September 30, 2016: Friday ONAIRprep

***DAILY DOSE OF WEIRD NEWS – FREE TO AIR! (Need to receive this earlier than when it’s posted? Get FTP access and receive a fully-produced version FREE with a customized tag specifically for your station or show! Contact me with your ONAIRprep username for details!)

AND NOW… ON WITH THE SHOW!

PRINTER FRIENDLY VERSION: 20160930

WELCOME TO THE SHOW!

Time to rise and shine, gang. Okay okay, if you can’t rise and shine, at least flicker a little so I’ll know you’re out there.

Welcome to (THE JOCK SHOW), where you can have fun–without the inconvenience of having to enjoy yourself.

BIBLE VERSE OF THE DAY

When you go to war against your enemies and see horses and chariots and an army greater than yours, do not be afraid of them, because the LORD your God, who brought you up out of Egypt, will be with you. –Deuteronomy 20:1

Wisdom is a shelter as money is a shelter, but the advantage of knowledge is this: that wisdom preserves the life of its possessor. –Ecclesiastes 7:12

Everyone who does evil hates the light, and will not come into the light for fear that his deeds will be exposed. But whoever lives by the truth comes into the light, so that it may be seen plainly that what he has done has been done through God. — John 3:20-21

[The apostle Paul said] “God did this so that men would seek him and perhaps reach out for him and find him, though he is not far from each one of us.” — Acts 17:27

HEARTLIGHT DAILY VERSE, PRAYER & THOUGHT

(From VerseOfTheDay.com)

He replied, “You give them something to eat.” They answered, “We have only five loaves of bread and two fish — unless we go and buy food for all this crowd.” — Luke 9:13

Thought: I love the way Jesus gets his disciples’ attention. “You feed them, boys!” Of course they knew that they couldn’t! Yet Jesus showed them that if they brought their meager resources to him, they could do amazing things. When the big picnic was over, each of them got to pick up a basket full of leftovers from the table of God’s grace! Let’s remember that it isn’t the challenge or the resources that limit us; it’s our unwillingness to bring what we have to Jesus and trust that he will do something with us to bless others in ways we couldn’t have dreamed! (cf. Ephesians 3:20-21)

Prayer: All praise to you, Abba Father, for your extravagant help and mercy in times of need, for your loving and generous provision in times of want, and your surprising and exciting use of me and the resources you have entrusted to me to accomplish your will. In Jesus’ name I praise you. Amen.

The Thoughts and Prayers for Today’s Verse are written by Phil Ware. You can email questions or comments to phil@heartlight.org.

BIRTHDAY VERSE” OF THE DAY

The chapter and verse corresponds to the month and the day!

Matthew 9:29 NIV = Then he touched their eyes and said, “According to your faith will it be done to you”;

TODAY IS FRIDAY – SEPTEMBER 30, 2016

(NOTE: Some holidays may be duplicated due to various calendars reporting conflicting dates)
WEIRD, WACKY, STRANGE, ZANY, ODD, BIZARRE, QUIRKY, UNUSUAL HOLIDAYS!
THERE ARE ONLY
85 SHOPPING DAYS UNTIL CHRISTMAS.

Today is DO SOMETHING WACKY WITH A GRANDPARENT DAY.  ***Now, I don’t know about you, but I think whacking your grandparents is wrong.

Today is NATIONAL MUD PACK DAY. ***Something wacky to do with your grandparents!

Today is CHEERS DAY, marking the TV show’s premier on this date in 1982. It was a Boston bar, where everybody knows your name. (audio clip)

Today is FLINTSTONES DAY. It debuted in 1960 and was the first prime-time cartoon “for adults.” ***Can anyone sing the ENTIRE Flintstones theme song? (audio clip)

FLINTSTONES OPENING LYRICS:

Flintstones, meet the Flintstones
They’re the modern stone-age family
From the town of Bedrock
They’re a page right out of history
Let’s ride with the family down the street
Through the courtesy of Fred’s two feet
When you’re with the Flintstones
Have a yabba-dabba-doo time
A dabba-doo time
You’ll have a gay old time

FLINTSTONES CLOSING LYRICS:

Flintstones, meet the Flintstones
They’re the modern stone-age family
From the town of Bedrock
They’re a page right out of history
Some day, maybe Fred will win the fight
And that cat will stay out for the night
When you’re with the Flintstones
Have a yabba-dabba-doo time
A dabba-doo time
You’ll have a gay old time

TODAY IS ALSO. . .

Ask a Stupid Question Day

Blasphemy Day

Hug a Vegetarian Day

International Translation Day

National Mulled Cider Day

Save The Koala Day

Support Purple For Platelets Day

Vegan Baking Day

COMING UP NEXT (Just a list, we are not endorsing the holidays posted below.)

