September 30, 2015: Wednesday ONAIRprep

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PRINTER FRIENDLY VERSION: 20150930

 

 

WELCOME TO THE SHOW!

Time to rise and shine, gang. Okay okay, if you can’t rise and shine, at least flicker a little so I’ll know you’re out there.

 

Welcome to (THE JOCK SHOW), where you can have fun–without the inconvenience of having to enjoy yourself.

 

 

BIBLE VERSE OF THE DAY

When you go to war against your enemies and see horses and chariots and an army greater than yours, do not be afraid of them, because the LORD your God, who brought you up out of Egypt, will be with you. –Deuteronomy 20:1

 

Wisdom is a shelter as money is a shelter, but the advantage of knowledge is this: that wisdom preserves the life of its possessor. –Ecclesiastes 7:12

 

Everyone who does evil hates the light, and will not come into the light for fear that his deeds will be exposed. But whoever lives by the truth comes into the light, so that it may be seen plainly that what he has done has been done through God. — John 3:20-21

 

 

HEARTLIGHT DAILY VERSE, PRAYER & THOUGHT

[The apostle Paul said] “God did this so that men would seek him and perhaps reach out for him and find him, though he is not far from each one of us.” — Acts 17:27

 

Thought: Our seeking God longs to be sought! God placed his fingerprints all over the universe and then gave us places to find life and meaning. He had a purpose in this plan: he wanted us to seek the One behind it all. He is never far away from us, but he longs to be sought and found. When we seek after God, we are not only blessing him, we’re also living out our life’s key task.

 

Prayer: Heavenly Father, I long to know you more completely — as the old hymn says to Jesus: “Beyond the sacred page, I seek thee Lord. My spirit pants for thee O living Word.” Loving Father, I ask that your presence would be recognizable in my daily life. I truly want to get to know you, even as I am known by you. In the name of the Savior I pray. Amen.

 

The Thoughts and Prayers for Today’s Verse are written by Phil Ware. You can email questions or comments to phil@heartlight.org.

 

 

BIRTHDAY VERSE” OF THE DAY

The chapter and verse corresponds to the month and the day!

Matthew 9:29 NIV = Then he touched their eyes and said, “According to your faith will it be done to you”;

 

 

TODAY IS WEDNESDAY – SEPTEMBER 30, 2015

(NOTE: Some holidays may be duplicated due to various calendars reporting conflicting dates)
WEIRD, WACKY, STRANGE, ZANY, ODD, BIZARRE, QUIRKY, UNUSUAL HOLIDAYS!
THERE ARE ONLY 86 SHOPPING DAYS UNTIL CHRISTMAS.  

 

 

Today is DO SOMETHING WACKY WITH A GRANDPARENT DAY.  ***MARLAR: Now, I don’t know about you, but I think whacking your grandparents is wrong.

 

Today is NATIONAL MUD PACK DAY. ***MARLAR: Something wacky to do with your grandparents!

 

Today is CHEERS DAY, marking the TV show’s premier on this date in 1982. It was a Boston bar, where everybody knows your name. (

)

 

Today is FLINTSTONES DAY. It debuted in 1960 and was the first prime-time cartoon “for adults.” ***MARLAR: Can anyone sing the ENTIRE Flintstones theme song? (

)

 

FLINTSTONES OPENING LYRICS:

Flintstones, meet the Flintstones
They’re the modern stone-age family
From the town of Bedrock
They’re a page right out of history
Let’s ride with the family down the street
Through the courtesy of Fred’s two feet
When you’re with the Flintstones
Have a yabba-dabba-doo time
A dabba-doo time
You’ll have a gay old time

 

FLINTSTONES CLOSING LYRICS:

Flintstones, meet the Flintstones
They’re the modern stone-age family
From the town of Bedrock
They’re a page right out of history
Some day, maybe Fred will win the fight
And that cat will stay out for the night
When you’re with the Flintstones
Have a yabba-dabba-doo time
A dabba-doo time
You’ll have a gay old time

 

 

TODAY IS ALSO. . .

Ask a Stupid Question Day

Banned Websites Awareness Day

Blasphemy Day

International Translation Day

National Mulled Cider Day

National Women’s Health & Fitness Day

 

 

COMING UP NEXT

(Note: Just because holiday is listed here it does not mean we are endorsing it.)

THURSDAY, OCTOBER 01

CD Player Day

Fire Pup Day

International Day of Older Persons

International Music Day

Model T Day

National Book It! Day

National Lace Day

World Vegetarian Day

National Walk Your Dog Day

 

FRIDAY, OCTOBER 02

Weird Darkness Day

Guardian Angels Day

International Day of Non-Violence

National Custodial Workers Day

Phileas Fogg’s Wager Day

World Farm Animals Day

Lee’s National Denim Day

National Diversity Day

World Smile Day

 

SATURDAY, OCTOBER 03

Cephalopod Awareness Day

Inter-American Water Day

World Card Making Day

 

SUNDAY, OCTOBER 04

Blessing of The Animals Day (Blessing of the Pets Day/World Pet Day)

Improve Your Office Day

Kanelbullens Dog

National Taco Day

National Shop in a Bottle Day

Ten-Four Day

Vodka Day

World Animal Day

International Blessings of the Fishing Fleet Day

Change a Light Day

Country Inn Bed & Breakfast Day

Intergeneration Day

International African Diaspora Day

World Communion Day

 

MONDAY, OCTOBER 05

Child Health Day

Day of Unity

International Day of No Prostitution

Techie’s Day

World Day of Architecture

World Day of Bullying Prevention / Blue Shirt Day

World Habitat Day

World Teachers Day

 

TUESDAY, OCTOBER 06

Ecological Debt Day

Jackie Mayer Rehab Day

Mad Hatter Day

American Libraries Day

 

WEDNESDAY, OCTOBER 07

Balloons Around the World Day

Emergency Nurses Day

National Kale Day

Pet Obesity Awareness Day ***Your cat insisting it only be fed lasagna is a pretty good indicator.

