Shopping at Sky Mall

By the time you read this I quite possibly could be a TV star thanks to my February 19th appearance on Cornerstone Television Network’s “Focus 4” program.  Or I’ll still be a nobody, as I am now as I write this month’s column, sitting in a plane bound for home for Chicago after my TV appearance in Pittsburgh.

Being a TV star is not really a dream of mine, but it would make life a tad easier.  For one, I’d no longer have people continually mistaking me for that red-haired kid on the Partridge Family.  That’s more of an annoyance than anything else, but if I were to become a celebrity in my own right, perhaps things would be reversed and Mr. Bonaduce would occasionally be asked by my fans if he’s that comedian they love so much, and they’d comment about how he appears to have lost weight.

One thing I’d probably do as a celebrity is hire a personal assistant.  I could’ve used one today.  I needed someone to tell me that it’s a good idea to bring a book with you when flying.  I had several opportunities to bring a book along.  I have dozens of unread books at home I could’ve packed into my computer bag. I passed by countless drug stores on the way to the airport, full of romance novels and adventure fiction. Heck, I could’ve bought a book at one of the approximately three thousand booksellers inside O’Hare Airport before boarding the plane for Pittsburgh – or one of the hundreds at Pittsburgh International.

A personal assistant would’ve saved me from my current in-flight boredom as we sit on the tarmac for a late take off.  At this point I have two reading options: the first being the in-plane safety manual.  It’s a powerful read if you’ve never cracked the cover, although I’m still not clear how my seat doubling as a floatation device is going to save me if the plane crashes into a mountain.

My other choice for reading: Sky Mall.

As a celebrity, I might be able to afford the stuff I’ve purchased in the past few minutes in Sky Mall… which I would not have purchased if I had a personal assistant to tell me to bring a book on my flight (I’m already contemplating firing her).  How did I survive up to now without the wonderful things advertised in this publication?

How much time might I have saved the past forty-one years had I purchased the dual-brush toothbrush that cleans both bottom and top teeth simultaneously?  That’s got to cut ninety seconds out of your day right there.  That might give me time to play with the world’s smallest camcorder I just purchased for $99.95.  You’re wonderful, Sky Mall!

Of course, there’s always the possibility of forgetting a camcorder and leaving it behind, which is why I also forked out $149.99 for the ballpoint pen that has a concealed digital audio recorder and camera inside.  There’s not a big need for this kind of device as a stand-up comedian, but you never know when the President of the United States might step up at any moment and ask you to do a service for your country.

And what did I do before purchasing my ultra-cool watch that doubles as a cell phone and digital camera?  Do you have any idea how much space that will save in my travel bag?  Sure, it was $269.99, but eventually I’ll become a nationally known television star and can pay off the credit card that is now maxed-out from buying all of this stuff.

Unfortunately, as cool as Sky Mall is, there are a couple of things it doesn’t sell which I could really use… primarily books.  And personal assistants.

***Darren Marlar is standup comedian, and a Christian.   Check out his website for his blog, comedy clips, videos, and more.  He also welcomes your comments. ***

Creative Commons License photo credit: JoshuaDavisPhotography.COM

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