SATURDAY, OCTOBER 01

CD Player Day

Cephalopod Awareness Day

Fire Pup Day

Frugal Fun Day

International Day of Older Persons

Inter-American Water Day

International Music Day

Model T Day

National Book It! Day

National Lace Day

National Walk your Dog Day

Vegan Baking Day

World Card Making Day

World Vegetarian Day

SUNDAY, OCTOBER 02

Change a Light Day

Country Inn Bed & Breakfast Day

Guardian Angels Day

Intergeneration Day

International African Diaspora Day

International Blessings of the Fishing Fleet Day

International Day of Non-Violence

Islamic New Year

National Custodial Workers Day

Phileas Fogg’s Wager Day

Rosh Hashanah

World Communion Day

World Farm Animals Day

MONDAY, OCTOBER 03

Child Health Day

Day of Unity

Techie’s Day

World Day of Architecture

World Day of Bullying Prevention (Blue Shirt Day)

World Habitat Day

TUESDAY, OCTOBER 04

Blessing of the Animals Day (Blessing of the Pets Day / World Pet Day)

Improve Your Office Day

Kanelbullens Day (Cinnamon Roll Day)

National Taco Day

National Ship In a Bottle Day

Ten-Four Day

Vodka Day

World Animal Day

WEDNESDAY, OCTOBER 05

Balloons Around The World Day

International Day of No Prostitution

National Kale Day

Pet Obesity Awareness Day

Walk to School Day

World Teachers Day

THURSDAY, OCTOBER 06

American Libraries Day

Ecological Debt Day

Jackie Mayer Rehab Day

Mad Hatter Day

National German-American Day

National Depression Screening Day

FRIDAY, OCTOBER 07

Lee’s National Denim Day

National Diversity Day

National Personal Safety Day

World Smile Day

You Matter To Me Day

SATURDAY, OCTOBER 08

Alvin C. York Day

Fall Astronomy Day

National Motorcycle Ride Day

National Pierogy Day

Universal Music Day

World Octopus Day

SUNDAY, OCTOBER 09

Clergy Appreciation Day

Leif Erikson Day

National Chess Day

National Pro-Life Cupcake Day

Nautilus Day (Cephalopods)

World Post Day

MONDAY, OCTOBER 10

Columbus Day

International Day for Natural Disaster Reduction

International Newspaper Carrier Day

International Stage Management Day

National Handbag Day

National Kick Butt Day

Native American Day

Naval Academy Day

Squid & Cuttlefish Day

ON THIS DAY

1939: “Captain Midnight” debuted on the Mutual Radio Network. The show became so popular with after-school listeners, Ovaltine dropped “Little Orphan Annie” and switched exclusively to “Captain Midnight.”

1951: Billy Graham’s “Hour of Decision” debuted on ABC-TV. It aired on Sunday nights through February 1954, then went into syndication.

1955: Actor James Dean Byron was killed when his Porsche Spyder 550 collided with another car on Highway 66 near Paso Robles, California. Dean’s passenger Roth Weutherich recovered.

1960: The last Howdy Doody show was televised. Clarabell the Clown spoke for the first time ever and said, “Goodbye, kids.”

1960: The first prime-time cartoon for adults, “The Flintstones,” premiered on ABC-TV. Alan Reed was the voice of Fred Flintstone; Jean Vander Pyl was Wilma and Pebbles; Mel Blanc was Barney Rubble and Dino the Dinosaur; Bea Benaderet was Betty; and Don Messick was Bamm Bamm. (audio clip)

1971: 105-year-old Ralph Cambridge married 70-year-old Adriana Kapp in Knysna, South Africa.

1971: The Washington Senators played their last game in Washington before moving to Arlington, Texas. They were forced to forfeit the game to the New York Yankees when fans stormed the field trying to take souvenirs.

1972: Roberto Clemente got his 3,000th and last hit for the Pittsburgh Pirates. He was killed in a plane crash three months later.

1984: The crime drama “Murder, She Wrote” debuted on CBS-TV. It starred Angela Lansbury for 12 seasons. (audio clip)

1988: With Mike Tyson sitting beside her, actress Robin Givens said in a television interview that Tyson was a manic-depressive and that she was afraid of him. ***Knowing his culinary preferences, I don’t blame her.

1999: The San Francisco Giants lost to the Los Angeles Dodgers 9 to 4 in the last baseball game at Candlestick Park.

2002: A man was charged with criminal mischief after he attempted, unsuccessfully, to bungee jump from a Vancouver bridge to the deck of a passing cruise ship. The jumper miscalculated the ship’s speed and suffered minor head injuries when he bounced off its tennis court, volleyball net and a deck railing before being left dangling in mid-air as the ship sailed away.

2004: Merck & Company announced a voluntary worldwide withdrawal of the arthritis and pain medication drug Vioxx. Clinical trials showed an increased risk of heart attack and stroke after 18 months of use.

2005: A U.N. health official warned that bird flu could spread to humans at any time, killing anywhere from 5 million to 150 million people.

TODAY IN CHRISTIAN HISTORY

420: Jerome, translator of the Bible into Latin (Vulgate) and producer of Bible commentaries, dies while at work on a commentary on Ezekiel.

1228: Stephen Langton, Archbishop of Canterbury dies. Langton was one of the chief theologians at the University of Paris prior to becoming archbishop. He developed the chapter divisions for the Bible we use today.

1770: Having preached his last sermon the evening before, English revivalist George Whitefield dies.

