARLAR: I don’t smoke and all of those things happen to me when I climb the basement stairs.

 

 

JUST FOR FUN

YOGURT SENSOR

Are you a big yogurt fan? If so, you might be surprised someday soon to find that your tub of yogurt contains an electronic sensor!

How can you be sure that your yogurt is safe to eat? Well, to make sure you’re getting the best yogurt possible, fifty tubs of fake yogurt containing sensors will be hidden in supermarkets to test how well the cold storage systems and cold distribution systems are working. Apparently, a break in what they call the “cold chain” (the non-stop refrigeration needed to preserve food such as dairy, meat, fish and frozen dishes) can heighten the risk of bacteria. So these sensors, hidden in yogurt containers, will test whether dairy foods are kept sufficiently cold all the way from producers to consumers. Electronic sensors the size of a watch battery will be introduced in 50 yogurt pots to be distributed nationwide in various brands of yogurt. But instead of yogurt the tubs will contain an edible blue jelly and a warning to the consumer not to swallow the sensor. Also a $27 reward will be offered to encourage consumers to send back the sensors for analysis. ***MARLAR: How can you tell if yogurt is going bad? Does it uncurdle?

 

 

FUN LIST

REAL NOTES TO THE MILKMAN

  • “Dear Milkman, I’ve just had a baby, please leave another one.”
  • “Please leave an extra pint of paralyzed milk.”
  • “Please don’t leave any more milk. All they do is drink it.”
  • “Milkman, please close the gate behind you because the birds keep pecking the tops off the milk.”
  • “Sorry not to have paid your bill before, but my wife had a baby, and I’ve been carrying it around in my pocket for weeks.”
  • “Sorry about yesterday’s note. I didn’t mean one egg and a dozen pints, but the other way ’round.”
  • “When you leave my milk, knock on my bedroom window and wake me because I want you to give me a hand to turn the mattress.”
  • “Please knock. My TV’s broken down, and I missed last night’s SOPRANOS. If you saw it, will you tell me what happened?”
  • “My daughter says she wants a milkshake. Do you do it before you deliver, or do I have to shake the bottle?”
  • “Please send me a form for cheap milk, for I have a baby two months old and did not know about it until a neighbor told me.”
  • “Milk is needed for the baby. Father is unable to supply it.”
  • “From now on please leave two pints every other day and one pint on the days in between, except Wednesdays and Saturdays when I don’t want any milk.”
  • “My back door is open. Please put milk in ‘fridge, get money out of cup in drawer and leave change on kitchen table, because we want to play bingo tonight.”
  • “Please leave no milk today. When I say today, I mean tomorrow, for I wrote this note yesterday…or is it today?”
  • “When you come with the milk please put the coal on the boiler, let dog out, and put newspaper inside the screen door. P.S. Don’t leave any milk.”
  • “No milk. Please do not leave milk at No. 14 either as he is dead until further notice.”

 

 

MORE SHOW PREP STUFF…

HOW TO KEEP FROM LOSING YOUR MIND

 

  1. Focus on listening more and talking less. Listening requires greater concentration.

 

  1. Avoid hanging around negative people. Thinking positive stimulates the brain as well as brightens your day.

 

  1. Stick to a healthy diet of protein foods, fruit and veggies. It gives you brain power.

 

  1. Avoid high fat foods. Fat clogs the arteries that supply blood to the brain.

 

  1. Take vitamins, especially vitamin E, zinc and Ginko Baloba. Some tests show this can help aging and memory.

 

  1. Read, read, read and do crossword puzzles. It’s exercise for the brain.

 

  1. Avoid excessive alcohol. Too much may result in loss of brain cells.

 

  1. Plan activities with others. Socialization offsets brain laziness.

 

  1. Avoid unnecessary medication. Losing weight, lowering blood pressure and high cholesterol levels can often be achieved through diet and exercise instead of drugs. Learn the side effects of medication you take. Some types of sleep aids may cause memory loss.

 

  1. Maintain a daily exercise and workout schedule. It improves blood circulation to the brain.

 

 

TOTALLY OUTRAGEOUS!

