November 17, 2017: Friday ONAIRprep

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WELCOME TO THE SHOW!

As we start the show, please keep in mind the following saying… “He who laughs last thinks slowest.”

PRESIDENTIAL WIT & WISDOM

(None on the weekends.)

“Always vote for principle, though you may vote alone, and you may cherish the sweetest reflection that your vote is never lost.” – John Quincy Adams

BIBLE VERSE OF THE DAY

“Riches do not profit in the day of wrath, but righteousness delivers from death.” – Proverbs 11:4

Isaiah 55:10-11 

As the rain and the snow

come down from heaven,

and do not return to it

without watering the earth

and making it bud and flourish,

so that it yields seed for the sower and bread for the eater,

so is my word that goes out from my mouth:

It will not return to me empty,

but will accomplish what I desire

and achieve the purpose for which I sent it.

‘Come now, let us reason together,’ says the Lord. ‘Though your sins are like scarlet, they shall be as white as snow; though they are red as crimson, they shall be like wool.’ — Isaiah 1:18

HEARTLIGHT DAILY VERSE, PRAYER & THOUGHT

(From VerseOfTheDay.com)

Instead, they were longing for a better country — a heavenly one. Therefore God is not ashamed to be called their God, for he has prepared a city for them. — Hebrews 11:16

Thought: Hebrews 11 is full of reminders of the great heroes of faith from long ago. Many of them risked everything — some even paid the ultimate price — for their faith. How did they live out such a strong faith in the face of such difficulty and persecution? They were looking for a better place, a better home, a better country, a better city — a heavenly one. God prepared this better place for them. He is proud to be called their God and welcome them to that better place. And this better place, this better country, is also promised to us as people of faith! Jesus promised us that he is preparing for our arrival at our heavenly home and he will come back and take us to be where he is. If the Lord is longing for us to join him, then surely we can have a deep longing to be with him. Let’s desire our heavenly country!

Prayer: Thank you, dear Father, for all that you have done to save me. Thank you for not being ashamed of me. Thank you for preparing for my arrival at home with you. With so much to look forward to, may I live a victorious life because I am confident in your grace, forgiven because of Jesus’ sacrifice, and empowered to be holy by your Spirit. In the name of Jesus I live and offer you this prayer. Amen.

The Thoughts and Prayers for Today’s Verse are written by Phil Ware. You can email questions or comments to phil@heartlight.org.

BIRTHDAY VERSE” OF THE DAY (The chapter and verse correspond to the month and day!)

Revelation 11:17 NIV = “We give thanks to you, Lord God Almighty, the One who is and who was, because you have taken your great power and have begun to reign.

TODAY IS FRIDAY – NOVEMBER 17, 2017

(NOTE: Some holidays may be duplicated due to various calendars reporting conflicting dates)
WEIRD, WACKY, STRANGE, ZANY, ODD, BIZARRE, QUIRKY, UNUSUAL HOLIDAYS!
THERE ARE ONLY
37 SHOPPING DAYS UNTIL CHRISTMAS.

Today is HOMEMADE BREAD DAY, a day to make bread at home. ***Hence the name “Homemade Bread” right?  Sheesh.

Today is NATIONAL TAKE A HIKE DAY.  ***Not to be confused with “Tell Someone To Take A Hike Day” which might end up getting you into a bit of trouble.

Today is PUBLIC RESTROOM HAND DRYER APPRECIATION DAY. ***I absolutely appreciate the hand dryer. Remember those old never-ending cloth towel thingies? Stains all over it from 1952. And then you see the sign, “Employees Must Wash Hands Before Returning To Work.”  The same guys in the back room making your pizza used that Shroud of Charmin a few minutes earlier!

Today is NATIONAL FARM JOKE DAY, a day when farmers try not to take themselves seriously.  And here’s one to get you started…

One day the first grade teacher was reading the story of Chicken Little to her class. She came to the part of the story where Chicken Little tried to warn the farmer. She read, “…and so Chicken Little went up to the farmer and said, “The sky is falling, the sky is falling!”

The teacher paused then asked the class, “And what do you think that farmer said?”

One little girl raised her hand and said, “I think he said, ‘Unbelievable! A talking chicken!'”

TODAY IS ALSO…

Homemade Bread Day
National Unfriend Day
Petroleum Day
Substitute Educators Day
World Prematurity Awareness Day

COMING UP NEXT (Just a list, we are not endorsing the holidays posted below. Find more holidays and link to their websites at BrownieLocks.com)

SATURDAY, NOVEMBER 18

European Antibiotic Awareness Day
Family Volunteer Day
Guinness World Record Day
International Games Day (Libraries)
Married To A Scorpio Support Day
Mickey Mouse Day
National Adoption Day
National Apple Cider Day
National Princess Day
Playmobil’s National Day of Play
National Survivors of Suicide Day
Push-button Phone Day

SUNDAY, NOVEMBER 19

American Made Matters Day
Crystal Skull World Day
Do Dah Day (Pasadena)
Equal Opportunity Day (aka Gettysburg Address Day)
Have A Bad Day Day
International Men’s Day
Mother Goose Day
Rabi’I
Rocky and Bullwinkle Day
Women’s Entrepreneurship Day
World Day of Remembrance for Road Traffic Victims
World Philosophy Day
World Toilet Day

MONDAY, NOVEMBER 20

African Industrialization Day
Globally Organized Hug A Runner Day aka G.O.H.A.R.D.
Name Your PC Day
National Peanut Butter Fudge Day
Transgender Day of Remembrance
Universal Children’s Day

TUESDAY, NOVEMBER 21

Alascattalo Day (About Alaska & humor)
National Entrepreneurship Day
World Hello Day
World Television Day

WEDNESDAY, NOVEMBER 22

National Jukebox Day (Day Before Thanksgiving)
Tie One On Day

THURSDAY, NOVEMBER 23

Thanksgiving Day (U.S.A.)