HOLLYWOOD, SPORTS AND CELEBRITY FIGURE BIRTHDAYS

  • actress (Mean Girls, Daddy Daycare, Party of Five, Penny in the movie Lost in Space) Lacey Chabert 34
  • actor (Igby Goes Down, The Cider House Rules, Father of the Bride) Kieran Culkin 34
  • actress (“Dharma & Greg,” Loony Tunes Back In Action) Jenna Elfman 45 (audio clip)
  • Actress (The Matrix Reloaded, The Passion of the Christ) Monica Bellucci, 52
  • actress (“Wings”) Crystal Bernard 55 (audio clip)
  • Actor (“Chicago Hope”, The Prophecy) Eric Stoltz, 55
  • actress (“The Nanny”) Fran Drescher is 59 (audio clip)
  • Actor (“The Brady Bunch’s” Greg Brady) Barry Williams, 62 (audio clip)

BEE-BOP BIRTHDAYS

(Music Artist Birthdays From SongFacts.com)

1922 : Oscar Pettiford

1933 : Cissy Houston

1935 : Johnny Mathis;

1942 : Dewey Martin (Buffalo Springfield)

1942 : Frankie Lymon

1942 : Gus Dudgeon

1943 : Marily McCoo (The 5th Dimension)

1946 : Sylvia Peterson (The Chiffons)

1947 : Marc Bolan (T-Rex)

1952 : John Lombardo (10,000 Maniacs)

1953 : Deborah Allen

1954 : Patrice Rushen

1956 : Basia

1964 : Robby Takac (The Goo Goo Dolls)

SECRETS OF THE UNIVERSE

Why do golf balls have dimples?

Golf balls are covered with dimples for the same reason that tennis balls are covered with fuzz — it helps them fly farther. When a ball travels rapidly through air, the air is pushed apart by the ball. The air joins back together behind the ball, but the joining is full of eddies and turbulence. The turbulent wake reduces the pressure behind the ball, pulling it back and slowing it down. The dimples on a golf ball (and the fuzz on a tennis ball) trap a thin layer of turbulent air all around the ball, even wrapping it around the trailing half. Because the turbulent layer is very thin, the air joins together more smoothly behind the ball, creating a smaller wake. The ball feels less backward drag, and it flies farther.

CHRISTIAN ARTIST NEWS

This is just a tiny sample of the 5-6 pages of material you could be receiving three days a week from ChristianRadioShowPrepServices.com!

(NOTHING NEW TODAY SO I’M INCLUDING YESTERDAY’S ENTRIES)

Jordan Feliz is on vocal rest. Late last week he reported: I blew my voice out and have been feeling REALLY tense throughout my neck and throat. Sooooo, I have been on vocal rest. The assumption as of right now is that I have something called a “Vocal Hemorrhage”. At last report Jordan said he is not quite to complete healing but is feeling better. He added: Thanks for all the prayers.

Matthew West will debut his second full-length studio holiday album in October. The project is titled Unto Us: A Christmas Collection. It features ten songs, including five brand new songs and five of Matthews best known Christmas favorites. Matthew says: “Christmas is my favorite time of year, hands down!” “I’ve been known to break out a Christmas record in July, so no one had to twist my arm to make another Christmas project. I love the classics and wanted to include some of them on this project. ‘Silent Night’ and ‘The First Noel’ on this record are two that I’m especially excited about.”

The Afters Josh Havens says it’s a little ironic that his wife’s new vacuum came in a box filled with packing peanuts. When she removed the vacuum all the peanuts came out as well. Jose posted his picture as his kids used the peanuts as indoors snow, creating quite a mess. It looks like she will have a good test run for the new vacuum.

Kutless member James Mead got some new input into his heritage this week. He posted: Apparently I’m a little bit Greek. Just found out tonight.

David Crowder is out with a 60 second video giving a little more insight into the man behind the beard. Check out his thoughts on questions ranging from Favorite Star Wars Character to his first job.  http://ow.ly/nhYp304E7ao

Danny Gokey is in a battle and it isn’t going well. Danny posted this week: Me verses my daughters hair. I lose EVERYTIME!! Attached was a short video as Danny attempts a ponytail. It doesn’t go well.

https://twitter.com/dannygokey/status/780486158593568768/video/1

Mercyme’s Bart Millard had one goal while tweeted during this weeks presidential debate. He posted: All I want is for one of my absurd tweets to scroll across the bottom of CNN!

Hawk Nelson’s Jon Steingard says taxation without representation didn’t end at the revolutionary war. When asked who his favorite candidate is, Jon posted: I’m Canadian so can’t vote. However, Jon quickly added that he has no plans to return to his native country. He said: I still choose San Diego. Grateful to live in this country, truly.

A new release from Chris Tomlin releases next week but it isn’t a new worship album. Instead, Chris will be releasing a new children’s book called Good, Good Father.

Aaron Shust is rehearsing this week for a new album. He will be recording the new live record in Franklin Tennessee next week.

The Sidewalk Prophets are giving away stuff from their bus. Entering is as simple as following the band and retweeting the information about the giveaway. The first item up for grabs was the original bus license plate signed by the band. They say the giveaways will continue all week. All items come from their tour bus.

NEWS KICKERS

(No news on the weekends. As on ONAIRprep subscriber, you can get a fully-produced, customized version of the Daily Dose of Weird News FREE with a station or show specific tag! Email darren@onairprep.com for details!)

NEW NEWS KICKERS…

A Canadian man used a wine bottle to fend off a bear attack, and managed to walk away with just a few claw marks and a sore back. The 44-year-old man was in a remote area of Saskatchewan when a bear approached him. The man used his wine bottle to defend himself and said he punched the bear in the nose.  *** And to think, his wife kept telling him, “Someday the bottle will kill you!”  Now he can say quite the opposite!