Walk To School Day

You Matter To Me Day

 

 

ON THIS DAY

1939: “Captain Midnight” debuted on the Mutual Radio Network. The show became so popular with after-school listeners, Ovaltine dropped “Little Orphan Annie” and switched exclusively to “Captain Midnight.”

 

1951: Billy Graham’s “Hour of Decision” debuted on ABC-TV. It aired on Sunday nights through February 1954, then went into syndication.

 

1955: Actor James Dean Byron was killed when his Porsche Spyder 550 collided with another car on Highway 66 near Paso Robles, California. Dean’s passenger Roth Weutherich recovered.

 

1960: The last “Howdy Doody” show was televised. Clarabell the Clown spoke for the first time ever and said, “Goodbye, kids.”

 

1960: The first prime-time cartoon for adults, “The Flintstones,” premiered on ABC-TV. Alan Reed was the voice of Fred Flintstone; Jean Vander Pyl was Wilma and Pebbles; Mel Blanc was Barney Rubble and Dino the Dinosaur; Bea Benaderet was Betty; and Don Messick was Bamm Bamm. (

)

 

1971: 105-year-old Ralph Cambridge married 70-year-old Adriana Kapp in Knysna, South Africa.

 

1971: The Washington Senators played their last game in Washington before moving to Arlington, Texas. They were forced to forfeit the game to the New York Yankees when fans stormed the field trying to take souvenirs.

 

1972: Roberto Clemente got his 3,000th and last hit for the Pittsburgh Pirates. He was killed in a plane crash three months later.

 

1984: The crime drama “Murder, She Wrote” debuted on CBS-TV. It starred Angela Lansbury for 12 seasons. (

)

 

1988: With Mike Tyson sitting beside her, actress Robin Givens said in a television interview that Tyson was a manic-depressive and that she was afraid of him. ***MARLAR: Knowing his culinary preferences, I don’t blame her.

 

1999: The San Francisco Giants lost to the Los Angeles Dodgers 9 to 4 in the last baseball game at Candlestick Park.

 

2002: A man was charged with criminal mischief after he attempted, unsuccessfully, to bungee jump from a Vancouver bridge to the deck of a passing cruise ship. The jumper miscalculated the ship’s speed and suffered minor head injuries when he bounced off its tennis court, volleyball net and a deck railing before being left dangling in mid-air as the ship sailed away.

 

2004: Merck & Company announced a voluntary worldwide withdrawal of the arthritis and pain medication drug Vioxx. Clinical trials showed an increased risk of heart attack and stroke after 18 months of use.

 

2005: A U.N. health official warned that bird flu could spread to humans at any time, killing anywhere from 5 million to 150 million people.

 

 

TODAY IN CHRISTIAN HISTORY

420: Jerome, translator of the Bible into Latin (Vulgate) and producer of Bible commentaries, dies while at work on a commentary on Ezekiel.

 

1228: Stephen Langton, Archbishop of Canterbury dies. Langton was one of the chief theologians at the University of Paris prior to becoming archbishop. He developed the chapter divisions for the Bible we use today.

 

1770: Having preached his last sermon the evening before, English revivalist George Whitefield dies.

 

 

HOLLYWOOD, SPORTS AND CELEBRITY FIGURE BIRTHDAYS

  • actress (Mean Girls, Daddy Daycare, Party of Five, Penny in the movie Lost in Space) Lacey Chabert 33
  • actor (Igby Goes Down, The Cider House Rules, Father of the Bride) Kieran Culkin 33
  • actress (“Dharma & Greg,” Loony Tunes Back In Action) Jenna Elfman 44 (
    )
  • Actress (The Matrix Reloaded, The Passion of the Christ) Monica Bellucci, 51
  • actress (“Wings”) Crystal Bernard 54 (
    )
  • Actor (“Chicago Hope”, The Prophecy) Eric Stoltz, 54
  • actress (“The Nanny”) Fran Drescher is 58 (
    )
  • Actor (“The Brady Bunch’s” Greg Brady) Barry Williams, 61 (
    )

 

 

BEE-BOP BIRTHDAYS

(Music Artist Birthdays From SongFacts.com)

1922 : Oscar Pettiford

1933 : Cissy Houston

1935 : Johnny Mathis;

1942 : Dewey Martin (Buffalo Springfield)

1942 : Frankie Lymon

1942 : Gus Dudgeon

1943 : Marily McCoo (The 5th Dimension)

1946 : Sylvia Peterson (The Chiffons)

1947 : Marc Bolan (T-Rex)

1952 : John Lombardo (10,000 Maniacs)

1953 : Deborah Allen

1954 : Patrice Rushen

1956 : Basia

1964 : Robby Takac (The Goo Goo Dolls)

 

 

SECRETS OF THE UNIVERSE

Why do golf balls have dimples?

Golf balls are covered with dimples for the same reason that tennis balls are covered with fuzz — it helps them fly farther. When a ball travels rapidly through air, the air is pushed apart by the ball. The air joins back together behind the ball, but the joining is full of eddies and turbulence. The turbulent wake reduces the pressure behind the ball, pulling it back and slowing it down. The dimples on a golf ball (and the fuzz on a tennis ball) trap a thin layer of turbulent air all around the ball, even wrapping it around the trailing half. Because the turbulent layer is very thin, the air joins together more smoothly behind the ball, creating a smaller wake. The ball feels less backward drag, and it flies farther.

 

 

CHRISTIAN ARTIST NEWS

Do you like the Christian Artist News you see below? It’s just a tiny sample of the 5-6 pages of material you could be receive every weekday… and it’s FREE! Become one of their subscribers at ChristianRadioShowPrepServices.com!

 

Switchfoot front man Jon Foreman will be playing 25 shows in 24 hours on October 24. The series of shows will highlight his solo The Wonderlands series and will take place in Jon’s home town of San Diego. Now fans are being invited along. Jon is offering a VIP package that includes exclusive access to all 25 of the shows.

http://landofbrokenhearts.org/archive/2015/09/the-wonderlands-record-25-shows-in-24-hours/

 

Danny Gokey says singing and fair food are a few of his favorite things. Over the weekend he got to combine them!

 

Casting Crowns Jaun Devevo has an interesting dilemma: All of the sudden, I’m readin the instructions with a southern accent.