Doctor Who Day
Fibonacci Day
International Day To End Impunity
International Image Consultant Day
National Espresso Day
Turkey-free Thanksgiving

FRIDAY, NOVEMBER 24

Black Friday (Day After Thanksgiving)
Buy Nothing Day (First Shopping Day After Thanksgiving)
Celebrate Your Unique Talent Day
D.B. Cooper Day
Flossing Day (Always Day After Thanksgiving)
Fur Free Friday (Day After Thanksgiving)
Maize Day (Day After Thanksgiving)
National Day of Listening (Day after Thanksgiving)
National Native American Heritage Day (Always Day After Thanksgiving)
Random Acts of Kindness Friday

ON THIS DAY

3 BC: Jesus, the son of Mary and step-son of Joseph, was born in Bethlehem, Judea, according to the Greek Christian theologian Clement of Alexandria. Clement is believed to have lived from about 150 to 220 A.D. He founded the Alexandrian school of theology. *** How is it possible that Jesus was born three years before his own birth? I don’t really know – maybe because he’s God and can do anything he wants to do. Anyway, Merry Christmas!

1953: In the American League, the St. Louis Browns, not one of baseball’s better teams, officially became the Baltimore Orioles.

1954: Arnold Palmer became a professional golfer when he signed an endorsement contract with Wilson Sporting Goods.

1967: Monkee Davey Jones opened a boutique in New York’s Greenwich Village called “Zilch I.”

1973: U.S. President Richard Nixon told Associated Press managing editors in Orlando, Florida, “People have got to know whether or not their president is a crook. Well, I’m not a crook.”

1977: In the Miss World Pageant, Miss United Kingdom wore a $9,500 platinum bikini.

1981: Laura and Luke were married on General Hospital. It was television’s highest-rated daytime program until the O.J. Simpson verdict.

1990: David Crosby crashed his motorcycle in Los Angeles and broke a shoulder, left leg, and ankle. Police said the speeding singer wasn’t wearing a helmet, either.

1991: 59-year-old Jim Sneed of Springfield, Missouri, suffered a heart attack at the wheel of his Greyhound bus on I-44 near Claremore, Oklahoma. He had driven 2-million miles for Greyhound without an accident. He calmly pulled his 44 passengers safely into a rest area, stopped the bus, and died.

1991: 55-year-old Wanda Cagliari won the World All-Around Championship in the National Senior Pro Rodeo Finals at Reno, Nevada. She was the first woman ever to win an all-around rodeo championship.

1995: The movie Goldeneye, starring Pierce Brosnan as Agent .007, premiered throughout the U.S.

1996: A Tampa packaging distributor introduced Biofoam, a new grain-based packing “peanut” more environmentally friendly than Styrofoam peanuts. Biofoam, which smells like popcorn, was originally developed as a snack food, but it didn’t sell.

1997: The wait at Baltimore-area Pizza Huts was up to three hours for their $1.69 bargain pizzas. The chain had promised a dollar off their large pizza for every sack the Baltimore Ravens got against the Philadelphia Eagles. The Ravens got nine sacks in a 10-10 overtime tie. ***Two more sacks and not only would the pizzas have been free, but mathematically they would’ve had to pay their customers to take them!

2002: An Indian man who became famous for smoking through his ears announced he would begin smoking through both his mouth and ears simultaneously. Dharmendra Singh of Bikaner also whistled through his nose, but he said that didn’t really impress anybody. ***You just know his parents are being with pride, don’t you?

2003: Two weeks before her 22nd birthday, Britney Spears became the youngest singer to ever get a star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame.

TODAY IN CHRISTIAN HISTORY

0003: (BC) According to early Christian theologian Clement of Alexandria (ca.155-ca.220 AD), Jesus Christ was born on this date.

1758: English churchman Philip Embury, 30, married Margaret Switzer. Afterward immigrating to America, Embury was later encouraged by his cousin Barbara Heck to found a Methodist society in New York City in 1768. Embury thus became the first Methodist preacher in North America.

1775: Anglican hymn writer John Newton wrote in a letter: ‘Rational assent may be the act of our natural reason; faith is the effect of immediate almighty power.’

1876: English born Rodney (“Gipsy”) Smith, 16, was converted to a living faith. Smith later became an English Wesleyan singing evangelist whose preaching emphasized the love of God.

1906: In Toronto, Ellen Hebden experienced a Pentecostal baptism, followed soon after by her husband James. Their East End Mission afterward became a source and focal point for establishing Pentecostal holiness throughout Canada.