(CAREFUL!) A high school English teacher in Ontario, Canada has been suspended after using offensive language towards a student. Jennifer Elizabeth Green-Johnson was suspended from her job at Dunnville Secondary School for saying to a student: “Why don’t you lick me where I fart?”  *** Rather than losing her job, she has decided to accept being transferred to The Canadian Naval Academy where cursing like a sailor is expected.

Lisa Lobree was walking near the Philadelphia art museum one recent morning when she heard a “rustling” in the trees above her, and was suddenly slammed in the face with what turned out to be a 5-pound catfish. Witnesses saw a bird, possibly a hawk or eagle, flying away. The bird had apparently dropped the foot-long fish, which fell more than 50 feet through tree branches before hitting Lobree, who was left with a cut on her face.  *** Obviously punishment for eating at that KFC/Long John Silvers combo restaurant earlier in the day.

Dutch police have come up with a way to tackle an increasing numbers of drones in the skies by becoming the world’s first force to employ eagles as winged warriors. A series of tests have been organized since early 2015, and the Dutch forces announced the good results this week. The eagles will now be launched whenever drones are believed to be posing a danger to the public, such as during sensitive state visits or if the remote-controlled tiny craft are flying too close to airports.  *** Ooh… wait… how about we drop the drones and just have eagles deliver pizzas to our door?  That would ROCK!

NEWS KICKER EVERGREENS…

Most people lie to poll takers when given a survey. That’s right, eight out of ten Americans say they lie to pollsters regardless of the questions asked. That’s according to a survey by a top market survey company that says this makes all surveys suspect.. ***Hold on… if most people lie when taking a survey, how can we believe this survey… since it was people taking a survey?

A recent poll says that young people are more accepting of the idea of women proposing to men, but it’s still not working out that way. Three-fourths of Americans say it would be fine for the woman to do the proposing, in theory, but only about 5 percent of those currently married say the woman proposed. ***So the question is, if the woman is proposing, does the guy get the really awesome engagement ring?  I should’ve held out a little longer.

Love window seats on airplanes? Then your risk of death has just increased. It turns out window seat people are at greater risk of deep vein thrombosis than other passengers. DVT is a the formation of serious blood clots in the veins which can be fatal, and on long flights, window people are less likely to get up, stretch out, and walk around. ***So it’s not the seat that kills you – it’s the sitting in the seat.

 National Geographic Channel and Kelton Research found that most expect some sort of catastrophe will hit the US during the next 25 years.   NGC revealed these results: “Earthquakes (64%), hurricanes (63%) and terrorism (55%) are the most feared, followed by financial collapse (51%), significant blackout (37%), a pandemic (29%) and nuclear fallout (14%).”  Looking ahead 20 years, 62% believe a major catastrophe will hit the world on a global basis, and most – 71% — think it will be in the act of God, rather than man-made category.  ***Now, go out and have a nice day.

WONDER WOMAN (This feature will be disappearing in 2017)

CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD TODAY’S EPISODE… “Horizontally Gifted”

DAILY COMEDY CLIP (This feature will be disappearing in 2017)

CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD TODAY’S EPISODE… Tim Hawkins, “Costco”

AS THE JUNGLE TURNS – WEEKDAY VERSION

CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD FRIDAY’S EPISODE


OPEN: And now, FancyMonkey.com, (Show Name), and (Station Call Letters) bring you As the Jungle Turns! When last we left the jungle, all of the animals were determined to find out what kind of creature was making giant footprints in the jungle… but then they decided not to because they were scared. But then they got brave and moved forward… and then they got scared again. And now…

CLOSE: Finally… now we’re making some progress! What will the jungle animals find when they get back to the giant footprints? Will Millard become monster food, or will this all turn out to be a giant joke? Find out next time… As the Jungle Turns!

AS THE JUNGLE TURNS – SATURDAY/SUNDAY VERSION

CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD THE EPISODE FOR THE WEEKEND OF OCTOBER 01/02

OPEN: And now, FancyMonkey.com, (Show Name), and (Station Call Letters) bring you As the Jungle Turns! Last time, the jungle animals were terrified and began to panic after coming across something they’d never seen before in the jungle – they found five giant footprints to a terrible, awful, disgusting, ugly, smelly, terrifying creature! Maybe. Unfortunately, nobody’s really seen the creature itself.

CLOSE: Maybe Nozzles is right… we really don’t know what made the footprints – or even if they’re real! Right now we’re just scared of stuff we’re imagining! Just imagine what will happen next… As the Jungle Turns!

***You may simulcast “As the Jungle Turns” on the Internet stream of your live broadcast only. Any other Internet use of “As the Jungle Turns” in whole or part including podcasting of your live broadcast is a violation of copyright law. Thank you for your cooperation on this vitally important issue. If you have any questions, please e-mail us and ask about “Jungle Jam & Friends the Radio Show” usage.

MOMENT OF DUH

There was no “Day After Tomorrow” for Charles Alton Adams’ mobile home! 

…the Georgia man told police he set his home on fire after watching the disaster movie.  After watching “The Day After Tomorrow,” a special-effects extravaganza depicting deadly natural disasters caused by global warming, the man set fire to pillows on his bed.  Adams was been charged with arson.  ***MARLAR: He’ll still be in jail the day after tomorrow.