 

Chris August says he loves the new Tobymac song Feel It. In fact, Chris likes the song so much he did an acoustic cover of it. Check out Chris as he sings and plays all the parts.

https://youtu.be/6w6zJdX5WvM

 

Jamie Grace has mixed loyalities. When faced with her home town Atlanta Falcons taking on her beloved Dallas Cowboys Jamie tweeted: dear Atlanta. you have been my home since I was 1. thank you for being the best. but know, this girl is for the dallas cowboys. that is all.

 

Audrey Assad tweeted over the weekend: If I could pick one hashtag for my whole life, taking into account all my years and experiences, it would be allergies.

 

 

WEIRD & WACKY

Monkey has fun on the loose in Orlando suburb    photo
SANFORD, Fla. (AP) — A monkey that escaped its owner’s home in an Orlando, Florida, suburb chewed on its neighbors’ mail, pulled molding off a police car and rocked back and forth on a street sign. Zeek was eventually caught when his owner returned home a short time later. Sanford police…

 

Cops: Owner puts dog into idle truck, dog sends it into lake
ELLSWORTH, Maine (AP) — Police say a dog alone in a pickup had to be rescued after it caused the truck to go into a lake in Maine. Ellsworth Police say a man was walking the dog near Branch Lake on Saturday afternoon in Ellsworth. He put the dog into the truck after an encounter with another…
New Jersey woman told to quiet down her parrots
AVALON, N.J. (AP) — A New Jersey woman must get her two parrots to quiet down after the birds gave someone something to squawk about. Elaine Scattergood was ticketed in May after someone complained that her birds, Edmund and Arthur, were too loud. HASH(0x140ddd0) A judge on Monday told…
Loose emu recognizes owner, returns home in back of a Prius    photo
BOW, N.H. (AP) — An emu famous for running wild through New Hampshire for more than a week has been reunited with its owner and returned home safely to Vermont in the back of a Toyota Prius. HASH(0x1402530) Maria Colby, manager of the wildlife rehabilitation center, said she knew the emu was…
Motorist sets lighter to spider at gas station, burns pump
CENTER LINE, Mich. (AP) — A man with an apparent case of arachnophobia caused a fire at a suburban Detroit gas pump by putting a lighter to what he says was a spider near his fuel door. HASH(0x1400c10) The motorist can be heard on the surveillance video at the Center Line station asking: “Is…
Marijuana bundle drops from sky, slams into family’s carport
Maya Donnelly awoke to what sounded like thunder in the early morning hours, but dismissed it as a typical monsoon storm and went back to sleep. Later that morning, she looked in the carport at her home in Nogales, near the U.S.-Mexico border, and saw pieces of wood on the ground. She found a bulky…
Ohio man plans to jump rope Akron marathon for world record
AKRON, Ohio (AP) — An Ohio runner plans to jump rope the Akron marathon in his quest for a Guinness world record. David Livingston of Wooster has been training for several months for the attempt, which involves continually swinging the rope over the 26.2-mile course. HASH(0x13d12d0)…
Police: Man throws fit at McDonald’s over botched order
CARLSBAD, N.M. (AP) — A McDonald’s customer in New Mexico was not loving it when employees mistakenly put pickles on his order. Police in Carlsbad say officers had to squash a public disturbance at the fast-food restaurant after the customer began harassing employees over the mistake. Workers…
Giant pumpkin stolen from South Dakota yard in ‘brazen’ move
SPEARFISH, S.D. (AP) — Matthew Murraine wants to know who swiped his 100-pound pumpkin. Murraine has been growing a type of large pumpkin at his home in Spearfish, South Dakota, this summer. Last Friday, someone stole the largest one in a heist Murraine believes was carefully planned….
Escaped tarantula grounds plane near Baltimore
LINTHICUM, Md. (AP) — A tarantula that escaped in the cargo hold of a passenger flight from Maryland’s BWI airport to Atlanta grounded the plane before it could take off and sent passengers onto another flight. Brian Kruse, spokesman for Delta Air Lines, tells The Baltimore Sun…
Polish army checks site of alleged tunnel with Nazi train    photo
WARSAW, Poland (AP) — The Polish military on Monday deployed chemical, radiation and explosives experts to a site in southwestern Poland where a Nazi train allegedly missing since World War II could be located. Tomasz Smolarz, the governor of Lower Silesia, said the aim of the work in the…

 

 

 

HEALTH & FITNESS

Gene test finds which breast cancer patients can skip chemo    photo
Many women with early-stage breast cancer can skip chemotherapy without hurting their odds of beating the disease — good news from a major study that shows the value of a gene-activity test to gauge each patient’s risk. The test accurately identified a group of women whose cancers are so…

 