BIRTHDAY RAP-UP

  • Actress/model Daisy Fuentes, 51

  • Actress (Robin Hood, The Abyss, The Perfect Storm, “Without a Trace”, ‘Law & Order: Criminal Intent”) Mary Elizabeth Mastrantonio, 59

  • Actor (Dodgeball, Office Space, Jimmy James the station owner on “News Radio”) Stephen Root, 66 (audio clip)

  • Director/actor (Get Shorty, The Heist, Batman Returns, Louie on “Taxi”) Danny DeVito 73 (audio clip)

  • TV Hall of Famer (producer of “Saturday Night Live”) Lorne Michaels, 73

  • Actress & screen legend (Linda Fairchild Rush on “Central Park West”, Liz McDowell on “Falcon Crest”, American Gigolo, Zorro the Gay Blade, Once Bitten) Lauren Hutton, 74

BEE-BOP BIRTHDAYS

(Music Artist Birthdays From SongFacts.com)

1933 : The Singing Nun

1937 : Gerry McGee (The Ventures)

1937 : Geoff Goddard (The Tornados)

1938 : Gordon Lightfoot

1942 : Bob Gaudio (The Four Seasons)

1944 : Gene Clark (The Byrds)

1946 : Martin Barre (Jethro Tull)

1947 : Rod Clements (Lindisfarne)

1947 : Robert “Stewkey” Antoni (The Nazz)

1948 : Iain Sutherland (Sutherland Brothers And Quiver)

1952 : Dean Martin, Jr. (Dino, Desi and Billy)

1957 : Jim Babjak (The Smithereens)

1959 : Harry Rushakoff (Concrete Blonde)

1960 : RuPaul

1966 : Jeff Buckley

1967 : Ronny DeVoe (New Edition/Bell Biv Devoe)

1967 : Ben Wilson (Blues Traveler)

1980 : Isaac Hanson (Hanson)

SECRETS OF THE UNIVERSE (Answering questions that have plagued mankind for minutes!)

When it comes to spinach, does Popeye really know best?

Everyone knows that spinach is loaded in iron and makes you stronger – just look what it has done for Popeye the Sailor’s career, right? Well, Popeye was wrong.  So were all of those parents that stuffed it down their kids’ throats.  In reality, spinach has no more iron in it than any other vegetable.  This spinach misconception dates back to the 1950’s when a food analyst made an error while calculating the iron in spinach.  His decimal place was off by one place, suggesting that spinach had ten times as much iron content than it really did.

NEWS KICKERS

(None on weekends. Want a customizable version with your specific station tag, FREE? Email me for more information! )

NEW NEWS KICKERS…

(Not posted on weekends and U.S. holidays.)

Patrick Stewart has been battling vertigo lately.  ***No surprise.  All of the jolting starts and stops of warp speed travel has to take a toll on you after a while.

In Wisconsin, the law’s been changed and now kids under the age of 10 can go hunting with a gun, if they’re accompanied by an adult.  ***Meanwhile, in neighboring Illinois, if you make a gun shape with your thumb and pointy finger, you are arrested for making terrorist threats.

The president of the American Heart Association John Warner had a heart attack. He’ll be okay, but wow – the irony.

After being its major product for the past 125 years, General Electric is going to quit making light bulbs. ***Thus demoting itself all the way down to “Captain Electric”.

Blake Shelton has been named People Magazine’s Sexiest Man Alive.  ***Oh well, I still have next year.

All hail Suyash Dixit-the very first king of the Kingdom of Dixit. Apparently the 24-year-old CEO of an Indian tech firm, was traveling to Egypt for a software developers’ conference earlier this month when he read about Bir Tawil. It’s an 800-square-mile tract of land located between Egypt and Sudan but has been claimed by neither country and is uninhabited. So technically, Bir Tawil is “the only place on Earth where humans can live and survive that is not part of any state or country.” Dixit decided to do something about that so he drove six hours and braved the Egyptian military, which has “‘shoot at sight’ orders” due to terrorists in the area, to establish his new kingdom. Dixit brought a flag of his own design and planted sunflower seeds in Bir Tawil. He says, “Following the early civilization ethics and rules, if you want to claim a land then you need to grow crops on it. I have added a seed and poured some water on it today. It is mine.” While Dixit insists it’s “no joke, I own a country now” and hundreds of people have signed his petition to the UN seeking recognition, the Kingdom of Dixit is likely to remain unofficial. In 2014, a legal expert at Georgetown University told the Washington Post that “under international law, only states can assert sovereignty over territory.”  ***Fine then… I claim this land in the name of the state of CONFUSION!

Police in New Zealand pulled over a distracted driver and gave him a warning for operating a motor vehicle while… are you ready for it… playing the bagpipes!

A British poll finds that the audio of a Tasmanian devil is the world’s most horrible sound. ***Second only to listening to (THE JOCK SHOW).

Nevada’s first drive-thru pot dispensary has just opened near Las Vegas.  ***Put that right next to a Taco Bell and you’ll make a fortune.

An Ohio substitute teacher will have to spend 90 days in jail after she showed students a film with graphic sex and violent scenes. Sheila Kearns, who taught at East High School in Columbus, was convicted for screening the horror film “The ABCs of Death” to her Spanish class in 2013. Kearns, who does not speak Spanish, says she thought the movie contained Spanish-speaking scenes. She also says she did not watch the film before showing it to her students and she had her back turned while the teens watched it.  ***Well that’s some quality teaching right there!

NEWS KICKER EVERGREENS…

(Not posted on weekends and U.S. holidays.)

A British charity is trying to make young people think more about God this coming Christmas, so they are putting Jesus in places where they are most likely to meet Him. One tactic was to give Jesus his own Facebook page, which was quickly rejected. ***First, because several people have already done that. Second, because like most people on Facebook, Jesus would have a lot of people who claim to be his friends but don’t really know Him.