(Mondays Only)

 

 

OTHER STUFF I WANT TO CRAM INTO TODAY’S PREP

Trans World Radio says the long-term future of the church in China is at stake. But it’s a good problem to have due the explosive growth of Christianity in China.  They say action must be taken now to equip more strong leaders to keep up with the amazing growth of Christianity in China or millions of Chinese believers will be “sheep without a shepherd. In response, TWR has created China Radio Church Kits. The kits – containing a radio, Mandarin Bible and Mandarin Bible study materials – are hand-delivered by TWR teams only to leaders who have shown a deep commitment to increasing spiritual growth in their congregations.

https://www.twr.org/project/crck

 

Are you a morning person or a night person? According to mic.com, a new finding shows the reason for this may go far beyond personal preference, and in fact, may be linked to genetics. Researchers found different fruit flies emerged from their pupal case, or “woke up,” at different times of the day. The study authors then found they could replicate the behavior of the late risers through selective breeding, indicating a link between sleep behaviors and genetics.

http://acuff.me/2015/09/the-presidents-wife-ruined-our-school-lunches-my-4th-grade-daughter/

 

Every person emits a unique blend of microbes into the air, and this “microbial cloud” is personalized enough that it could be used to identify people. Accord to CBS news, a new study finds that trillions of bacteria live on and in the human body. Together, these bacteria make up what researchers call the human microbiome. In the experiment, eight people were asked to sit in the chamber for two 90-minute periods. Researchers say: we were surprised to find that we could identify most of the occupants just by sampling their microbial cloud.

http://www.cbsnews.com/news/people-emit-a-unique-microbial-cloud-of-bacteria-study-finds/

 

 

AND I LEAVE YOU WITH THIS THOUGHT

This just in: Major-league club owners today announced that beginning next year the 7th inning stretch will be an hour long—so fans can go home and get more money. –HaLife

 

 

THE WAY WE WORK

(Updated as it comes available. The Way WE Work is written by Mark Elfstrand from 1160Hope.com in Chicago.)

It Can’t Be This Hard

Today is September 21st. Peace Day. More on that in a moment. But to answer the famous question, “Can’t we all just get along?” The answer is no.
Take this recent story headline from Associated Press: “Burger King to McDonalds: Let’s make a McWhopper.” Full page ads in various newspapers carried the message. A one day truce it was called. For the betterment of mankind, of course.
Burger King was attempting to get a cooperative effort with the “Golden Arches” folk to build a unique combination of a Whopper and a Big Mac. But only for a day. Peace Day.
As the AP story goes, “Burger King is tying the publicity stunt to a nonprofit called Peace One Day, which says it promotes Peace Day. The United Nations created the International Day of Peace in 1981 to coincide with its annual opening session in September. It then designated September 21 as the annual ‘day of non-violence and cease-fire’ in 2001.”
Call it a noble act. Call it promotional gimmickry. Ronald McDonald is not interested in such peace efforts. Ronald may smile at the kids, but not at the competition. Their CEO Steve Easterbrook in responding with a “no way” message, belittled the effort of burger war peace compared to “the real pain and suffering of war.” He then added, “P.S., simple phone call will do next time.” Put that in your Whopper and chew on it for a while. C’mon, man!
Well, I’m in a different kind of battle with the fast food giants. One that pleads for simple, friendly customer service and the basics in operating a restaurant. Allow me to share several examples.
At the McDonald’s I frequently stop at on my way home when my wife is out, most employees give me no welcome greeting. When I pick up my food, no “thank you.” At the Wendy’s near my office, the ketchup containers have been empty twice during the lunch hours I visited. And they were out of napkins. Hello…it’s lunch time. At Culver’s drive through, my last three meals came with no napkins. And the latest: on Friday night, my wife had a hankering for KFC grilled chicken. It was during the dinner hours but none was available. They were cooking it. Instead of serving it.
One of my favorites on this list happened a week or so ago taking our granddaughter to IKEA. They served up chicken fingers which yearned for barbecue sauce. Except…there wasn’t any. Inquiring at the counter I was told they’ve been out for a few days. My problem solving went into gear and I suggested that since a Meijer grocery story was two blocks away, maybe they could simply go and buy some until their shipment arrived so as not to disappoint customers. The young woman thought that was a good idea.
Aside from the expected reaction that “Mark, fast food isn’t very good for you anyway” I wish to affirm two companies who seem to get it right the majority of the time. One is Chick Fil A. Their folks go out of their way to make sure I have what I need. And the tireless service motto that they own is, “My pleasure.”
The second high energy, high service minded company is In-N-Out Burger. Mainly located in California, they are a fan favorite and outperform their competitors in serving up burgers and fries. They also are the ones who imprint Bible verse references on their cups and fry containers.
And so it begs the question…how can these two companies do it right so consistently? I believe it is based on a passion for the customer. Yes, you have to have food that people enjoy. All of the fast food companies lay claim to that. But not all can lay claim to placing such emphasis on customer care.
For the record, my father managed several different Perkins restaurants during my growing up years. I worked in all but one. At peak times, customer care can be a real challenge. If it’s your mission, however, you finesse it as needed.
I believe most people want to be treated well. They enjoy being respected when spending their hard earned money for a meal. They respond to people who care.
Jesus of Nazareth advised us this way, “In everything, therefore, treat people the same way you want them to treat you, for this is the Law and the Prophets.” (Luke 7:12 NASB)
Do this, Ronald McDonald, and everyone will enjoy a happy meal.
P.S.: My apologies to any franchise owners or managers who want their employees to serve better.
That’s The Way WE Work.