Nonprofits seek Supreme Court review of contraceptives case    photo
WASHINGTON (AP) — Religion, birth control and President Barack Obama’s health care overhaul are about to collide at the Supreme Court yet again. Faith-affiliated charities, colleges and hospitals that oppose some or all contraception as immoral are battling the administration over rules that…
Study: Breast cancer detection not better with computer aid
CHICAGO (AP) — Computer-assisted detection used in most U.S. mammograms adds no benefit to breast cancer screening while substantially increasing costs, a large study suggests. Some previous research said computer technology could serve almost as a second set of eyes for doctors. The…
Planned Parenthood makes first Hill appearance since videos    photo
WASHINGTON (AP) — In Planned Parenthood’s first congressional appearance since being embarrassed by surreptitiously recorded videos, the organization’s president said she is “proud” of its provision of fetal tissue for research but also sought to minimize the organ donations as a small part…
Don’t get drunk: advice college kids may not get from docs    photo
CHICAGO (AP) — Government researchers say “deplorably” few college students are warned by doctors about the danger from alcohol and drugs or encouraged to reduce drinking or substance use. Their survey suggests that most doctors ask college students and other young adults about alcohol or…
Bill Gates and UN say malaria could be eradicated by 2040    photo
LONDON (AP) — Malaria could be wiped out by 2040, despite the lack of an effective vaccine, previous failed attempts to eradicate the disease and drug resistance problems, the United Nations and Microsoft founder Bill Gates said in a report released on Monday. Gates and Ray Chambers, the U.N….
Dating apps fire back at billboards linking STD spread
LOS ANGELES (AP) — An AIDS health care group is defending an ad campaign in Los Angeles that links popular dating apps with the spread of sexual transmitted diseases. The AIDS Healthcare Foundation targets Tinder, a location-based dating app and Grindr, a similar site for gay men, in…
Amid VW scandal, polluted Paris asks if time to dump diesel    photo
PARIS (AP) — Guidebooks rarely mention it, but Paris is one of the most polluted cities in the rich world. The Eiffel Tower is periodically shrouded in smog, and there’s one key culprit: France’s disproportionately heavy reliance on diesel fuel. Critics are increasingly questioning the need…
US aims to cut HIV infections in young women in Africa    photo
WASHINGTON (AP) — The Obama administration is announcing a $300 million program to drastically reduce HIV infections in girls and young woman in 10 sub-Saharan African nations hard hit by the virus. Administration officials are aiming for a 25 percent infection reduction in females between…
Planned Parenthood president ‘proud’ of fetal tissue work
WASHINGTON (AP) — In Planned Parenthood’s first congressional appearance since the release of undercover videos, the group’s president is defending its provision of fetal tissue for researchers and castigating Republicans for not investigating the anti-abortion activists who furtively made…
Fraud case alleges hundreds of surgeries by non-doctor    photo
LOS ANGELES (AP) — The patient was unconscious and ready for surgery, but the doctor was not in. Instead of the Stanford- and Harvard-trained orthopedic surgeon who was supposed to perform the operation, the patient got a physician assistant who would do the cutting while the doctor and other…

 

 

 

NEWS KICKERS

(None on the weekends)

 

NEW NEWS KICKERS…

A 16-year-old Michigan girl is in triple trouble after she allegedly faked a pregnancy for 10 months. The girl had announced she was pregnant with three babies and planned on naming them Ivan, Alice and Isabella. The girl’s family became suspicious after nine months when no babies arrived. Turns out the teen’s ultrasound photos were identical to those sold at a prank website called FakeABaby.com that also sells fake bellies and DNA tests.  ***So if you REALLY WANT TO SCARE your special fella this Halloween, that website again is www.FakeABaby.com!

 

Researchers from the University of Virginia report that old age begins in our late 20s. After testing a group of men and women over a seven-year period, the scientists determined that our mental abilities start to decline at age 27, after peaking at 22.  *** And I was a complete moron at the age of 22.  Thank goodness for radio!

 

A survey asked 300 workers to name their biggest time wasters. Only five percent respondents cited Facebook, Twitter or another social media platform as their number one time waster. The biggest culprit in the wasting of time: chatting with coworkers.  ***A close second – chatting with co-workers… on Facebook and Twitter.

 

A company is currently in the process of developing a version of Tinder for Catholics.  *** Apparently someone is ignoring that whole “thou shalt not commit adultery” thing.  And that “thou shalt not covet” thing.

 

Liquid water flows on present-day Mars. Researchers using the Mars Reconnaissance Orbiter detected signatures of hydrated minerals on slopes where mysterious dark streaks are seen on the Red Planet. Scientists say it’s likely a shallow subsurface flow, with enough water wicking to the surface to explain the darkening.  ***This is exciting news for scientists, as it means we’ve found another planet with water that we can pollute once we’ve destroyed Earth.

 

 

NEWS KICKER EVERGREENS…

The current fitness wisdom is that to build muscle size, you need to lift heavy weights. But a new study at Canada’s McMaster University found that a similar degree of muscle bulk can be achieved by using lighter weights. The secret is not the size of the weight you lift, but stimulating muscles and pumping iron until your muscles become fatigued.  ***MARLAR: So if I lift slice of pizza to my mouth dozens of times, it’s like being Arnold Schwarzenegger!

 

According to a study from the University of Texas, the best food to eat after working out is a bowl of healthy cereal with non-fat milk.  ***MARLAR: Or you can dip your energy bar in Gatorade.

 

Married Americans are now, for the first time, a minority of the population. 50.2% of 248 million Americans over 16 are single, a first since they started tracking the information in 1976. The “never-married” population has risen from 22.1% in 1976 to 30.4% today, while divorced, separated, or widowed Americans went from 15.3% to 20%.  ***MARLAR: Not to worry though – babies born out of wedlock are also way up, so it all works out.  No… wait…

 

What would you rather find on your hotel pillow — a chocolate or a sleeping pill? A poll conducted for Starwood Hotels and Resorts finds almost half of those asked would opt for a pill. Research firm Studylogic surveyed 12,500 adults who take an average of at least two trips a year. ***MARLAR: How about a third choice… chocolate covered sleeping pills.

 

 

WONDER WOMAN

CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD TODAY’S EPISODE… “Get Off Non-Stop Flight”

 

 

DAILY COMEDY CLIP

CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD TODAY’S EPISODE… Ken Davis, “Flying”

 

 

AS THE JUNGLE TURNS – WEEKDAY VERSION

CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD WEDNESDAY’S EPISODE
OPEN: And now, FancyMonkey.com, (Show Name), and (Station Call Letters) bring you As the Jungle Turns! Last time, Katie Snuffleson was eating all the candy she wanted in the cloud city of Candyland over Razzleflabbin Island. Unfortunately, she’s eaten a bit too much candy – and now the clouds are slowly losing their grip on her, she’s too heavy, and is beginning to fall from the sky to the ocean below!

 

CLOSE: Tune in again next time, as FancyMonkey.com, (Show Name), and (Station Call Letters) bring you another inspiringly inspiring inspirational story in the never-ending deep-jungle soap-opera saga that is As the Jungle Turns!

 

 

AS THE JUNGLE TURNS – SATURDAY/SUNDAY VERSION

CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD THE EPISODE FOR THE WEEKEND OF OCTOBER 03/04, 2015
OPEN: And now, FancyMonkey.com, (Show Name), and (Station Call Letters) bring you As the Jungle Turns! When last we left the jungle, Gruffy Bear insisted on looking at picnic spot after picnic spot after picnic spot in order to find the perfect place to have an ultimate picnic. Unfortunately, he wasn’t listening to anybody else’s opinions, and everyone else is tired, hungry, and they’ve had enough…

 

CLOSE: All of this over finding a nice place for a picnic? Find out what happens next time, As the Jungle Turns!