After years of being told to drink plenty of water, researchers now say we may be making ourselves more, not less, dehydrated. The problem is that the water being consumed may be to acidic. Instead, officials now say that the solution is to not just drink any water but to instead make sure it’s alkaline water, which is water with a high pH either naturally or due to additives.  ***Someone needs to invent Alkaline Kool-Aid mix – and quick!

According to a new study: women would be better off going to bed two hours before men.  ***I can believe this for several reasons, but mostly because being asleep before your husband gets to bed means you don’t have to hear his snoring or smell the passing of his gas.

According to a study, mothers treat cute babies nicer than they do those that are homely.  ***Dads, on the other hand, treat all babies the same – they let Mom deal with them.

In the average U.S. home, a television set is turned on for more than a third of the day: eight hours, 35 minutes.  ***But then, you have to watch that much TV in order to get a good solid half-hour of quality programming.

People earning over $100,000 a year are almost twice as likely to apologize after an argument or mistake as those who earn $25,000 or less, according to a Zogby International survey.  ***And on the off-chance it works in reverse as well, I’d like to apologize profusely to everyone I’ve ever known – and I’ll do so again tomorrow, and the next day.

AS THE JUNGLE TURNS

(Not updated on weekends and U.S. holidays.)

CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD FRIDAY’S EPISODE

OPEN: And now, FancyMonkey.com, (Show Name), and (Station Call Letters) bring you As the Jungle Turns! When last we left the jungle, a heated debate was taking place between Sully the Aardvark and Millard the Monkey. Sully wants clunking (hitting your head over and over with a coconut) banned – but Millard the Monkey says all animals have the right to do what they want!

CLOSE: Will clunking be banned in the jungle now that second-hand clunking is also causing problems? Find out next time, As the Jungle Turns!

***You may simulcast “As the Jungle Turns” on the Internet stream of your live broadcast only. Any other Internet use of “As the Jungle Turns” in whole or part including podcasting of your live broadcast is a violation of copyright law. Thank you for your cooperation on this vitally important issue. If you have any questions, please e-mail us and ask about “Jungle Jam & Friends the Radio Show” usage.

MOMENT OF DUH
Getting a new fire engine causes a Moment of Duh for one Alabama fire department!

The Livingston Fire Department in Alabama was pretty tickled when they ordered their brand new 75-foot ladder/pumper truck. Of course, that was until they discovered the new truck will not fit into the existing station. No problem, city officials just allocated funding for a new 30 by 50-foot building to house it. Still no explanation on how they’ll fit a 75-foot truck into a 50-foot building.

TOP TEN
TOP 10 WAYS TO KNOW YOU ARE DRINKING TOO MUCH COFFEE

10. You answer the door before people knock.

9. You ski uphill.

8. You haven’t blinked since the last lunar eclipse.

7. You lick your coffeepot clean.

6. You chew on other people’s fingernails.

5. Your T-shirt says, “Decaffeinated coffee is the devil’s blend.”

4. You can type 60 words per minute … with your feet.

3. You can jump-start your car without cables.

2. All your kids are named “Joe.”

1. Your only source of nutrition comes from “Sweet & Low.”

THE FILES OF LAW & DISORDER

Sometimes it’s not a great idea to believe what the police say… especially if you’re a criminal!

FILE #1: Clarence Thompson of Indianapolis, Indiana, learned the hard way that you shouldn’t always take police officers at their word. Clarence was already a known character around town and one time, while talking to officers patrolling the area, he told them to give him a call if they ever had any extra drugs to sell. Deciding to take him up on his offer, the cops made that call a couple of days later. Clarence set up a meeting and when the cops pulled up he hopped in the back of the black and white cruiser, and offered to buy 56 grams of cocaine. The officers made the arrest without ever leaving their car.

FILE #2: Their intentions were good, but obviously the Prichard, Alabama police department did not think their plan to curb student violence all the way through. Wanting to discourage even playing with fake weapons, officers devised a program to trade non-violent toys for school children’s fake guns and knives. The only problem was that the students were instructed to bring their toy weapons to school! Needless to say the sight of realistic toy guns and knives didn’t go over too well! Children are now instructed to bring their toys directly to the police station.

FILE #3: In Chattanooga, Tenn., a man was accused of going into his wife’s seventh-grade classroom and attacking her. He was mad at her, as he later told police, because she had not attended his church baptism the day before when, in a ceremony, he had repented of his sins.  Sounds like he has a new one to go to confession about.

STRANGE LAW: You must pay a property tax on your dog in Rocky Mount, North Carolina.

THIS IS YOUR BRAIN ON DRUGS

This Is Your Brain On Drugs” is about people doing dumb things under the influence, but addiction is no laughing matter. If you or someone you know needs help, there’s a toll free number you can call 1-800-438-0380. That’s the Addiction Hope and Help Line at 1-800-438-0380.

If you’re calling the police to report a crime, be sure you’re not committing a crime yourself!

A 28-year-old man reporting a burglary faces drug charges after responding officers say they found a marijuana pipe in his bedroom. A criminal complaint said officers saw the pipe in plain view in Justin Luecke’s bedroom and found marijuana stems and seeds in the living room. The complaint said officers later returned with a search warrant and found additional marijuana as well as a scale and marijuana packaging. Luecke faces charges of felony marijuana possession and several misdemeanor counts. He could face up to 26 months behind bars, if convicted on all counts.