TOP TEN

TOP TEN SIGNS THAT YOU’RE A BAD COOK

1.You call your mother to ask how long to boil cabbage to make cole slaw.

2. The smoke alarm beeps if you even walk near the stove.

3. You turn the bowl of rice casserole upside down and nothing gets spilled

4. It takes a hammer and chisel to remove said casserole from the dish.

5. Your family buys Pepto and Tums in bulk.

6. Your food melts plastic and silverware.

7. You really have messed up a salad.

8. The dog goes to the neighbors’ to eat.

9. Your family automatically heads for the dinner table every time they hear a firetruck siren.

10. There are bones in your toast.

THE FILES OF LAW & DISORDER

A perfectly planned robbery is foiled by the robber himself! That story and others coming up in the files of Law & Disorder!

FILE #1: A Wisconsin man held up a bank after meticulously planning the whole robbery. He made sure there were no fingerprints on the holdup note, that he obscured his face from the cameras, that the teller’s window had no alarm and that the money taken did not include an exploding red dye booby trap. But, according to a police officer who saw him casually walking down the street after the robbery, he was carrying two large money bags, with the name of the bank clearly visible on both bags.

FILE #2: Brazilian police reportedly have caught up with a motorist who owes the equivalent of nearly $2 million in unpaid traffic fines. Folha OnLine said police stopped a 36-year-old man on Wednesday night and discovered he has been ticketed nearly 1,000 times since 2001, the year he bought his current car. Folha OnLine said the accumulated fines for speeding and running red lights total 3.4 million reals ($1.9 million). The man said he never received the tickets because he was always too busy to register the car in his name. Folha OnLine said the car is worth about $6,600 and was impounded. It will be auctioned unless the man comes up with the money he owes.

FILE #3: It’s usually a good idea to put on your disguise before entering the place you intend to rob. From Elkhorn, Wisconsin comes the story of Gail Fontayne who walked into a convenience store carrying a rifle and a ski mask. She headed for the back of the store where she tried to put the mask on. Needless to say her bumbling attracted some attention, causing her to make a quick change of plans. She claimed that she was carrying a gun because she had just come from skeet shooting and, as for the mask, she was just trying it on. Didn’t work. She’s been charged with attempted robbery.

STRANGE LAW: In Vermont, women must obtain written permission from their husbands to wear false teeth.

THIS IS YOUR BRAIN ON DRUGS

It’s usually a good idea to stop and rest if you’re tired on the road.  But if you’re tired while robbing a place, it might be best to wait until later to take that nap.

A trail of pillows and backpacks led police to two sleeping men who were arrested after a department store break-in. Kyle Burress and Allen Pierce were charged with second-degree burglary. When cops discovered the July 9th break-in at a Fred Meyer department store northeast of Seattle, they followed a trail of goods that led to the two men. One was sleeping in a stolen hammock and the other on a pile of stolen pillows. Police photographed the men before waking and arresting them.  Not surprisingly, alcohol was involved.

PHONER PHUN

Fundraising… most everyone could use a little right now. What successful thing did your organization, church, or group do for a fundraiser that you’d recommend to others?

BIBLE BRAIN BUSTER!

QUESTION: The Ark of the Testimony or Covenant was covered with what color cloth when it was moved?
ANSWER: Blue (Numbers 4:5,6)

QUESTION IMPOSSIBLE

QUESTION: In what year was the first telephone answering machine created?
ANSWER: 1950 – Bell Laboratories introduced the first telephone answering machine.  ***It was the last time anyone in the country ever answered their phone without screening calls.

TRUE OR FALSE

Pay attention! If our next player doesn’t answer all ten T/F questions correctly we start all over from question #1! First person to answer question #10 correctly is our winner!

1. Rubbing a pencil tip on a stuck zipper will usually un-jam it. (True! The lead is a graphite that works as a lubricant.)

2. The average parent spends more on their children’s birthdays than Christmas or Chanukah. (False, the holidays rule!)

3. Every gallon of sea water contains about a quarter pound of salt. (True)

4. Coca-Cola uses more sugar and vanilla than any other food manufacturer. (True)

5. Cattle can be identified by their noseprints. (True)

6. A leaky faucet with an opening the size of a pin will waste 170 gallons of water every 24 hours. (True)

7. 52% of all forms of life that have existed on Earth are now extinct. (False. It’s actually 95%)

8. Canada’s coastline is six times longer than Australia’s. (True)

9. Only first-generation offspring of Holstein cows have the same pattern of spots. (False. No two are the same.)

10. One fourth of all garbage is packaging. (False. One-third is)

TABLOID MATCH GAME

You have to match the blank in the tabloid headline with the word or phrase that has been removed!

PLANET ZEEBA IS ________ (PINK)

Astronomers have discovered a pink  planet and have identified it as… Planet Zeeba.

NASA scientists have been searching for Planet Zeeba for decades.  And now they have found it orbiting a star like our sun, just outside the Milky Way. Astronomers were not surprised to learn that Planet Zeeba – known as “the friendliest planet in the galaxy” is pink.

Planet Zeeba is the lowest-mass planet ever detected around a star using direct imaging techniques, but it is still several times the mass of Jupiter and similar in size. So, it’s big AND pink.