 

***You may simulcast “As the Jungle Turns” on the Internet stream of your live broadcast only. Any other Internet use of As the Jungle Turns in whole or part including podcasting of your live broadcast is a violation of copyright law. Thank you for your cooperation on this vitally important issue. If you have any questions, please e-mail us.

 

 

MOMENT OF DUH

There was no “Day After Tomorrow” for Charles Alton Adams’ mobile home! 

…the Georgia man told police he set his home on fire after watching the disaster movie.  After watching “The Day After Tomorrow,” a special-effects extravaganza depicting deadly natural disasters caused by global warming, the man set fire to pillows on his bed.  Adams was been charged with arson.  ***MARLAR: He’ll still be in jail the day after tomorrow.

 

 

TOP TEN

TOP TEN SIGNS THAT YOU’RE A BAD COOK

 

1.You call your mother to ask how long to boil cabbage to make cole slaw.

 

  1. The smoke alarm beeps if you even walk near the stove.

 

  1. You turn the bowl of rice casserole upside down and nothing gets spilled

 

  1. It takes a hammer and chisel to remove said casserole from the dish.

 

  1. Your family buys Pepto and Tums in bulk.

 

  1. Your food melts plastic and silverware.

 

  1. You really have messed up a salad.

 

  1. The dog goes to the neighbors’ to eat.

 

  1. Your family automatically heads for the dinner table every time they hear a firetruck siren.

 

  1. There are bones in your toast.

 

 

THE FILES OF LAW & DISORDER

A perfectly planned robbery is foiled by the robber himself! That story and others coming up in the files of Law & Disorder!

 

FILE #1: A Wisconsin man held up a bank after meticulously planning the whole robbery. He made sure there were no fingerprints on the holdup note, that he obscured his face from the cameras, that the teller’s window had no alarm and that the money taken did not include an exploding red dye booby trap. But, according to a police officer who saw him casually walking down the street after the robbery, he was carrying two large money bags, with the name of the bank clearly visible on both bags.

 

FILE #2: Brazilian police reportedly have caught up with a motorist who owes the equivalent of nearly $2 million in unpaid traffic fines. Folha OnLine said police stopped a 36-year-old man on Wednesday night and discovered he has been ticketed nearly 1,000 times since 2001, the year he bought his current car. Folha OnLine said the accumulated fines for speeding and running red lights total 3.4 million reals ($1.9 million). The man said he never received the tickets because he was always too busy to register the car in his name. Folha OnLine said the car is worth about $6,600 and was impounded. It will be auctioned unless the man comes up with the money he owes.

 

FILE #3: It’s usually a good idea to put on your disguise before entering the place you intend to rob. From Elkhorn, Wisconsin comes the story of Gail Fontayne who walked into a convenience store carrying a rifle and a ski mask. She headed for the back of the store where she tried to put the mask on. Needless to say her bumbling attracted some attention, causing her to make a quick change of plans. She claimed that she was carrying a gun because she had just come from skeet shooting and, as for the mask, she was just trying it on. Didn’t work. She’s been charged with attempted robbery.

 

STRANGE LAW: In Vermont, women must obtain written permission from their husbands to wear false teeth.

 

 

THIS IS YOUR BRAIN ON DRUGS

It’s usually a good idea to stop and rest if you’re tired on the road.  But if you’re tired while robbing a place, it might be best to wait until later to take that nap.

A trail of pillows and backpacks led police to two sleeping men who were arrested after a department store break-in. Kyle Burress and Allen Pierce were charged with second-degree burglary. When cops discovered the July 9th break-in at a Fred Meyer department store northeast of Seattle, they followed a trail of goods that led to the two men. One was sleeping in a stolen hammock and the other on a pile of stolen pillows. Police photographed the men before waking and arresting them.  Not surprisingly, alcohol was involved.

 

 

PHONER PHUN

Fundraising… most everyone could use a little right now. What successful thing did your organization, church, or group do for a fundraiser that you’d recommend to others?

 

 

BIBLE BRAIN BUSTER!

QUESTION: The Ark of the Testimony or Covenant was covered with what color cloth when it was moved?
ANSWER: Blue (Numbers 4:5,6)

 

 

QUESTION IMPOSSIBLE

QUESTION: In what year was the first telephone answering machine created?
ANSWER: 1950 – Bell Laboratories introduced the first telephone answering machine.  ***MARLAR: It was the last time anyone in the country ever answered their phone without screening calls.

 

 

TRUE OR FALSE

Pay attention! If our next player doesn’t answer all ten T/F questions correctly we start all over from question #1! First person to answer question #10 correctly is our winner!

 

  1. Rubbing a pencil tip on a stuck zipper will usually un-jam it. (True! The lead is a graphite that works as a lubricant.)

 

  1. The average parent spends more on their children’s birthdays than Christmas or Chanukah. (False, the holidays rule!)

 

  1. Every gallon of sea water contains about a quarter pound of salt. (True)

 

  1. Coca-Cola uses more sugar and vanilla than any other food manufacturer. (True)

 

  1. Cattle can be identified by their noseprints. (True)

 

  1. A leaky faucet with an opening the size of a pin will waste 170 gallons of water every 24 hours. (True)

 

  1. 52% of all forms of life that have existed on Earth are now extinct. (False. It’s actually 95%)

 

  1. Canada’s coastline is six times longer than Australia’s. (True)

 

  1. Only first-generation offspring of Holstein cows have the same pattern of spots. (False. No two are the same.)

 

  1. One fourth of all garbage is packaging. (False. One-third is)

 

 

TABLOID MATCH GAME

You have to match the blank in the tabloid headline with the word or phrase that has been removed!

PLANET ZEEBA IS ________ (PINK)

Astronomers have discovered a pink  planet and have identified it as… Planet Zeeba.