PHONER PHUN

Sleepwalking. Where’s the weirdest place you’ve woken up, or the weirdest thing you’ve done while sleepwalking? Do your kids sleepwalk? Anything funny or scary that’s happened during a sleepwalking experience?

BIBLE BRAIN BUSTER!

QUESTION: Who was the father and mother of Samuel?

ANSWER: Elkanah and Hannah (1 Samuel 1:2)

QUESTION IMPOSSIBLE

QUESTION: What’s that trail left behind by jets in the sky called, and what’s it made of?

ANSWER: It is called a contrail, and is composed of condensed water vapor.

TRUE OR FALSE

Pay attention! If our next player doesn’t answer all ten T/F questions correctly we start all over from question #1! First person to answer question #10 correctly is our winner!

1. The minimum age set in the U.S. Constitution for the President of the United States is 42. (False – it’s 35)

2. In the 1900 Sears Roebuck company catalog, a piano cost $98.00. (True)

3. According to sources, actress Meg Ryan’s full name given at birth is Margaret Mary Emily Ann Hyra Ryan. (True – like we could make that up!)

4. The Chinese used to use lions as we do hunting dogs. (True! During the reign of Kublai Khan, used lions on hunting expeditions. They trained the big cats to pursue and drag down massive animals — from wild bulls to bears — and to stay with the kill until the hunter arrived.)

5. The first liquid laundry detergent in the United States was CHEER. (False – it was WISK.)

6. When Rip Van Winkle fell asleep for 20 years, he had a wolf with him. (False. He had a dog – but the dog’s name was “Wolf.”)

7. The first black-and-white film to be coverted to color electronically was “It’s a Wonderful Life” starring Jimmy Stewart. (False – it was Yankee Doodle Dandy.)

8. The first name of TV’s Grandpa Walton on the TV series, “The Waltons” was Zeb. (True – the character was played by Will Geer.)

9. The first novel written on a typewriter was George Orwell’s “1984.” (False – it was “Tom Sawyer.”)

10. Most dust particles in your house are actually dead skin cells. (True.)

TABLOID MATCH GAME

You have to match the blank in the tabloid headline with the word or phrase that has been removed!

GAY _______  KICKED OUT OF ZOO (PENGUINS)

ORONTO –  Pedro and Buddy – two gay penguins – were tossed out of the Toronto Zoo, let loose on the streets.

Zoologists at the Toronto Zoo first tried to separate the “gay” penguin couple at the Toronto Zoo but that  caused a commotion both among zoologists and the lesbian, gay, bisexual and transgender community.

But in the middle of the night, several anti-gay-penguin fanatics (AGPeFs) snuck into the penguin exhibit – snagged Pedro and Buddy and threw them – separately – onto the street.

Luckily, Pedro and Buddy found each other behind an Italian restaurant and now… they are looking for a new home, a place that doesn’t discriminate against gays.

THE WAY TOO EARLY IN THE MORNING TO UNDERSTAND THE PUNCHLINE EVEN AFTER TWO CUPS OF COFFEE JOKE OF THE DAY 

JOKE #1

A local priest and pastor stood by the side of the road holding up a sign that said, “The End is Near! Turn yourself around now before it’s too late!” They planned to hold up the sign to each passing car.

“Leave us alone, you religious nuts!” yelled the first driver as he sped by.

From around the curve they heard a big splash.

“Do you think,” said one clergy to the other, “we should just put up a sign that says ‘bridge out’ instead?”

JOKE #2

A phone-order operator for a mail-order catalogue was having a very busy day. The switchboard was jammed with calls, and most people were having to be put on hold.

When she took one person off hold, she heard the person muttering mild curses into the phone. The operator laughed good-naturedly and said, “What may I help you with today?”

The sheepish voice on the other line said, “I’m sorry. I want to place an order.”


”Alright,” the operator said, “Now, I need your name first.

“Oh, dear,” she said, “how embarrassing. My name is Sister Patience.”

JOKE #3

A boy was assigned a paper on childbirth and asked his parents, “How was I born?”

“Well honey…” said the slightly prudish parent, “the stork brought you to us.”

“Oh,” said the boy.  “Well, how did you and daddy get born?” he asked.

“Oh, the stork brought us too.”

“Well how were grandpa and grandma born?” he persisted.

“Well darling, the stork brought them too!” said the parent, by now starting to squirm a little in the Lazy Boy recliner.

Several days later, the boy handed in his paper to the teacher who read with confusion the opening sentence:
”This report has been very difficult to write because there hasn’t been a natural childbirth in my family for three generations.”

USELESS FACTS

At the 1936 Berlin Summer Olympics, Haiti and Liechtenstein found out they had the same flag. Liechtenstein later added a crown.  ***It still caused less of a disruption than the two women arriving at the Olympics after-party in the same dress.

Nearly 70 percent questioned in a recent AP-Ipsos poll said people are ruder than they were 20 or 30 years ago. The trend was noticed in large and small places alike, although more urban people reported bad manners (74%) than people in rural areas (67%).  ***As if any of us give flying-flip about some jerks taking a stupid survey.

It is believed that people have been wearing shoes for more than 10,000 years. ***Which means most likely the first thing Eve said to Adam was, “Let’s go shopping, I have absolutely nothing to wear!”

