I Hate Tax Time

(monthly humor column)

I hate tax time.  It actually FEELS taxing, doesn’t it?  There’s nothing worse than seeing on paper how worthless of a human being you really are – to the exact penny.

I sit down and just stare at all these numbers and letters: 1099, W2, W4, 1040, 1040EZ, WD-40, V8, H1N1, B6 (you sank my battleship)!

To get all of your deductions you have to ask for a receipt, every single time.  How is that good for the planet?  Sure, I’d like to save the rainforests, but there is no way I’m not claiming a deduction on that Biggie Doctor Pepper I bought in Dubuque.  That was a business trip.

If you buy something and use it on the job, it’s tax deductible.  So I’d like to present you next week’s grocery list: bacon, Preparation H, more bacon, a big bag of Baby Ruths…

I tried to deduct eight pizzas once for an office party. My accountant was like, “But you don’t have a job!”

I replied, “It was a home office party.  And attendance was mandatory!”

What’s deductible for comedians, anyway?  If I write in my occupation as  “stand-up comedian” will the IRS take ANY of my deductions seriously?  I can imagine that audit.  “You’re deducting bacon?  Tell us THAT joke!”

I’ve never been so in-favor of a national sales tax in my life. But then you’d probably shop the McDonald’s dollar menu and tax would be $8.95.

I envy parents at tax time. They can celebrate Dependents Day! Children are dependents; they’re little tax deductions.  At home we have a picture on our fridge of a poor Guatemalan kid.  Apparently he doesn’t count because he’s not “related”.  Stupid tax laws.  I’m not even going to bother asking them about my cat then.

I avoid doing my taxes as long as I can – everything else comes first: trimming my toenails, trimming my wife’s toenails, cleaning the tool shed, etc.  (Do you have any idea how awkward it is trying to explain to your neighbor why you’re organizing THEIR tool shed?)

I filed my extension the day after Christmas.  Why do today what you can put off until Cinco de Mayo?  I know I don’t look Mexican, but if it gets me out of doing taxes until Kwanza, I’m good to go.  Heck, I’d claim to be Amish if it’d keep me from having to fill out a 1040 form.

Why not?  I could be an Amish comedian.

How many Amish does it take to change a light bulb?

What’s a light bulb?

What goes clip-clop clip-clop clip-clop bang bang bang?

An Amish drive-by shooting!

But no.  Even the Amish have to pay taxes.  So, I’ll buck up and pay unto Caesar. What’s it gonna hurt? I only made fifty-two bucks last year.

***Darren Marlar is stand-up comedian, and a Christian.   Check out his website for his blog, comedy clips, videos, and more.  He also welcomes your comments.  http://www.DarrenMarlar.com ***

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