NASA scientists have been searching for Planet Zeeba for decades.  And now they have found it orbiting a star like our sun, just outside the Milky Way. Astronomers were not surprised to learn that Planet Zeeba – known as “the friendliest planet in the galaxy” is pink.

Planet Zeeba is the lowest-mass planet ever detected around a star using direct imaging techniques, but it is still several times the mass of Jupiter and similar in size. So, it’s big AND pink.

Kip McTwigan, a member of the discovery team at NASA’s Goddard Space Flight Centre in Greenbelt, Maryland, said: ‘If we could travel to this giant planet, we would see a world still glowing from the heat of its formation with a color reminiscent of a dark cherry blossom, a bright pink.”

Pink planet Zeeba lies at a projected distance of 43.5 astronomical units from its star – which is around one-and-a-half times the distance Neptune is from our sun.

The average temperature on Zeeba is reportedly 75 degrees Fahrenheit, which makes it the ideal weather, especially considering it looks like it only gets rain 20-30 days a year – which is longer on Zeeba.

As reported on WWN for the last two years, aliens from Planet Zeeba are on our planet, and have come here to help stop us from destroying our own planet and protect us from the aggressive, belligerent aliens from Planet Gootan.

 

 

THE WAY TOO EARLY IN THE MORNING TO UNDERSTAND THE PUNCHLINE EVEN AFTER TWO CUPS OF COFFEE JOKE OF THE DAY

JOKE #1

A woman, on meeting a psychologist at a party, made a pitch for some free professional advice. “What kind of toy would you suggest giving a little boy on his third birthday?” she asked.

“First I’d have to know more about the child,” the psychologist hedged.

The woman took a deep breath. “He’s very bright and quick-witted and exceptionally advanced for his age,” she said. “He has good coordination, expresses himself very well…”

“Oh, I see,” the psychologist said. “It’s YOUR child!”

 

JOKE #2

Showing his friend around his home, Fred started to point out all of the collectibles he and his wife had acquired over their long years of marriage.

“The day before I die, I’d like to sell every piece we’ve got just to see how much it’s all worth.”

“But you couldn’t possibly know the day before you were going to die, so how could you sell it.”

“Simple: If I sell it, my wife would kill me!”

 

JOKE #3

My friend’s father is a locksmith in a resort town. Once he saw a group of beach goers park near his shop and dump trash from their car on his property.

As soon as they were out of sight, he picked the lock on their car door, put the garbage back inside and relocked their car.

 

 

USELESS FACTS

It turns out that Apple CEO Steve Jobs, the man behind the iPod and the iPhone, had a phobia about buttons. ***MARLAR: Isn’t that like a NASCAR driver saying he’s frightened of left turns?

 

A recent survey found that one-quarter of Americans are bilingual. ***MARLAR: The rest of the country is still wondering what “bilingual” means.

 

 

FEATURED FUNNIES

ORGANIZED?
Jerry’s sister was bemoaning the fact that she had procrastinated cleaning and organizing her house for a long time. Since she was planning to entertain, she felt a lot of pressure to get moving. That afternoon she phoned, sounding glum. “I went to the bookstore,” she explained. “And I bought a book on how to get organized.I was all fired up, and decided to clean out all the shelves in the living room. While I was working, I found the same book. I had bought it a couple of years ago.”

 

 

IT MUST BE TRUE BECAUSE I HEARD IT ON THE RADIO!

A letter sent to William Reynolds gave him the bad news that he was no longer eligible for a tax benefit.

The reason? Because he was dead. Reynolds, who passed away seven years ago, had a letter sent to him that read: “Your council tax benefit has been stopped … because there has been a change in your circumstances; the change is because you are dead.” It wasn’t all bad news for him, though. The letter did mention that he could still qualify for the benefit, but he would have to contact their offices immediately to obtain a new application.

 

 

INSPIRATIONAL INSPIRATION

WHEN TO PRAY
A little girl who suffered greatly during thunderstorms was told by her mother to pray when she was alarmed.
One day at the close of a fearful storm she came to her mother with the information that praying during the danger brought her no relief.
“Then,” said her mother, “try praying when the sun shines, and see if that will take away the fear.”
The child did so, and when another storm was raging she said sweetly:–
“Pray when the sun shines is the best way, for I am not the least bit afraid now.”
What a lesson we who are older might learn from this incident! How often do we stay away from our Master until the storms of life drive us to Him for shelter and protection!
If we could only give our best, our brightest days to his service, we would have no cause to tremble when the dark hours come on. How very much we miss by not having Jesus to go with us through all our earthly pilgrimage!

 

 

DRIVE TIME DEVOTIONAL

SOMETHING FOR NOTHING

Why do you spend money for what is not bread, and your wages for what does not satisfy? —Isaiah 55:2

During a long layover at an airport, I noticed that one business in the main terminal attracted more people than any other. For hours, a steady stream of customers approached with cash in hand, stood in line, made a purchase, and left quickly. All seemed to know exactly what they wanted.

The thriving business was a lottery sales office. Even though the chance of winning the big powerball jackpot was 1 in 146 million, people seemed compelled to spend something and, in almost every case, get nothing. It seemed to be a vivid picture of our enduring quest for satisfaction and security in material things.

When God questioned His people through the prophet Isaiah, He asked why they spent their money for things that neither nourished nor satisfied them. The Lord invited those who had no resources to “come, buy wine and milk without money and without price. . . . And let your soul delight itself in abundance. Incline your ear, and come to Me” (Isa. 55:1-3).

God offers to give us what we can’t buy—mercy, pardon, and a changed life infused with His presence. He invites us to “Seek the Lord while He may be found” (v.6).

By God’s grace, we can freely receive His something—for nothing. —David C. McCasland

 

Marvelous, infinite, matchless grace,
Freely bestowed on all who believe!
You that are longing to see His face,
Will you this moment His grace receive? —Johnston

 

God’s grace accepted is God’s peace experienced.