Kip McTwigan, a member of the discovery team at NASA’s Goddard Space Flight Centre in Greenbelt, Maryland, said: ‘If we could travel to this giant planet, we would see a world still glowing from the heat of its formation with a color reminiscent of a dark cherry blossom, a bright pink.”

Pink planet Zeeba lies at a projected distance of 43.5 astronomical units from its star – which is around one-and-a-half times the distance Neptune is from our sun.

The average temperature on Zeeba is reportedly 75 degrees Fahrenheit, which makes it the ideal weather, especially considering it looks like it only gets rain 20-30 days a year – which is longer on Zeeba.

As reported on WWN for the last two years, aliens from Planet Zeeba are on our planet, and have come here to help stop us from destroying our own planet and protect us from the aggressive, belligerent aliens from Planet Gootan.

THE WAY TOO EARLY IN THE MORNING TO UNDERSTAND THE PUNCHLINE EVEN AFTER TWO CUPS OF COFFEE JOKE OF THE DAY 

JOKE #1

A woman, on meeting a psychologist at a party, made a pitch for some free professional advice. “What kind of toy would you suggest giving a little boy on his third birthday?” she asked.

“First I’d have to know more about the child,” the psychologist hedged.

The woman took a deep breath. “He’s very bright and quick-witted and exceptionally advanced for his age,” she said. “He has good coordination, expresses himself very well…”

“Oh, I see,” the psychologist said. “It’s YOUR child!”

JOKE #2

Showing his friend around his home, Fred started to point out all of the collectibles he and his wife had acquired over their long years of marriage.

“The day before I die, I’d like to sell every piece we’ve got just to see how much it’s all worth.”

“But you couldn’t possibly know the day before you were going to die, so how could you sell it.”

“Simple: If I sell it, my wife would kill me!”

JOKE #3

My friend’s father is a locksmith in a resort town. Once he saw a group of beach goers park near his shop and dump trash from their car on his property.
As soon as they were out of sight, he picked the lock on their car door, put the garbage back inside and relocked their car.

USELESS FACTS

It turns out that Apple CEO Steve Jobs, the man behind the iPod and the iPhone, had a phobia about buttons. ***Isn’t that like a NASCAR driver saying he’s frightened of left turns?

A recent survey found that one-quarter of Americans are bilingual. ***The rest of the country is still wondering what “bilingual” means.

FEATURED FUNNIES

ORGANIZED?
Jerry’s sister was bemoaning the fact that she had procrastinated cleaning and organizing her house for a long time. Since she was planning to entertain, she felt a lot of pressure to get moving. That afternoon she phoned, sounding glum. “I went to the bookstore,” she explained. “And I bought a book on how to get organized.I was all fired up, and decided to clean out all the shelves in the living room. While I was working, I found the same book. I had bought it a couple of years ago.”

IT MUST BE TRUE BECAUSE I HEARD IT ON THE RADIO!

A letter sent to William Reynolds gave him the bad news that he was no longer eligible for a tax benefit.

The reason? Because he was dead. Reynolds, who passed away seven years ago, had a letter sent to him that read: “Your council tax benefit has been stopped … because there has been a change in your circumstances; the change is because you are dead.” It wasn’t all bad news for him, though. The letter did mention that he could still qualify for the benefit, but he would have to contact their offices immediately to obtain a new application.

INSPIRATIONAL INSPIRATION

WHEN TO PRAY
A little girl who suffered greatly during thunderstorms was told by her mother to pray when she was alarmed.
One day at the close of a fearful storm she came to her mother with the information that praying during the danger brought her no relief.
“Then,” said her mother, “try praying when the sun shines, and see if that will take away the fear.”
The child did so, and when another storm was raging she said sweetly:–
“Pray when the sun shines is the best way, for I am not the least bit afraid now.”
What a lesson we who are older might learn from this incident! How often do we stay away from our Master until the storms of life drive us to Him for shelter and protection!
If we could only give our best, our brightest days to his service, we would have no cause to tremble when the dark hours come on. How very much we miss by not having Jesus to go with us through all our earthly pilgrimage!

DRIVE TIME DEVOTIONAL

SOMETHING FOR NOTHING

Why do you spend money for what is not bread, and your wages for what does not satisfy? —Isaiah 55:2

During a long layover at an airport, I noticed that one business in the main terminal attracted more people than any other. For hours, a steady stream of customers approached with cash in hand, stood in line, made a purchase, and left quickly. All seemed to know exactly what they wanted.

The thriving business was a lottery sales office. Even though the chance of winning the big powerball jackpot was 1 in 146 million, people seemed compelled to spend something and, in almost every case, get nothing. It seemed to be a vivid picture of our enduring quest for satisfaction and security in material things.

When God questioned His people through the prophet Isaiah, He asked why they spent their money for things that neither nourished nor satisfied them. The Lord invited those who had no resources to “come, buy wine and milk without money and without price. . . . And let your soul delight itself in abundance. Incline your ear, and come to Me” (Isa. 55:1-3).

God offers to give us what we can’t buy—mercy, pardon, and a changed life infused with His presence. He invites us to “Seek the Lord while He may be found” (v.6).

By God’s grace, we can freely receive His something—for nothing. —David C. McCasland

Marvelous, infinite, matchless grace,
Freely bestowed on all who believe!
You that are longing to see His face,
Will you this moment His grace receive? —Johnston

God’s grace accepted is God’s peace experienced.