FEATURED FUNNIES

STREET NAME
“I’d like the number for Jennifer Smith in Richmond, Virginia,” the young man said to the 411 operator.
“There are multiple listings for Jennifer Smith in Richmond, Virginia, “the operator said. “Do you have a street name?”
The young man hesitated a moment, “Well, uh, most people call me Snake.”

IT MUST BE TRUE BECAUSE I HEARD IT ON THE RADIO!

The good people of Bridgewater, South Dakota had a problem on their hands. A stinky problem.

…A 44-ton stinky problem! Ilan Parente closed down his Bridgewater Quality Meats company and moved the business to Dawson, Minnesota back in January. What he didn’t tell anybody was that he left behind 44 tons of bison meat in his warehouse. Now the cold South Dakota winter was enough to keep the meat intact for four months, but as spring hit, the meat started to rot — and the town began to stink. It stank at the bank. It smelled at the law office. It reeked at the cafe. Even the local jewelry store wasn’t immune. The cleanup crew that was originally hired to mop up the gooey mess of liquefied meat– topped by a blanket of swarming white maggots and buzzed by a legion of flies– gave up after two days. Finally, fed up with the smell, a brave crew of 18 city and county workers took matters into their own hands and stormed the plant to haul away the putrid meat and take back their town. Amazingly, three months after the cleanup, the owner still hasn’t paid the $11,151 cleanup bill, and owes about $14,085 in unpaid property taxes on top of it. Well, at least the smell is gone.

INSPIRATIONAL INSPIRATION

EMPTY SHANTYWesley L Duewel

Occasionally God surprises us by letting us find out how He used some word we spoke or action that we took years ago and perhaps forgot all about.

About a century ago Stephen Grellat was led one day to go out to a heavily forested area of America to preach. It was a strong inward compulsion of the Holy Spirit. When he arrived at the loggers’ camp, he found they had moved to another location, and their shanties were deserted. However, he was so sure he was sent by God that he went into an empty shanty and preached to the bare walls the sermon God had placed upon his heart. He then returned to his home, He could never understand why God would send him to preach to an empty shanty.

Many years later, as he walked across a bridge, a man grasped his arm, “I found you at last,” the man said. “I think you are mistaken,” said Mr. Grellat. “No, Didn’t you preach in an empty shanty in the woods years ago?” “Yes,” Mr. Grellat admitted, “but no one was there.”

“I was the foreman in charge of the loggers,” the stranger explained. “We had moved to a new location, before long I realized I’d left one of my tools behind. I returned to get it and heard a voice in one of the shanties, I peered through a crack between the logs and saw you. You never saw me, but I listened to the rest of the sermon, God touched my heart that day and I became so convicted of my sins, that after some time I purchased a Bible, repented of my sins, and became a Christian, then I began to win my men to Christ. Your sermon has led over a thousand people to Christ, and three of them have gone on to become missionaries! “

DRIVE TIME DEVOTIONAL

THE SOOTHING SHADE

Read: Psalm 121

The Lord watches over you–the Lord is your shade at your right hand. –Psalm 121:5

For 3 years I spent my hot, humid summers babysitting a little guy named Trey.

Blonde-haired, blue-eyed Trey is your average little boy. He’s not happy unless he’s going somewhere or doing something. Above all else, he loves to be outside. I do my best to keep up with Trey, but after a few minutes in the bright Alabama sun I start to fade. The sun saps me of all my energy, leaving me tired and sticky and hot.

At times like this, the porch with its wide roof and big rocking chairs, seems to call my name. I let Trey entertain himself for a bit and stop to take shelter in the shade. It always amazes me how taking just a few minutes in the cool darkness leaves me feeling revived and ready to get back to my jumping and running.

In Psalm 121, God is described as our shade. What a wonderful image! Can’t you just see God, arms outstretched in front of Him, saying to us, “Whew, it must be hot out there! Why don’t you come sit for a spell in My shade? The sun won’t harm you here, and I’ll leave you feeling refreshed and ready to go.”

It’s such a welcome invitation! But between school, work, dating, family, and friends, who has time to stop and sit in the shade? There’s so much to do, so many people to see, and so many places to go!

Are you running so hard that you’re left feeling sapped of all your energy and ready to drop? Why not take a few minutes to curl up in the cool comfort of God’s shade? Like Trey’s porch, God’s shade is there waiting just for you.

–Heather Henderson, Birmingham, Alabama

LEFTOVERS

THINGS GUYS WANT TO SAY TO WOMEN BUT DON’T

  • Too much makeup!

  • Please, please order more than just a salad.

  • They all look like cubic zirconia to me.

  • I heard a noise. Can you go check it out?

  • I think your mom is a babe.

  • Frankly, I’m scared of your dad.

  • Shoot, honey, don’t ask me! I can’t figure out the dumb iPod either.

LIFE… LIVE IT

TOP TEN WORST EXCUSES FOR BEING LATE TO WORK

According to a CareerBuilder.com survey, 15% of workers say they arrive late to work at least once a week, while 24% admit to making up fake excuses to explain their tardiness. While 43% of managers say they don’t mind if their employees are late as long as their work is completed with good quality, others are much stricter and would consider terminating an employee if he or she arrives late several times a year. When asked to identify the primary cause for coming in late, more than 32% of workers blamed traffic. Falling back to sleep was cited by 17%, while 7% said a long commute was the main cause. Other popular reasons included getting kids ready for school, forgetting something at home and feeling sick. While most hiring managers believe their employees’ reasons for being late to work, almost a third said they are skeptical of the excuses. Hiring managers provided these top 10 examples of the most unusual excuses employees offered for arriving late to work:

1. “While rowing across the river to work, I got lost in the fog.”