 

 

LEFTOVERS

GOOD GIG

Joining the circus ain’t all it’s cut out to be – especially if “cut out” means daggers are being thrown at you!  One man recently landed that gig – and you can imagine how nervous he might be going in for his first day of work!
After an audition, Stephen Smith landed the job he was looking for with the Cottle & Austen Circus in England. Stephen is now the knife-thrower’s assistant. Which means he doesn’t hand the knife thrower the knives. No, Stephen stands in front of the target and prays the thrower of the knives doesn’t miss!   Or prays that he WILL miss – I guess it depends on how you look at it.  The job involves standing against a board 3 ft wide and facing 10 knives thrown at speeds of around 60 mph twice a day, six days a week. Smith, a former trampoline champion, was previously out of work and is excited about his new job. “I’m not nervous at all. It’s all positive thoughts I’m having. I really want to go for it, I really want to show the crowd that I can perform.”

 

 

LIFE… LIVE IT

Stuck in the Kitchen For 2 1/2 Years??

The average woman spends two-and-a-half years of her adult life cooking. The average man, by comparison, spends just 1.4 years in the kitchen. The survey showed that though the figure had halved in the last 50 years, it’s still primarily women who prepare most of the family meals. Kitchen appliance manufacturer Breville found that 75 percent of meals are prepared by women. More than eight out of ten women spend an hour or more cooking after work, and can spend double the amount of time in the kitchen at weekends. That adds up to approximately nine hours of cooking every week — and a total of 2.51 years preparing food between the ages of 18 and 65. (Daily Mail)

 

 

JUST FOR FUN

STRESS SHRINKS THE BRAIN

Feeling stressed? Well STOP IT! It could be shrinking your brain! Both science and the Bible say so!

In Jesus’ famous Sermon on the Mount, His advice included not to worry so much about where food and clothing will come from. He said to first seek the kingdom of God, and God’s righteousness, and the other things would be provided. (Matthew 6:26-34) New evidence shows that Jesus’ advice not to worry was a pearl of wisdom long before its time. It seems that fretting and worrying may make your brain shrink faster than normal. Our brains start to shrink after adolescence, and scientists have suspected that worry and stress could quicken the process. New Scientist (8 September 2001) reports that Brian Knutson and colleagues at the National Institute on Alcohol Abuse and Alcoholism near Washington DC have found a link between shrinking brains and neurotic behavior. They measured brain shrinkage in 86 people and found what they describe as a “significant link.” Knutson said his best advice was to quote the title of Bobby McFerrin’s song, “Don’t worry, be happy.”

 

 

FUN LIST

BECAUSE I’M A GUY…

  • …I must hold the television remote control in my hand while I watch TV. If the thing has been misplaced, I’ll miss a whole show looking for it, though one time I was able to survive by holding a calculator.
  • …when I lock my keys in the car, I will fiddle with a wire clothes hanger and ignore your suggestions that we call road service until long after hypothermia has set in. Oh, and when the car isn’t running very well, I will pop the hood and stare at the engine as if I know what I’m looking at. If another guy shows up, one of us will say to the other, “I used to be able to fix these things, but now with all these computers and everything, I wouldn’t know where to start.”
  • …when I catch a cold I need someone to bring me soup and take care of me while I lie in bed and moan. You never get as sick as I do, so for you this isn’t an issue.
  • …I can be relied upon to purchase basic groceries at the store, like milk, or bread. I cannot be expected to find exotic items like “Cumin” or “Tofu.” For all I know these are the same thing. And never, under any circumstances, expect me to pick up a copy of “Parenting” or “Better Homes & Gardens.”
  • …when one of our appliances stops working, I will insist on taking it apart, despite evidence that this will just cost me twice as much once the repair person gets here and has to put it back together.
  • …I don’t think we’re all that lost, and no, I don’t think we should stop and ask someone. Why would you listen to a complete stranger–how could HE know where we’re going?
  • …I do NOT want to visit your mother, or have your mother come visit us, or talk to her when she calls, or think about her any more than I have to. Whatever you got her for Mother’s day is okay. I don’t need to see it. Did you remember to pick up something for my mom, too?
  • …you don’t have to ask me if I liked the movie. Chances are, if you’re crying at the end of it, I didn’t.
  • …I think what you’re wearing is fine. I thought what you were wearing five minutes ago was fine, too. Either pair of shoes is fine. With the belt or without it looks fine. Your hair is fine. You look fine. Can we just go now?

 

 

MORE SHOW PREP STUFF…

TO THE MOON AND BACK

Here’s a little known fun fact about the first men to walk on the moon — after the three men came returned to earth, they were asked by customs if they had anything to declare since they left the country. A document from US immigration filled out by the astronauts has been confirmed as genuine by NASA, that the three-man crew of Apollo 11 told customs they were carrying Moon rock and dust samples. Neil Armstrong, Edwin “Buzz” Aldrin and Michael Collins signed a declaration document. They described their flight number as Apollo 11 and their holiday operator as NASA. Their departure point is listed as Moon and the space team declared their luggage contained Moon rock and dust samples. ***MARLAR: They then complained about the rest of their luggage being lost during the flight.

 

 

TOTALLY OUTRAGEOUS!

(Mondays Only)

 

 

OTHER STUFF I WANT TO CRAM INTO TODAY’S PREP

Many schools across the nation are banning students from reading their Bibles during school hours. In response Focus on the Family wants to help “equip the next generation to boldly exercise their religious freedoms.” So they have created “Bring Your Bible to School Day!” October 8th students all across the country are encouraged to celebrate their religious freedoms and show others that they are not ashamed of the Gospel. Focus on the Family has made available free, interactive student-friendly tools that provide a step-by-step guide on participating in Bring Your Bible to School Day and help them to understand our religious freedoms. For tools to help your student go to https://focusonthefamily.webconnex.com/nt-e-bybtsd2015?refcd=292701

 

Andy and Sarah Justice tried to have a baby for years but, when the couple couldn’t get pregnant, they decided to adopt. The Justice’s were selected by a pregnant mother and then found out that she was not going to have one child, she was having three. But the story doesn’t end there. About a week after the triplets were born, Sarah discovered she was pregnant with twins. The couple is now the parents of five little children.

http://www.viralnova.com/the-justice-five/?mb=vnnl&utm_source=Sailthru&utm_medium=email&utm_campaign=ViralNova%20Daily%202015-09-17&utm_term=All%20of%20Viralnova

 

Ethel Weiss has been the owner of Irving’s, a candy and toy shop in Brookline, Massachusetts, since 1939. According to CBS News, the 101 year old still lives next door to the store. Her first customers were kids at a nearby school, and today, she is serving their great grandchildren.