LEFTOVERS

GOOD GIG

Joining the circus ain’t all it’s cut out to be – especially if “cut out” means daggers are being thrown at you!  One man recently landed that gig – and you can imagine how nervous he might be going in for his first day of work!
After an audition, Stephen Smith landed the job he was looking for with the Cottle & Austen Circus in England. Stephen is now the knife-thrower’s assistant. Which means he doesn’t hand the knife thrower the knives. No, Stephen stands in front of the target and prays the thrower of the knives doesn’t miss!   Or prays that he WILL miss – I guess it depends on how you look at it.  The job involves standing against a board 3 ft wide and facing 10 knives thrown at speeds of around 60 mph twice a day, six days a week. Smith, a former trampoline champion, was previously out of work and is excited about his new job. “I’m not nervous at all. It’s all positive thoughts I’m having. I really want to go for it, I really want to show the crowd that I can perform.” 

LIFE… LIVE IT

Stuck in the Kitchen For 2 1/2 Years??

The average woman spends two-and-a-half years of her adult life cooking. The average man, by comparison, spends just 1.4 years in the kitchen. The survey showed that though the figure had halved in the last 50 years, it’s still primarily women who prepare most of the family meals. Kitchen appliance manufacturer Breville found that 75 percent of meals are prepared by women. More than eight out of ten women spend an hour or more cooking after work, and can spend double the amount of time in the kitchen at weekends. That adds up to approximately nine hours of cooking every week — and a total of 2.51 years preparing food between the ages of 18 and 65. (Daily Mail)

JUST FOR FUN

STRESS SHRINKS THE BRAIN

Feeling stressed? Well STOP IT! It could be shrinking your brain! Both science and the Bible say so!

In Jesus’ famous Sermon on the Mount, His advice included not to worry so much about where food and clothing will come from. He said to first seek the kingdom of God, and God’s righteousness, and the other things would be provided. (Matthew 6:26-34) New evidence shows that Jesus’ advice not to worry was a pearl of wisdom long before its time. It seems that fretting and worrying may make your brain shrink faster than normal. Our brains start to shrink after adolescence, and scientists have suspected that worry and stress could quicken the process. New Scientist (8 September 2001) reports that Brian Knutson and colleagues at the National Institute on Alcohol Abuse and Alcoholism near Washington DC have found a link between shrinking brains and neurotic behavior. They measured brain shrinkage in 86 people and found what they describe as a “significant link.” Knutson said his best advice was to quote the title of Bobby McFerrin’s song, “Don’t worry, be happy.”

FUN LIST

BECAUSE I’M A GUY…

  • …I must hold the television remote control in my hand while I watch TV. If the thing has been misplaced, I’ll miss a whole show looking for it, though one time I was able to survive by holding a calculator.

  • …when I lock my keys in the car, I will fiddle with a wire clothes hanger and ignore your suggestions that we call road service until long after hypothermia has set in. Oh, and when the car isn’t running very well, I will pop the hood and stare at the engine as if I know what I’m looking at. If another guy shows up, one of us will say to the other, “I used to be able to fix these things, but now with all these computers and everything, I wouldn’t know where to start.”

  • …when I catch a cold I need someone to bring me soup and take care of me while I lie in bed and moan. You never get as sick as I do, so for you this isn’t an issue.

  • …I can be relied upon to purchase basic groceries at the store, like milk, or bread. I cannot be expected to find exotic items like “Cumin” or “Tofu.” For all I know these are the same thing. And never, under any circumstances, expect me to pick up a copy of “Parenting” or “Better Homes & Gardens.”

  • …when one of our appliances stops working, I will insist on taking it apart, despite evidence that this will just cost me twice as much once the repair person gets here and has to put it back together.

  • …I don’t think we’re all that lost, and no, I don’t think we should stop and ask someone. Why would you listen to a complete stranger–how could HE know where we’re going?

  • …I do NOT want to visit your mother, or have your mother come visit us, or talk to her when she calls, or think about her any more than I have to. Whatever you got her for Mother’s day is okay. I don’t need to see it. Did you remember to pick up something for my mom, too?

  • …you don’t have to ask me if I liked the movie. Chances are, if you’re crying at the end of it, I didn’t.

  • …I think what you’re wearing is fine. I thought what you were wearing five minutes ago was fine, too. Either pair of shoes is fine. With the belt or without it looks fine. Your hair is fine. You look fine. Can we just go now?

MORE SHOW PREP STUFF…

TO THE MOON AND BACK

Here’s a little known fun fact about the first men to walk on the moon — after the three men came returned to earth, they were asked by customs if they had anything to declare since they left the country. A document from US immigration filled out by the astronauts has been confirmed as genuine by NASA, that the three-man crew of Apollo 11 told customs they were carrying Moon rock and dust samples. Neil Armstrong, Edwin “Buzz” Aldrin and Michael Collins signed a declaration document. They described their flight number as Apollo 11 and their holiday operator as NASA. Their departure point is listed as Moon and the space team declared their luggage contained Moon rock and dust samples. ***MARLAR: They then complained about the rest of their luggage being lost during the flight. 