2. “Someone stole all my daffodils.”

3. “I had to go audition for ‘American Idol.’”

4. “My ex-husband stole my car so I couldn’t drive to work.”

5. “My route to work was shut down by a Presidential motorcade.”

6. “I wasn’t thinking and accidentally went to my old job.”

7. “I was indicted for securities fraud this morning.”

8. “The line was too long at Starbucks.”

9. “I was trying to get my gun back from the police.”

10. “I didn’t have money for gas because all of the pawn shops were closed.”

JUST FOR FUN

THE COMPUTER CAFE

Don’t expect to find a waiter or waitress at a new cafe in Germany…

…instead you’ll find 25 machines there to serve you. The cafe is the work of nine college students in the city of Cologne. In addition to serving you coffee or tea, the machines are programmed to even make comments and small talk from a memory bank of 200 different tales. ***MARLAR: The owners say they got the idea of having people interacting with robots after watching Al Gore speak.

FUN LIST

FAMOUS SAYINGS…

Miranda teaches fourth grade. As a fun assignment, she gave the students the beginning of a list of famous sayings and asked them to provide original endings for each one. Here are some examples of what her students submitted:

  • The grass is always greener when you leave the sprinkler on.
  • A rolling stone plays the guitar.
  • The grass is always greener when you remember to water it.
  • No news is no newspaper.
  • It’s better to light one candle than to waste electricity.
  • It’s always darkest just before I open my eyes.
  • You have nothing to fear but homework.
  • If you can’t stand the heat, don’t start the fireplace.
  • If you can’t stand the heat, go swimming.
  • Never put off ’til tomorrow what you should have done yesterday.
  • A penny saved is nothing in the real world.
  • The squeaking wheel gets annoying.
  • We have nothing to fear but our principal.
  • I think, therefore I get a headache.
  • Laugh and the world laughs with you. Cry, and someone yells, “Shut up!”
  • Better to light a candle than to light an explosive.
  • It’s always darkest before 9:30 p.m.
  • Early to bed and early to rise is first in the bathroom.
  • A journey of a thousand miles begins with a blister.
  • There is nothing new under the bed.
  • Don’t count your chickens — it takes too long.

MORE SHOW PREP STUFF…

THANKSGIVING FOOD

Thanksgiving is here, and the results of an important new poll on Thanksgiving food are out. OK, it’s not that important, but let’s see where you match up on this: What is the one food or dish that you most look forward to eating on Thanksgiving Day?

  • Turkey – 46%

  • Stuffing/dressing – 17%

  • Pumpkin pie – 6%

  • Mashed potatoes – 6%

  • Sweet potatoes/yams – 4%

  • Ham – 3%

  • Other pies – 3%

  • Cranberries/cranberry sauce – 2%

  • Vegetables – 2%

  • Salad – 1%

  • Casseroles – 1%

  • Other desserts – 1%

  • Everything – 2%

  • Other – 6%

OTHER STUFF I WANT TO CRAM INTO TODAY’S PREP

(Not posted on weekends and U.S. holidays.)

Ruby Stein, an 85-year-old great-grandmother from Colorado, was heading home from visiting her granddaughter when she took a wrong turn. 9 News Denver reports that she ended up on a muddy, snowy back road, and her car got stuck, leaving her stranded in the mountains for five days. All she had to eat were Rice Krispie treats and a partially eaten sweet roll. She melted snow in a can on her dashboard to stay hydrated and barricaded herself under a pile of clothes in the back seat of her Nissan Sentra. She ended up staying alive for five days until locals, who were looking for a place to hike, found her in the car.
http://www.womansday.com/life/inspirational-stories/a58495/great-grandmother-survives-stranded-colorado-mountains/

This year, Stove Top doesn’t only have your back when it comes to easy-to-make stuffing from the box, they’re also supplying the best pants to wear at the Thanksgiving table. To allow people to “enjoy more of Thanksgiving in comfort and style,” the company has designed a pair of maroon pants with an elastic waistband. But that’s not all: The pants also feature an image of stuffing that rests right on top of your belly and extra, extra large pockets to stash leftovers. Sadly they are already sold out – but it’s still a hilarious video! http://peoplem.ag/ZvDqGOV

Kennady Longhurst and Alex Salsberry became concerned when their dog, Sullivan, started making an odd choking, coughing, and throat-clearing noise. Longhurst first noticed the noise when she returned home at lunchtime, and she immediately called her husband. But Sully’s behavior soon returned to normal, with the dog “wagging his tail, running around acting like himself, besides this weird cough,” she told BuzzFeed News. The next morning while they got ready for work, Sully’s mysterious cough returned. Salsberry ended up working from home, and the couple eventually took Sully to the vet. The vet told her that sometimes animals will fake being sick or limp for attention.
http://www.womansworld.com/posts/dog-fakes-being-sick-146609