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/entry/candy-shop-ethel-weiss-brookline_55f833f3e4b00e2cd5e7f324

 

 

AND I LEAVE YOU WITH THIS THOUGHT

If we are to learn anything of value from “Star Trek,” it’s that the universe is filled with vastly different styles of foreheads. –Chris Needles

 

 

THE WAY WE WORK

(Updated as it comes available. The Way WE Work is written by Mark Elfstrand from 1160Hope.com in Chicago.)

It Can’t Be This Hard

Today is September 21st. Peace Day. More on that in a moment. But to answer the famous question, “Can’t we all just get along?” The answer is no.
Take this recent story headline from Associated Press: “Burger King to McDonalds: Let’s make a McWhopper.” Full page ads in various newspapers carried the message. A one day truce it was called. For the betterment of mankind, of course.
Burger King was attempting to get a cooperative effort with the “Golden Arches” folk to build a unique combination of a Whopper and a Big Mac. But only for a day. Peace Day.
As the AP story goes, “Burger King is tying the publicity stunt to a nonprofit called Peace One Day, which says it promotes Peace Day. The United Nations created the International Day of Peace in 1981 to coincide with its annual opening session in September. It then designated September 21 as the annual ‘day of non-violence and cease-fire’ in 2001.”
Call it a noble act. Call it promotional gimmickry. Ronald McDonald is not interested in such peace efforts. Ronald may smile at the kids, but not at the competition. Their CEO Steve Easterbrook in responding with a “no way” message, belittled the effort of burger war peace compared to “the real pain and suffering of war.” He then added, “P.S., simple phone call will do next time.” Put that in your Whopper and chew on it for a while. C’mon, man!
Well, I’m in a different kind of battle with the fast food giants. One that pleads for simple, friendly customer service and the basics in operating a restaurant. Allow me to share several examples.
At the McDonald’s I frequently stop at on my way home when my wife is out, most employees give me no welcome greeting. When I pick up my food, no “thank you.” At the Wendy’s near my office, the ketchup containers have been empty twice during the lunch hours I visited. And they were out of napkins. Hello…it’s lunch time. At Culver’s drive through, my last three meals came with no napkins. And the latest: on Friday night, my wife had a hankering for KFC grilled chicken. It was during the dinner hours but none was available. They were cooking it. Instead of serving it.
One of my favorites on this list happened a week or so ago taking our granddaughter to IKEA. They served up chicken fingers which yearned for barbecue sauce. Except…there wasn’t any. Inquiring at the counter I was told they’ve been out for a few days. My problem solving went into gear and I suggested that since a Meijer grocery story was two blocks away, maybe they could simply go and buy some until their shipment arrived so as not to disappoint customers. The young woman thought that was a good idea.
Aside from the expected reaction that “Mark, fast food isn’t very good for you anyway” I wish to affirm two companies who seem to get it right the majority of the time. One is Chick Fil A. Their folks go out of their way to make sure I have what I need. And the tireless service motto that they own is, “My pleasure.”
The second high energy, high service minded company is In-N-Out Burger. Mainly located in California, they are a fan favorite and outperform their competitors in serving up burgers and fries. They also are the ones who imprint Bible verse references on their cups and fry containers.
And so it begs the question…how can these two companies do it right so consistently? I believe it is based on a passion for the customer. Yes, you have to have food that people enjoy. All of the fast food companies lay claim to that. But not all can lay claim to placing such emphasis on customer care.
For the record, my father managed several different Perkins restaurants during my growing up years. I worked in all but one. At peak times, customer care can be a real challenge. If it’s your mission, however, you finesse it as needed.
I believe most people want to be treated well. They enjoy being respected when spending their hard earned money for a meal. They respond to people who care.
Jesus of Nazareth advised us this way, “In everything, therefore, treat people the same way you want them to treat you, for this is the Law and the Prophets.” (Luke 7:12 NASB)
Do this, Ronald McDonald, and everyone will enjoy a happy meal.
P.S.: My apologies to any franchise owners or managers who want their employees to serve better.
That’s The Way WE Work.

 

 

THE TICKET Movie Reviews with MARIE ASNER

Marie Asner has been reviewing films for over 30 years. Her outlets include radio, print and Internet. For more in-depth movie reviews of the following films, visit www.Tollbooth.org. Ratings from 1 (Low) to 5 (High).

 

SEPTEMBER 30, 2015…

 

The Walk—Be prepared for vertigo as Joseph Gordon-Levitt portrays tightrope walker, Philippe Petit, who in 1974 walked a tightrope between the Twin Trade Towers in New York City. This was not OK’d by anyone, he just did it. Nerves of steel doesn’t begin to say it all.  Also in the cast are Ben Kingsley and Charlotte Le Bon. “The Walk” is rated PG 13. Rating of 3.

 

OCTOBER 02, 2015…

 

Freeheld  (opening in select cities) Julianne Moore and Ellen Page is about a romance between a  woman and a younger woman and what happens when one is ill.

 

Legend has Emily Browning and Tom Hardy married, though he is a criminal.

 

The Martian stars Matt Damon as a man thought dead and left behind on Mars. Except he is alive.

 

*Sicario starring Emily Blunt is now opening Oct. 2

 

# # # # #

 

 

WARNING:  Don’t believe anything you read on the Internet or email (including stuff you read here) unless you can confirm it with another source, and/or it is consistent with what you already know to be true. The opinions in this publication are not necessarily those of Darren Marlar, Marlar House Entertainment, OnAirPrep.com, or any company or organization affiliated with aforementioned. (Regardless of how stupid you may think those opinions are. So there – nyah!)

Darren Marlar credits all non-original material to the author whenever possible. All other material is original, used with permission, or author unknown. We welcome all comments, questions, and suggestions. Darren can be reached via his website at www.DarrenMarlar.com.