OTHER STUFF I WANT TO CRAM INTO TODAY’S PREP

At Tuesday’s Red Sox/Yankees game, Andrew Fox of Pennsylvania man planned to surprise his girlfriend by proposing. Decked out in Yankee pinstripes, he even had his stunt all worked out to be shown on the arena’s jumbotron. All was going great until he dropped the ring as he opened up the box. Andrew and his seatmates are then seen scrambling to find the ring. After almost five excruciating minutes Andrew actually starts to cry thinking the ring is gone. Then his girlfriend, Heather Terwilliger, suddenly spotted something shining in the cuff of her pants. It was the ring and the rest of the proposal went off without a hitch. She said yes. A Yankees reporter talked afterward to the couple about “RingGate 2016,” and both admitted their relief, with Andrew saying all he could think during the ring search was, “If we don’t find this, this will be the biggest fail in history.” (For the Win)

Good news for chocolate lovers. Researchers may have found a way to make chocolate more nutritious and taste even better that it currently does. According to a Huffington Post report, some kinds of chocolate have already been shown to lower risk for stroke, boost mood and potentially serve as brain food, helping people to feel more awake and focused. But now a researcher in Ghana is looking at ways to improve the roasting process to help the cocoa beans retain more of their heart healthy antioxidants. While more research is required, officials say a longer storage periods and a slower roasting process seemed to improve the health benefits. http://huff.to/1N9cEEm

A selfless cashier recently received a surprise he was never expecting thanks to a simple act of kindness. According to a report in the Christian Post, while Travis was working as a cashier at one of his shifts, he was approached by a little boy wanting to purchase some ice cream. After counting the change and dollar bills, Travis realized the boy didn’t have enough money. But rather than turning him away, Travis simply paid for the ice cream himself. The act of kindness was rewarded just minutes later when the little boy returned with a note from his parents thanking Travis for his generosity. Wrapped inside was a $100 bill. http://bit.ly/1DV7AC9

When Mark Ross learned that his 15-year-old sister had been killed in a car accident by a drunk driver, he left his home in Indiana and headed to where his family was in Detroit, Michigan. The problem…Mark had an outstanding misdemeanor warrant in the city and wasn’t suppose to leave town. He got pulled over in Ohio by Sergeant David Robison but that’s where the story took a turn for the better. Robison offered to drive Mark the last 100 miles, prayed over him and his family, and dropped him off at a coffee shop where his cousin picked him up. His grieving family was so touched by the officer’s gesture that they invited him to the funeral. http://ow.ly/47yz304Guhp

AND I LEAVE YOU WITH THIS THOUGHT

If we are to learn anything of value from “Star Trek,” it’s that the universe is filled with vastly different styles of foreheads. –Chris Needles

THE TICKET Movie Reviews with MARIE ASNER

Marie Asner has been reviewing films for over 30 years. Her outlets include radio, print and Internet. For more in-depth movie reviews of the following films, visit www.Tollbooth.org. Ratings from 1 (Low) to 5 (High).

SEPTEMBER 30, 2016…

Queen Of Kawte—Here is an inspirational true story of a young girl from Uganda, Phiona Mutesi (played by Madina Nahwanga)  who learns the game of chess and becomes  proficient and a winner.  Also in the cast  are David Oweloyo and Lupita Nyong.  “Queen Of Kawte” is rated PG 13. Rating of 2 for chess fans.

Deepwater Horizon—Remember the gigantic fire on board an oil rig about 6 years ago? Here is the cinema story that stars Mark Wahlberg, Gina Rodriguez and Kurt Russell. What started it?  How to fight it?  Heroism? Ecological disaster? It unfolds before you. “Deepwater Horizon” is rated R. Rating of 2 for disaster film fans.

Masterminds—Zach Galifianakis is an armored truck driver.  His work partner is Kristen Wiig, along with someone on the other side of the law (Owen Wilson) and they try to pull off a robbery. Hmm. “Masterminds” is rated R. No rating.

Miss Peregrine’s Home For Peculiar Children—After reading this first book in the book series by Ransom Riggs, they caught my attention.  There are now several books in this series of children with unusual abilities who use time as their ally. Tim Burton directs. The children live on a secluded island, and the main character is played by Asa Butterfield. Samuel L. Jackson is the villain. My favorite is the girl who needs weighted shoes so she doesn’t float away. “Miss Peregrine’s Home For Peculiar Children” is rated PG 13. Rating of 3 for fans of the books.

Denial—Timothy Spall plays David Irving in this real life story of a man who doesn’t believe the Holocaust happened.  Deborah Lipstadt (played by Rachel Weisz) is going to prove, in court, that the Holocaust did happen.  Quite a court case. “Denial” is rated R. Rating of 2.

OCTOBER 07, 2016…

The Birth Of A Nation is Nate Parker’s film about a slave uprising in the early 1800’s.

The Girl On The Train  is adapted from the best selling novel by Paula Hawkins. Stars Emily Blunt.

The 13th is a documentary on the U.S. prison system.

Middle School: The Worst Years Of My Life combines some animation with real life in dealing with a boy’s adventures in Middle School.

Voyage of Time (documentary) is narrated by Cate Blanchett and explores the past of Planet Earth. Beautiful photography.

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Darren Marlar credits all non-original material to the author whenever possible. All other material is original, used with permission, or author unknown. We welcome all comments, questions, and suggestions. Darren can be reached via his website at www.DarrenMarlar.com.