Fifty-four percent of all holiday gifts were exchanged or altered last year, according to data from e-gift platform GiftNow. The web site says their most exchanged gifts overall were candy, gum and chocolate, so it’s best to skip the sweets for adults. The least returned gifts for men are ties, wallets, and anti-aging skincare. Perhaps the most surprising stat GiftNow uncovered is that men are actually the pickiest when it comes to gifts, with only 37% accepting items as-is, compared to 48% of women who keep the items they receive.
http://www.msn.com/en-us/lifestyle/whats-hot/this-is-the-most-returned-holiday-gift-plus-the-three-things-people-actually-keep/ar-BBEVp06?ocid=ob-tw-enus-595

With kids cooped up in school, pinkeye season is now in full swing. But many doctors flunk this subject. Most pinkeye sufferers are given antibiotic drops even though the condition is usually caused by a virus which antibiotics won’t kill, reports the journal Opthalmology. Also: One in five patients receive a combo antibiotic/steroid drop, which can worsen the infection. Go to an eye doctor, not your GP, says Joshua Stein, M.D. A specialist will be better at diagnosing whether it’s bacterial or viral. (Men’s Health)

SOUL-GLO

(Feel-good stories! Only posted as new stories come available. Not posted on weekends and U.S. holidays.)

Lots of people make jokes about cops and doughnuts. Tyler Carach made it his mission. How many police officers does he want to buy a doughnuts for? “Every single one in America,” Tyler said. So far, Tyler has visited 24 states in 14 months, handing out out 34,000 doughnuts.
https://www.msn.com/en-us/news/good-news/10-year-old-boy-teaches-us-about-the-importance-of-giving-thanks/ar-BBEMR2Q

TOTALLY OUTRAGEOUS!

(Only posted as stories come available. Not posted on weekends and U.S. holidays.)

AND I LEAVE YOU WITH THIS THOUGHT

I gotta go take care of a problem in the front office now. The boss’s secretary typed a letter for me. Unfortunately, I forgot to tell her I wanted spaces between the words.

THE TICKET Movie Reviews with MARIE ASNER

Marie Asner has been reviewing films for over 35 years. Her outlets include radio, print and Internet. For more in-depth movie reviews of the following films, visit www.Tollbooth.org. Ratings from 1 (Low) to 5 (High).

NOVEMBER 17, 2017…

Mudbound—Singer Mary J. Blige stars in this film of two families who share land in the Mississippi Delta, and it is about 1940, before the U.S. enters the war. Blige plays Florence, the leader of her family and she has to be firm in everything she does. The film is also about moving to another part of the country and trying to start a new life. Also in the cast are Carey Mulligan, Jason Clarke and Rob Morgan. “Mudbound” is rated R. No rating.

Justice League—Another long awaited film (as was the latest “Thor”) the plot brings together Batman (Ben Affleck) who has to find a team (guess who?) to fight some enemy from way out there somewhere who wants to conquer the world (again.)  Batman  has to put aside his moodiness and get Wonder Woman (Gal Gadot), The Flash (Ezra Miller), Aquaman (Jason Momoa), and Cyborg (Ray Fisher) to work together, Quibble, quibble. Also in the cast are Robin Wright, Connie Nielsen, Henry Cavill, Jeremy Irons and J. K. Simmons. Oh, those DC Comics. The Justice League was originated by Gardner Fox in 1960, and the League has had several super heroes on its roster since, including Plastic Man (my favorite), Black Canary and Green Arrow (now on TV), Hawk Man and Hawk Girl, and Green Lantern. In this film of “Justice League,” special effects are fine and Batman has a special weapon up his sleeve. “Justice League” is rated PG-13. Rating of 3 for fans of comic book heroes.

Wonder—Adapted from the 2012 novel by R. J. Palacio about a little boy with Treacher Collins syndrome, all I can say is bring hankie to theater. This disease manifests itself in facial deformity, and the story is about Auggie (Jacob Tremblay from “The Room”) and going to school for the first time in fifth grade. Mom is played by Julia Roberts and Dad is Owen Wilson. Previously, Auggie had been home schooled, but now it is time to meet the world in a large school with kids who have never encountered this disease.  “Wonder” is rated PG 13. Rating of 3.

The Man Who Invented Christmas (opening in select cities)—This rather tongue-in-cheek film concerns Charles Dickens and how he came to write “A Christmas Carol,” which became a holiday treasure, both in film and on stage. The title role of Dickens is played by Dan Stevens (“Downton Abbey”) and what prompted him to write this story. Also in the cast is Christopher  Plummer. “The Man Who Invented Christmas” is rated PG. Rating of 3 for fans.

NOVEMBER 22, 2017…

Coco is an animated film that has as a background, the Mexican holiday “Day of the Dead,” where the departed are strongly remembered. Voices of Anthony Gonzalez and Benjamin Bratt.

Darkest Hour stars Gary Oldman as Sir Winston Churchill during WWII.

Death Wish and Bruce Willis is back as a vigilante (think the late Charles Bronson’s old roles.)

Molly’s Game stars Jessica Chastain as a woman who runs a top money gambling establishment.

New Films for November 24

Call Me By Your Name is the story of a young man (Timothee Chalamet) and coming of age.

The Current War has Benedict Cumberbatch (TV’s “Sherlock Holmes”) portraying Thomas Alva Edison as he tries to conquer electricity.

Roman Israel, ESQ (opens in select cities) stars Denzel Washington as an attorney.

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Darren Marlar credits all non-original material to the author whenever possible. All other material is original, used with permission, or author unknown. We welcome all comments, questions, and suggestions. Darren can be reached via his website at www.DarrenMarlar.com.