THE OFFICIAL CHRISTMAS GIFT-GIVING CONTRACT
Agreement entered into this _____ day of _____, in the year of our Lord, _____, by Husband and Wife, hereafter called “Couple.” Whereas, Couple often argue over ill-chosen gifts; and whereas, a gift-giving agreement may save Couple’s marriage and/or reduce return trips to the mall.
SECTION A: Gifts for Wife
1. Husband shall not give Wife practical gifts such as an iron, a toaster, a dishwasher or a vacuum cleaner… unless husband plans to use them.
2. Husband shall avoid the following: a) Chocolate when Wife is on a diet. b) Tight clothing meant to encourage wife to diet.
3. Husband shall keep track of Wife’s clothing sizes, except those Wife refuses to divulge.
4. Husband shall not give Wife anything that can be bought at an airport.
5. Husband shall not buy Wife earrings that weigh more than her head.
6. Husband shall remember that gifts should be personal. Gift certificates and cash are not personal… unless large enough to buy a diamond watch.
7. Husband shall avoid the following: a) Any former girlfriend’s favorite fragrance. b) His mother’s favorite fragrance.
8. Husband is encouraged to buy Wife gifts in the following categories: a) Anything specifically requested. b) Catalog items discreetly circled. c) Any object containing silver, platinum or gold.
SECTION B: Gifts for Husband
1. Wife shall not give Husband anything that smells like perfume… no matter how macho its name or its spokesman.
2. Wife shall not buy Husband home repair manuals.
3. Wife shall not give Husband anything “cute” or containing the word organizer.
4. Wife shall not get Husband anything used in a gym.
5. Wife shall not buy Husband silk boxers, unless she agrees to wear a matching pair.
6. Wife shall not give Husband anything that’s for Husband’s own good.
7. Wife is encouraged to buy Husband items in the following categories: a) Anything Couple’s 12-year-old son would like. b) Sporting equipment, provided Husband can exchange it for something with a better “feel.” c) Stereo and electronic equipment provided Husband can exchange it for something with more “oomph.”
SECTION C: Miscellaneous
1. Husband concedes that writing thank-you notes for the entire household and buying gifts for Husband’s business associates are not Wife’s job.
2. Husband concedes that there is no logical connection between gender and gift wrapping.
3. If despite all precautions, one spouse buys the other something he or she hates (a gift you wouldn’t give your worst enemy, well maybe, but only if it were on sale), couple shall behave in a diplomatic fashion. The following shall not be deemed diplomatic: a) “Are you totally insane?” b) “Give me the receipt, cheapskate!” c) “But you said you wanted this!”
4. Couple shall cherish the loving thought that is behind ever single gift… even the ones they exchange.