 

 

THE TICKET Movie Reviews with MARIE ASNER

Marie Asner has been reviewing films for over 30 years. Her outlets include radio, print and Internet. For more in-depth movie reviews of the following films, visit www.Tollbooth.org. Ratings from 1 (Low) to 5 (High).

 

SEPTEMBER 25, 2015…

 

99 Homes (opening in select cities)–Andrew Garfield is a single Dad and gets chased out of his home because of non-payment. In order to get money, he is hired by a real estate man (Michael Shannon) who doesn’t care how he gets the money owed. Sad situations. Also in the cast is Laura Dern. “99 Homes” is rated R. No rating.

 

Hotel Transylvania 2—In this animated comedy, the story continues from the first film where a hotel was run for monsters to come and relax. Count Dracula has a daughter and she married and now has a son, the Count’s grandson. Who does the child resemble, the Count (with fangs) or the humans (no fangs). With others monsters about to help (and scare) the Count tries to baby-sit in his dubious way. Adam Sandler is the voice of the Count. “Hotel Transylvania 2” is rated PG. Rating of 3 for fans.

 

Mississippi Grind—Anything to earn money, that is what happens to Ryan Reynolds and Ben Mendelsohn when they have to gamble on a  modern day Mississippi riverboat to get funds. Win some, lose a lot. “Mississippi Grind” is rated R. No rating.

 

Stonewall (opening in select cities)—This Stonewall refers to the riots  of 1969 around the Stonewall Inn in Greenwich Village. Those were unsettling times (something like today) and concern gay rights. The film stars Jeremy Irvine and is directed by Roland Emmerich. “Stonewall” is rated R. No rating.

 

The Intern—Robert DeNiro is retired and wants to do something interesting, so he applies for a job as a business “intern,” to learn the ropes. Robert dresses in a suit, tie, manners and doesn’t look the part of your usual intern, namely casual clothing. Enter Anne Hathaway who heads a fashion business and is looking for assistance. When the two meet, well, you can guess the surprise in this tongue-in-cheek comedy about ages. “The Intern” is rated PG 13. Rating of 3 for fans.

 

SEPTEMBER 30, 2015…

 

The Walk is a harrowing film starring Joseph Gordon-Levitt as French street performer Philippe Petit who walked between the Twin Trade Towers on a wire (tightrope).

 

OCTOBER 02, 2015…

 

Freeheld  (opening in select cities) Julianne Moore and Ellen Page is about a romance between a  woman and a younger woman and what happens when one is ill.

 

Legend has Emily Browning and Tom Hardy married, though he is a criminal.

 

The Martian stars Matt Damon as a man thought dead and left behind on Mars. Except he is alive.

 

*Sicario starring Emily Blunt is now opening Oct. 2

 

# # # # #

 

 

WARNING: Don’t believe anything you read on the Internet or email (including stuff you read here) unless you can confirm it with another source, and/or it is consistent with what you already know to be true. The opinions in this publication are not necessarily those of Darren Marlar, Marlar House Entertainment, OnAirPrep.com, or any company or organization affiliated with aforementioned. (Regardless of how stupid you may think those opinions are. So there – nyah!)

Darren Marlar credits all non-original material to the author whenever possible. All other material is original, used with permission, or author unknown. We welcome all comments, questions, and suggestions. Darren can be reached via his website at www.DarrenMarlar.com.